In every romantic comedy, there’s a montage of the couple doing cute things together—picnics, shared hobbies, synchronized bike rides through Central Park.

What you don’t see is the crucial subplot: Who’s losing themselves in this relationship and who’s thriving?

American culture has a love-hate relationship with individual identity in marriage. On one hand, we idolize independence (cue Beyoncé’s “Me, Myself, and I”); on the other, we cling to the idea that two people in love should merge into one gloriously entangled “we.”

But what happens when “we” devours “me”?

And how do we keep our sense of self while building a meaningful partnership?

As a couples therapist, I can tell you that neglecting individual identity within a relationship is like building a house on sand: it may hold up for a while, but sooner or later, massive cracks emerge.

Let’s dig into this topic, explore what the social science says.

Picture this: It’s a typical Thursday night. You and your spouse are scrolling through Netflix, both avoiding the burning question of who will pick tonight’s show.

You suggest a rom-com; they counter with a gritty true-crime docuseries. An innocent disagreement? Sure. But, beneath the surface, tiny, invisible resentments may already be simmering: Why do I always have to compromise?

Resentment in marriage is like rust. And Rust Never Sleeps.

It doesn’t start as a gaping hole in the hull of your relationship, but if left unchecked, it eats away at the foundation, leaving your partnership shaky and prone to collapse.

So, let’s dive into why resentment happens, how it festers, and what to do before you’re both watching TV in separate rooms.