It’s Not Just Us: How Outside Relationships Shape Your Partnership

Sunday, December 8, 2024.

When couples walk into therapy, they’re usually ready to talk about their relationship—the arguments, the passion, the shared laundry wars.

What often gets ignored, however, is the complex web of outside relationships that subtly shape their dynamics. Friends, family, colleagues, and even that one overly chatty barista can all play a role in the health of a couple’s bond.

As a couples therapist, I’ve seen how these external connections can act as either lifeboats or anchors. Let’s explore the science, the stories, and the strategies for navigating the role of outside relationships in your marriage or partnership.

The Hidden Power of Your Social Circle

Friends: The Chosen Family

Friends can be a source of strength, offering emotional support when your partner can’t—or shouldn’t—be your sole confidant.

However, they can also act as a stressor.

Maybe your partner isn’t thrilled about your weekly happy hour with your college buddy who’s still reliving their wild days, or perhaps you feel excluded from their inner circle.
A 2021 study published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that folks with strong social support outside their romantic relationship report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. But, when friends or family overtly disapprove of the partner, satisfaction tends to plummet.

Set boundaries that honor your relationship while still making space for meaningful friendships. Remember, your partner doesn’t have to love your best friend—they just have to respect your need for that connection.

Family Ties: Blessing or Burden?

Ah, family—the people who bring us comfort and drive us up the wall, sometimes simultaneously.

The role of in-laws, siblings, and even extended relatives can vary widely. While some families provide a vital support system, others can inadvertently create conflict through unsolicited advice or over-involvement.

A longitudinal study in Family Relations found that couples who establish clear boundaries with their families are more likely to thrive. Conversely, enmeshed relationships—where family members wield too much influence—correlate with higher marital conflict.

If your mother-in-law insists on dropping by unannounced or your brother treats your partner like an outsider, it’s time for a compassionate yet firm conversation. Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re guardrails.

Work Relationships: A Double-Edged Sword

The modern workplace often blurs the line between professional and personal. Office friendships, shared projects, and even after-hours texts can create camaraderie—or jealousy.

When one partner spends more time venting to a colleague than connecting at home, tensions can rise.
A 2018 study in Journal of Marriage and Family highlighted that professional stress often spills over into personal relationships.

Couples who openly discuss work challenges and maintain healthy work-life boundaries fare better than those who let professional obligations dominate.

Discuss the role of work in your lives. Is it a priority for personal fulfillment or simply a paycheck? Aligning on how much energy work takes—and leaves for your relationship—is crucial.

Common Challenges External Relationships Create

Emotional Infidelity

When emotional needs are met outside the relationship—whether by a friend, family member, or coworker—it can erode intimacy within the partnership. Emotional infidelity often starts innocently but becomes problematic when it replaces connection at home.

Competing Loyalties

Feeling torn between your partner and your friends or family can create resentment. This is especially true during major life events, like choosing whose family to visit for holidays.

Social Comparisons

Thanks to social media, comparing your relationship to others has never been easier—or more toxic. Seeing your friend’s “perfect” marriage plastered across Instagram can spark dissatisfaction with your own partnership.

Over-Involvement

When friends or family offer too much advice (“You know, I’d never let my spouse talk to me like that…”), it can undermine trust and autonomy within your relationship.

The Bright Side: How Outside Relationships Support Your Partnership

When managed well, external connections can enrich your relationship in profound ways:

• Emotional Support: A trusted friend can help you process frustrations so you don’t dump them all on your partner.

• Perspective: Outside perspectives can help you see your partner’s strengths and challenges more clearly.

A 2019 study in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that couples with overlapping social networks tend to report higher levels of happiness and trust.

How to Balance Outside Relationships and Your Partnership

Create a Couple-Centered Alliance

Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson emphasize the importance of a “couple-centered alliance” where both partners agree to prioritize their relationship without isolating themselves from others. This means being each other’s main confidant while respecting the value of external connections.

Communicate Boundaries Together

Discuss boundaries around time spent with friends and family. For example:

• How often should in-laws visit?

• Are there “protected” days for just the two of you?

• What’s the protocol for venting about each other to friends?

Manage Jealousy Proactively

If one partner feels threatened by a particular relationship—say, a coworker or a lifelong best friend—address it openly. Jealousy often signals a need for reassurance rather than control.

Share Experiences

Whenever possible, include your partner in your outside relationships. This doesn’t mean dragging them to every work event or girls’ night, but occasional inclusion fosters a sense of unity.

Case Study: Anna, James, and the Overbearing Best Friend

Anna and James (our favorite fictional couple) hit a rough patch when Anna’s best friend, Laura, started monopolizing her time. James felt left out and began resenting Laura, while Anna felt caught in the middle. Through therapy, they learned to:

• Set Boundaries: Anna limited Laura’s late-night texts during their quality time.

• Build Inclusion: James joined Anna and Laura for occasional outings, which eased his feelings of exclusion.

• Prioritize Connection: Anna reassured James that he was her top priority.

Result? A happier couple and a less fraught friendship.

Final Thoughts: Relationships Are Ecosystems

No relationship exists in a vacuum. Friends, family, coworkers, and even distant acquaintances create ripples that influence your partnership. The key is learning to harness those ripples for growth and connection rather than letting them create tidal waves of conflict.

So the next time your mom offers unsolicited advice or your partner’s work friend oversteps, take a breath, set a boundary, and remember: outside relationships can be messy, but they don’t have to be toxic. With open communication and a little humor, you can turn external connections into assets for your relationship.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (1988). In quest of the mythical mate: A developmental approach to diagnosis and treatment in couples therapy. Brunner/Mazel.
Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). Thriving through relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1(1), 22–28. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2014.11.001
Marks, S. R., & MacDermid, S. M. (1996). Multiple roles and the self: A theory of role balance. Journal of Marriage and Family, 58(2), 417-432. https://doi.org/10.2307/353506
Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 59–70. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.59
Zhang, R., & Anderson, J. G. (2019). Social networks and relationship quality: The role of shared networks. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 10(4), 515–522. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550618762035

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