Once upon a time, consent was enough. You said yes. I said yes.

The legal boxes were checked.

Nobody filmed anything (hopefully), and we all moved on with our lives, slightly awkward and vaguely empowered.

But as the sexual wellness industry bloomed and feminist therapists started quoting Gabor Maté on dopamine and childhood wounds, a strange new meme began to form—one that suggests your role in a long-term erotic relationship isn’t just about consent.

It’s about citizenship.

What is Erotic Citizenship?

Once upon a swipe, we all got tired.

Not just of ghosting, breadcrumbing, or the infinite scroll of romantic potential like a Black Mirror rerun with no off switch—but of something deeper: the existential fatigue of being optional.

And into this weary digital dating arena tiptoes a surprising idea, one that smells suspiciously like 1953 but wears the eyeliner of 2025:

Being chosen is the new sexy.

It’s not about ownership, say the whisperers of this emerging meme. It’s about witnessing and being witnessed. It’s about one person knowing your weirdness and signing the lease anyway.

Esther Perel said “love and desire live in tension,” but lately, the real tension is between “you’re mine” and “you’re one of twelve people I’m managing emotionally through a shared Google Calendar.”

So imagine this, if you will:
You’re sitting across from your partner, holding a cappuccino in one hand and a color-coded spreadsheet in the other. You’re not talking about taxes. You’re not negotiating rent.

You’re here to review the quarterly performance of… your relationship.

Welcome to the Relationship Audit, where love meets logistics and your emotional availability now has a dashboard.

It sounds absurd. That’s because it is. And also? It might be exactly what modern couples need.

Some couples fade. Others implode. And a few simply evaporate. Not with a bang, but with a quiet fade—like a candle flickering out in a room that used to be full of light.

And often, it begins when they stop noticing each other.

Not the noticing of chore completion or whose turn it is with the carpool.

Not the noticing that comes with judgment or scorekeeping.

I’m talking about the other kind—the kind that says, I still see you. You still matter. Your inner world is worth tracking.

There was a time when intimacy was supposed to be spontaneous, mysterious, and—if rom-coms are to be believed—mostly conducted via long gazes and dramatic misunderstandings.

Fast-forward to now, and we’re seeing a quieter revolution take shape: couples are talking about sex.

And not in the hushed, euphemistic “spice things up” kind of way.

No, we’re talking real, direct conversations about boundaries, fantasies, preferences, mismatched desires, awkward stuff, and—gasp—what feels good.

Out loud. With eye contact. On purpose.

Welcome to the age of sexual transparency and open communication, where vulnerability is the new aphrodisiac.

What’s Driving This Change?

Conventional wisdom tells us that the first year is a blissful honeymoon, a seamless transition into eternal wedded harmony.

But let's be honest: for many couples, the inaugural year feels less like a fairy tale and more like an unedited reality show.

The Myth of the Perpetual Honeymoon

The "honeymoon phase" is often portrayed as a period of unblemished joy and effortless connection.

However, some experts argue that this concept sets unrealistic expectations. Research indicates that newly married couples may experience a decline in marital satisfaction during the early years of marriage (Birditt et al., 2010).

This phenomenon, sometimes referred to as a "wedding hangover," highlights the challenges couples face as they adjust to married life.

Heterosexual relationships, like so many aspects of modern civilization, are riddled with curious inefficiencies.

One of the more persistent ones is the orgasm gap—a statistically significant phenomenon in which men reach climax far more frequently than women during partnered sex.

For decades, biologists speculated about anatomical justifications for this inequity, but social scientists, armed with the formidable power of objectification theory, have arrived at a new and troubling possibility:

Women, when treated more like aesthetic objects than sentient beings, have a harder time enjoying themselves.

A new study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships lays out the grim mechanics of this dynamic.

It turns out that when women perceive their male partners as objectifying them—valuing them primarily for their sexual utility rather than their full humanity—their orgasm rates decline.

Meanwhile, their workload in the realm of sexual emotional labor increases. This includes such taxing activities as pretending to have an orgasm, feigning desire, and enduring discomfort with the stoicism of a Victorian governess.

The modern couple, be they married, cohabitating, or entangled in a situationship, eventually faces one inescapable fact: one of them wants sex more than the other.

It’s a universal constant, like entropy or the fact that socks vanish in the dryer. If you are in a relationship where this is not true, congratulations, you are either newly in love or one of you is lying.

For centuries, humans have insisted that love is chemistry—a cocktail of hormones, pheromones, and unconscious signals that tell us, "This person is The One."

But recent neuroscience suggests that it’s not just about chemistry—it’s about synchrony.

Brain-imaging studies show that couples in strong relationships literally synchronize their brainwaves during deep conversations (Pérez et al., 2019).

When two people are emotionally attuned, their neurons fire in harmony, creating a kind of neurological duet.

If you’ve ever suspected that the euphoric glow of “I do” fades faster than the wedding cake gets freezer burn, you’re not wrong.

Research suggests that marriage delivers a noticeable happiness boost—but only for about two years.

After that, couples tend to return to their pre-marital baseline, meaning that whatever level of existential dread or mild optimism you had before tying the knot is more or less where you'll land afterward (Lucas & Clark, 2006).

This might sound like a cosmic joke, but psychologists call it the hedonic treadmill—the idea that humans adapt to positive and negative changes and eventually return to a stable level of happiness (Brickman & Campbell, 1971).

This means that while marriage might feel like a life upgrade at first, your brain is busy adjusting and whispering, “Okay, what’s next?”

But before you start composing a strongly worded email to your wedding officiant, consider this: the happiness decline post-marriage is not universal.

Some research suggests that marriage does offer long-term benefits—just not in the way Hollywood rom-coms would have you believe.

Ah, the age-old question: How often should couples be having sex to be happy?

If you’re expecting a magic number, brace yourself for disappointment. A 2015 study (Muise et al., 2015) found that the actual frequency of sex doesn’t significantly predict happiness in long-term relationships.

Instead, what really matters is feeling desired by your partner. That’s right—being wanted trumps the act itself.

This has all sorts of amusing and existentially troubling implications.

For one, it suggests that sexual satisfaction isn’t just about bodies bumping together at a socially approved cadence but rather about the deep-seated human need to feel special, chosen, and, let’s be honest, a little bit worshipped.

It also means that the couples diligently tracking their weekly “intimacy quota” may be missing the point. You can check off as many obligatory Wednesday night romps as you like, but if your partner secretly feels about as desired as a tax audit, the relationship still suffers.

So, what’s the takeaway?

Kurt Vonnegut once said, "There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind." If he had been a marriage therapist, he might have added, "...especially when you’re lonely, married, and wondering how you ended up in this existential mess."

Because loneliness in marriage is real.

You can be in a legally binding, till-death-do-us-part arrangement and still feel utterly alone. But before you throw your wedding ring into the nearest body of water, let’s talk about a little miracle drug called gratitude. And its scrappy sidekick, forgiveness.

A recent study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy suggests that gratitude and forgiveness can weaken the corrosive effects of loneliness on marital satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2025).

While they don’t seem to work their magic on the sexual relationship (sorry, no gratitude-fueled orgasms here), they do help keep the overall marriage from spiraling into despair.