Kitchen Sinking: The Relationship Apocalypse We Keep Inviting to Dinner

Friday, March 7, 2025.

There is an ancient, primal impulse buried deep in the human psyche: the need to win an argument. Not just any argument, but all arguments—past, present, and possibly even future ones—rolled into a single, magnificent catastrophe of a conversation.

This impulse, gentle reader, is kitchen sinking, a phrase that evokes exactly what it describes: the fine art of hurling every grievance, slight, and unresolved resentment into an argument until the original point is buried under a mountain of emotional debris.

If you’ve ever started a conversation about household chores and somehow ended up screaming about that vacation in 2017 where someone forgot the rental car reservation, you’ve experienced it firsthand.

So, why do we do it?

And why, despite being wildly ineffective, do we keep doing it?

Buckle up—this is the definitive history of Kitchen Sinking, Kitchen Thinking, and why we can’t seem to let things go.

What Is Kitchen Sinking?

Kitchen sinking is a communication breakdown in which one partner, instead of addressing a singular issue, dumps every unresolved grievance into a single argument. It is the emotional equivalent of throwing dishes, the fridge, and last week’s groceries into a clogged sink and hoping the plumbing holds.

Instead of moving toward resolution, the conversation spirals into chaos.

And, of course, the other person responds in one of two ways—stonewalling (shutting down completely) or defensiveness (hurling their own grievances back).

Either way, nothing gets solved, and both people walk away exhausted and resentful.

The term kitchen sinking was first coined by psychiatrist R.D. Laing in the 1960s, who used it to describe how people with disordered communication styles tend to overload conversations with too many issues at once (Laing, 1967).

But it wasn’t until relationship researchers like John Gottman started studying marital conflict that we realized just how destructive it is.

Kitchen sinking activates all four of Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse—Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling—which is a pretty good indication that it will lead to ruin (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

The Problem With Kitchen Sinking

The fundamental issue with kitchen sinking is painfully obvious: it overwhelms both partners and guarantees that nothing actually gets resolved.

Instead of dealing with one manageable issue, the argument turns into a verbal avalanche of past grievances, ensuring that both people become emotionally flooded and incapable of productive discussion.

In practical terms, kitchen sinking:

• Derails problem-solving – When every issue is dragged in at once, no single problem gets addressed.

• Triggers defensiveness – The receiving partner, overwhelmed by accusations, either withdraws or fights back.

• Escalates negative sentiment override – Each partner starts seeing the other as an adversary rather than an ally.

• Creates a cycle of unresolved conflict – Because nothing is resolved, these arguments repeat, like an unholy sitcom rerun.

Why Do Some Partners Engage in Kitchen Sinking?

If kitchen sinking is so toxic, why do we do it? Because, in the moment, it feels like justice. It feels like finally being heard. It feels like a righteous, cathartic reckoning. But it’s actually just emotional sabotage.

There are a few key reasons why kitchen sinking happens:

Anxious Attachment and Fear of Abandonment

Kitchen sinking is particularly common in people with Anxious Attachment styles (Feeney & Noller, 1990). These folks fear rejection and struggle with emotional security in relationships. When an argument starts, they aren’t just reacting to the issue at hand—they are fighting for reassurance.

Research by Mikulincer & Shaver (2003) found that people with Anxious Attachment are hyper-aware of relational threats and more likely to escalate conflicts emotionally. Their brains are wired to seek reassurance, but instead of asking for it directly, they engage in maladaptive behaviors like kitchen sinking, hoping to force their partner into proving their love.

The Flooding Effect: When Emotions Hijack the Brain

When conflict escalates, the brain floods with cortisol and adrenaline, essentially throwing rational thought out the window (LeDoux, 2000). This flooding effect causes people to lose the ability to focus on one issue at a time and instead search for every possible reason to justify their anger.

In this state, your brain is actively collecting grievances, dragging up every unresolved resentment to support your emotional reaction. Your partner is no longer just "late for dinner"—they have never respected your time, never prioritized you, and have consistently disappointed you since the day you met.

A History of Trust Violations

Let’s be fair to the kitchen sinkers of the world: sometimes, they aren’t just making sh*t up. Chronic kitchen sinking is often a sign of repeated betrayal or unresolved wounds.

If a relationship has been plagued by broken promises, emotional neglect, or outright betrayals, it makes sense that one small fight can trigger years of stored resentment. The issue isn’t that these grievances don’t matter—it’s that dumping them into one conversation prevents actual healing.

Anthony Bourdain inspired to me to re-imagine Kitchen Thinking 2.0: an Alternative to Kitchen Sinking?

If kitchen sinking is emotional chaos, then kitchen thinking must be emotional discipline.

I’d like to reimagine Kitchen Thinking 2.0 is the practice of keeping your thoughts organized during conflict—sticking to the present issue rather than mentally retrieving every past grievance like a human time machine of resentment.

Inspired by Anthony Bourdain’s concept of mindfulness in the kitchen, Kitchen Thinking 2.0 is about situational awareness in communication. If a chef doesn’t stay present, they get burned. The same is true in relationships.

How to Practice Kitchen Thinking 2.0

• Stay Present – When arguing, focus only on the current issue. Don’t let your brain start pulling up past mistakes.

• Use ‘I’ Statements – Instead of "You never listen!" say, "I feel unheard when I try to express myself."

• Recognize Emotional Flooding – If your heart rate spikes and your mind starts reaching for every past wrong, take a break. Gottman suggests a 20-minute timeout to let your nervous system reset.

• Prioritize Repair Attempts – Use humor, affection, or reassurance to de-escalate. Successful couples repair conflicts quickly instead of letting them spiral (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

• Seek Professional Help If It’s Chronic – If every conversation turns into a kitchen sink argument, therapy can help.

Final Thoughts: Breaking the Kitchen Sinking Cycle

Kitchen sinking is a toxic habit born out of emotional flooding, insecure attachment, and unresolved trust issues.But the good news is, it can be unlearned.

By replacing kitchen sinking with Kitchen Thinking 2.0, couples can fight smarter, not dirtier—staying focused, reducing escalation, and actually solving problems instead of drowning in them.

Because the problem isn’t just kitchen sinking. It’s also the defensive response that keeps both partners trapped in emotional gridlock.

So, next time you feel the urge to bring up everything in an argument, pause. Breathe. Stay present.

And maybe let that vacation fight from 2017 stay where it belongs: in the past.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.58.2.281

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.

LeDoux, J. E. (2000). Emotion circuits in the brain. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23(1), 155–184. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.neuro.23.1.155

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2003). The attachment behavioral system in adulthood: Activation, psychodynamics, and interpersonal processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 35, 53–152. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(03)01002-5

Wilson, A. E., & Cortes, K. E. (2016). When slights beget slights: A meta-perception perspective on the link between perceived discrimination and problem drinking. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(9), 1224–1239. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167216662767