Love as a Trojan Horse: How Romantic Relationships Help Men Recognize Sexism
Monday, August 4, 2025.
Let’s begin with a blunt truth: many men don’t think sexism is a them problem.
They believe it exists—sort of, vaguely, somewhere out there.
But it doesn’t click. Not really.
Until one night their partner, over takeout and Netflix, says: My boss called me “sweetheart” in a meeting again. And he promoted Rob. Again.
And suddenly, it does click.
A pulse of indignation. A flash of understanding. A sinking realization that this isn’t some abstract “issue,” but a pattern with receipts—and his partner is living it in real time.
That’s what researchers Emily Cross, Alyssa DeBlaere, and Amy Muise wanted to understand: Can the intimacy of romantic relationships prompt men to actually see sexism—not as noise, but as a signal? (Cross, DeBlaere, & Muise, 2024).
Turns out, yes. Not perfectly. Not automatically. But reliably enough to matter.
The Study: Intimacy Is the Lens
In a pair of studies, the team looked at over 1,100 heterosexual men in long-term relationships. One group imagined scenarios where a woman faced gender-based workplace discrimination (same job, less pay).
Sometimes the woman was a stranger. Sometimes a friend. Sometimes their romantic partner.
When it was their partner, men were far more likely to:
Engage in perspective-taking (“How would that feel if it were her?”)
See the incident as sexist
Report greater general awareness of gender discrimination
The second study flipped the frame: it asked men to recall real-life experiences in which their partner had disclosed gender discrimination—everything from being passed over for a promotion to enduring sexist jokes.
And again, perspective-taking predicted awareness. When men truly imagined what it was like for their partner, they were more likely to:
Name the event as discrimination
Recognize that women (and especially their woman) face sexism regularly
Take action—like learning more, confronting sexist remarks, or reassessing their own biases
This wasn’t about being woke. It was about being close.
Why This Matters: The Politics of Emotional Intimacy
Let’s be honest: the average man does not become more feminist from a podcast.
But he might start thinking differently about sexism because his partner comes home in tears after another exhausting day of being diminished by men in power. Because romantic relationships can often be emotional incubators.
And sometimes, politics sneak in through the side door—via love, empathy, and proximity.
This raises a provocative idea: maybe the frontlines of gender equity aren’t in the academy or the legislature.
Maybe they’re in the kitchen, in the car, or in bed—where one person says, This happened to me, and the other actually listens.
Cross and her team suggest that romantic love may act as a kind of social Trojan horse—smuggling awareness and emotional growth into men who might otherwise resist it.
Because when the person affected by sexism is someone you love, it gets harder to minimize it. Or ignore it. Or tell her to “just let it go.”
Love Won’t Fix Patriarchy—But It Might Crack It Open
Now, don’t mistake this research as a warm hug for heteronormativity.
The authors are quick to point out that these effects are modest and conditional. A boyfriend who listens well does not cancel out workplace bias, sexual harassment, or unequal pay. And many women are already doing the emotional labor of explaining sexism to the very men who benefit from it.
Still, the findings matter because they offer a path forward in the intimate trenches of gender work.
While public discourse on sexism often defaults to shame or polarization, romantic connection can humanize the conversation. Not always. But sometimes.
And that “sometimes” is where real change often starts.
Implications for Therapists and Couples
For those of us in couples therapy, this research is pure gold. It affirms what we see in the room: men don’t learn empathy from logic; they learn it from love.
Want to help a man see his partner’s exhaustion from navigating sexism? Ask him to feel what she feels, not just agree that it’s unfair. This is applied Cognitive Empathy.
Want him to be an ally? Start with helping him be a witness.
Want him to unlearn protective paternalism? Begin by exploring his discomfort when his partner names her own experience.
This is not emotional outsourcing. It’s growth by proximity. Relationship-driven reflection.
A Bigger Frame: Sexism as a Relational Injury
Sexism doesn’t just harm women professionally. It corrodes intimacy. It places the woman in a double bind: speak up and risk seeming “too sensitive,” or stay silent and swallow the hurt. When her pain is minimized, she becomes emotionally invisible.
But when her partner sees it—and sits with it—it rewires the relationship. Trust deepens. Compassion builds. And maybe, just maybe, the man begins to see that patriarchy hasn’t served him either.
This isn’t about “fixing men.”
It’s about giving them an entry point into a deeper emotional consciousness. One where their partner is not just a reflection of their masculinity, but a mirror for their humanity.
Sexism Isn’t an Abstraction When It Sleeps Beside You
Most of us don’t change because of facts. We change because of stories.
And sometimes, those stories come from someone we love—someone brave enough to say: This is what it’s like for me. Can you hold that?
And if you can, then maybe you’re ready to do more than hold it. Maybe you’re ready to help change it.
Be Well, Stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Cross, E. J., DeBlaere, C., & Muise, A. (2024). Leveraging man–woman romantic relationships to promote men’s awareness of sexism and gender discrimination. Social Psychological and Personality Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506241249906
Clinician Transparency Statement:
I practice under the supervision of two licensed marriage and family therapists, in accordance with Massachusetts law—one for my public mental health clinic work, and one for my private practice. This article reflects a synthesis of social science research, clinical experience, and the emotional truths of real couples. It is not a substitute for professional therapy.