The 2025 Best Practices for Fighting Fair
Sunday, October 5, 2025.
Here’s the thing. Fighting is inevitable.
The only couples who “never fight” are either lying, repressed, or heavily sedated.
The rest of us fight about money, dishes, politics, sex, in-laws, phones, and whether the thermostat is set by science or sorcery.
In 2025, fights don’t always happen in private.
They also happen in group chats, over family dinners, in multigenerational households, and sometimes with your AI scheduling assistant chiming in: “Would you like me to resolve this conflict for you?” No thanks, Siri.
This is not a call to avoid fighting. It’s a manifesto for fighting fair.
Why Fighting in 2025 Is Harder
Fights today have bigger audiences and higher stakes:
Money Stress. Inflation, caregiving costs, and lopsided careers mean financial fights are constant (Pew Research Center, 2023).
Politics. Marriages now often include one Fox News devotee and one MSNBC subscriber. Fights get partisan fast (Finkel et al., 2020).
Phones. Technoference (yes, that’s the term) means scrolling during dinner sparks more conflict than burnt lasagna (Coyne et al., 2023).
Crowded houses. With multigenerational households on the rise, couples now fight in front of parents, siblings, and sometimes grandparents (Kalmijn, 2022).
No wonder the old “count to ten” advice doesn’t quite cut it.
Core Rules of Fighting Fair
1. Fight the Issue, Not the Identity
Unfair: “You’re selfish.”
Fair: “When you’re late without calling, I feel ignored.”
(Contempt — not anger — is the divorce predictor. Gottman & Silver, 1999.)
2. No Third Parties Without Consent
Don’t drag Mom, Reddit, or your group chat into it. Triangulation only makes fights metastasize (Minuchin, 1974).
3. Regulate the Body, Not Just the Mouth
When your heart rate tops 100, your brain loses 30 IQ points. Take breaks. Sleep on it. Karney & Bradbury (2020) found couples who pause to calm physiology stay together longer.
4. Stay Current
No “kitchen sink” fights, please. Keep 2011 out of it. Gottman (2015) calls this flooding: when you drown a solvable problem in historical grievances.
5. Humor Is a Scalpel, Not a Sword
Gentle jokes help, sarcasm kills. Couples who laugh with each other in conflict report higher satisfaction (Kurtz & Algoe, 2017).
6. Rupture and Repair Again and Again
Repair attempts — “Let me try again,” “We’re on the same team” — are the single best predictor of marital survival (Gottman, 2015).
Scripts for Fighting Fair
Instead of:
“You never listen.”
Say: “When you scroll your phone while I’m talking, I feel dismissed. Can you pause screens for ten minutes?”
Instead of:
“You’re just like your mother.”
Say: “When you bring up past mistakes in front of your parents, I feel undermined. Can we keep family out of this?”
Instead of:
“Why do I have to do everything?”
Say: “I feel overwhelmed managing the house. Can we re-divide chores this weekend?”
Instead of:
“You’re overreacting.”
Say: “I can see this is important to you. Let’s take a break so I can come back calmer.”
Instead of:
“Fine. Forget it.”
Say: “I don’t know what else to say right now. Can we revisit this tomorrow?”
Extended Family Edition
In-law interference:
Unfair: “Your mom ruins everything.”
Fair: “When your mom criticizes me in front of the kids, I feel undermined. Can you back me up next time?”
Shared bills in multigenerational households:
Unfair: “Your brother is a freeloader.”
Fair: “I feel stressed paying more than my share. Can we set expectations with him together?”
Micro-Lists for Screenshots
5 Things Never to Say in a Fight
“You always…”
“You never…”
“You’re just like your mother/father.”
“Calm down.”
“Forget it.”
3 One-Liners That Can Save a Marriage Mid-Fight
“Let me say that better.”
“We’re on the same team.”
“Snack break?”
4 Signs You’re Fighting Dirty
Bringing up ancient history.
Recruiting allies mid-fight.
Sarcasm as a weapon.
Walking away without repair.
Self-Test: Do You Fight Dirty?
Answer yes/no:
Do you roll your eyes during arguments?
Do you involve your kids or parents in conflicts?
Do you bring up past mistakes when fighting current ones?
Do you ever exclaim “calm down!” mid-fight?
Do you walk away without making a repair attempt?
Score:
0–1 = Fair Fighter.
2–3 = Risky Brawler.
4–5 = Contempt Commando. Consider calling a science-based couples therapist. Soon. I can help with that.
FAQs: Fighting Fair in 2025
What is the number one rule of fighting fair in marriage?
Attack the problem, not your partner. Criticize their behavior, not their character.
Should couples go to bed angry?
Sometimes yes. Physiological calming overnight often makes fights more solvable in the morning (Karney & Bradbury, 2020).
How do I stop bringing in-laws into fights?
Set clear boundaries. Family systems theory shows triangulation escalates conflict (Bowen, 1978).
Why is humor important in fighting fair?
Gentle humor regulates emotions and bonds couples. Sarcasm, however, predicts contempt and divorce (Kurtz & Algoe, 2017).
What’s the role of repair attempts?
They’re everything. Couples who accept each other’s repair attempts stay together. Those who reject them don’t (Gottman, 2015).
Final thoughts
Fighting fair doesn’t mean silence or politeness. It means boundaries, humor, and repair.
It means recognizing that the fight is temporary, but the relationship is (hopefully) permanent.
You both expect one another to stubbornly outlast the problem at hand.
So expect to have an occassional fight every now and then — but fight like you plan to sit at the same dinner table, sleep in the same bed, and show up to the same family reunion once the smoke clears.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Coyne, S. M., Stockdale, L., & Booth, M. (2023). Technoference and couple conflict in the digital era. Computers in Human Behavior, 142, 107668.
Finkel, E. J., Bail, C. A., Cikara, M., Ditto, P., Iyengar, S., Klar, S., … & Druckman, J. N. (2020). Political sectarianism in America. Science, 370(6516), 533–536.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.
Gottman, J. (2015). Principia Amoris: The new science of love. Routledge.
Iyengar, S., & Westwood, S. J. (2015). Fear and loathing across party lines. American Journal of Political Science, 59(3), 690–707.
Kalmijn, M. (2022). Multigenerational households and family conflict. Journal of Marriage and Family, 84(4), 881–900.
Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2020). Marital conflict and physiological stress. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(3), 281–293.
Kurtz, L. E., & Algoe, S. B. (2017). Humor in romantic relationships: A meta-analysis. Journal of Research in Personality, 68, 46–56.