Do You Believe in Love? And Other Big Questions Couples Should Ask Each Other
Sunday, December 8, 2024.
Most couples know how to argue about the little stuff: “Why didn’t you take the trash out?” or “Do we really need six pillows on the bed?” (Answer: yes, always.) But what about the big stuff?
The existential questions that linger quietly in the background of every relationship, like a nosy aunt eavesdropping on your conversations.
As a couples therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how rarely these big questions come up in therapy—and that’s a shame.
Questions like, What do we believe about love? How do we handle loss? What’s our purpose as a couple? aren’t just abstract musings. They’re the bedrock of a partnership that can survive the long haul.
Let’s dive into these existential questions, explore the social science behind why they matter, and, of course, sprinkle in some humor along the way.
Because if you can’t laugh while contemplating the meaning of love and death, what’s the point?
Why Are Existential Questions So Often Overlooked?
In the hustle of daily life, existential questions get buried under the grind of “What’s for dinner?” and “Did you pay the electric bill?” And in therapy, couples are often laser-focused on immediate issues like communication breakdowns or who left the wet towel on the floor (again).
But here’s the thing: unresolved existential questions are like slow-burning coals. You don’t notice them until they set something on fire. Ignoring these questions doesn’t make them disappear—it just makes them harder to address when life inevitably demands answers.
The Big Existential Questions Every Couple Should Ask
What Do We Believe About Love?
Love is a universal human experience, but everyone defines it differently.
Is love a feeling? A commitment? A choice you make every day, even when they’re chewing loudly? Understanding how you and your partner define love can help bridge misunderstandings and align your expectations.
A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that couples who share similar definitions of love report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. It’s not about having the same exact beliefs but finding common ground.
Ask your partner: Do you believe in soulmates, or are we just two people who got lucky on the same Tinder algorithm?
Bonus points if you both agree that love evolves over time.
What Is Our Purpose as a Couple?
Beyond raising kids, paying bills, and occasionally binge-watching the same Netflix series, what’s the bigger picture? Are you building a legacy together? Supporting each other’s personal growth? Or just trying to find a halfway-decent pizza place you both like?
Psychologist Dr. Susan David emphasizes the importance of shared goals in creating a resilient partnership.
Couples who articulate their "why" are better equipped to navigate challenges and feel a sense of unity.
Steal a page from corporate strategy and create a “mission statement” for your relationship.
Something like: We aim to support each other’s dreams, laugh at each other’s jokes (even the bad ones), and always split the last slice of pizza fairly.
How Do We Handle Change, Aging, and Loss?
You’re both going to change. Wrinkles will happen. Careers will shift. Loved ones will pass away.
The question is, how will you navigate those changes together?
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness, found that the quality of your relationships—not wealth or success—is the biggest predictor of a fulfilling life.
Couples who discuss their approach to aging and loss are better prepared to support each other through life’s inevitable storms.
Have a “future you” date night where you discuss aging and change.
Will you embrace gray hair or dye it neon pink? Will you spend retirement traveling or perfecting your sourdough recipe? Planning together creates a sense of partnership.
What Do We Believe About Happiness?
Happiness isn’t a one-size-fits-all concept. One partner might find joy in quiet evenings at home, while the other thrives on spontaneous road trips to nowhere. Understanding what happiness means to each of you can prevent future conflicts.
A 2019 study in Emotion found that couples who actively cultivate positive shared experiences—what researchers call “capitalizing on joy”—report stronger emotional bonds.
Ask: What’s one small thing I can do every day to make you smile? Then actually do it.
Even if it’s as simple as brewing their coffee just right or not hogging the remote.
Why These Questions Matter
These big-picture questions aren’t just philosophical fluff—they’re deeply practical.
Knowing where you stand on love, purpose, change, and happiness creates a roadmap for your relationship. Without it, you’re essentially driving blindfolded, hoping you don’t crash.
Making Existential Questions Fun (Yes, Really)
If the idea of discussing aging or the meaning of love feels intimidating, start small and make it playful:
The Bucket List Game: Write down five things you want to do together before you kick the bucket. Compare lists and plan your adventures.
The “What If” Game: Ask each other hypothetical questions like, If we had to move to another country tomorrow, where would we go? or If we won the lottery, what’s the first thing we’d do?
Date Night Philosophy: Turn date night into a mini Socratic dialogue. Over dessert, ask questions like, What’s one thing we’ve learned about love this year?
The Therapist’s Takeaway
Existential questions might sound heavy, but they’re the lifeblood of a thriving relationship.
By exploring these big ideas together, you create a foundation of understanding, resilience, and shared meaning. Plus, you might discover that your partner’s take on life, love, and happiness is even more fascinating than you realized.
So go ahead—ask your partner, Do you believe in love at first sight, or did you just think I looked cute at the coffee shop that day? You might be surprised by the answers.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Avery.
Harvard Study of Adult Development. (2020). What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness.Retrieved from https://www.adultdevelopmentstudy.harvard.edu
Hadden, B. W., & Knee, C. R. (2018). The role of shared goals in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 492-507. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517750520
Kushlev, K., et al. (2019). Positive shared experiences and relationship satisfaction. Emotion, 19(6), 978-984. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000466
Vaillant, G. E. (2012). Triumphs of experience: The men of the Harvard Grant Study. Belknap Press.