Kitchen Sinking: How to Lose an Argument and Alienate Your Spouse

Friday, March 7, 2025. Revised and updated.

Kitchen Sinking. That time-honored strategy where you throw every single grievance, large and small, into an argument, hoping to flatten your partner beneath the sheer weight of your righteous indignation.

It’s a bit like arguing with a firehose: you don’t want to win so much as you want to drown them.

John Gottman, the grandmaster of relationship research, has spent decades decoding the mechanics of effective complaining.

His verdict? Kitchen Sinking is about as effective as putting out a grease fire with gasoline. But that hasn’t stopped millions of couples from trying.

The Problem with Kitchen Sinking: A Masterclass in Dysfunction

Here’s the problem: the person unleashing the verbal tsunami is deep in Negative Sentiment Override (N.S.O.), meaning their brain has decided their partner is less of a beloved life companion and more of an enemy combatant. The target of this flood has exactly two options: stonewall (shut down completely) or get defensive (fight back). Both are terrible choices, but, hey, so is Kitchen Sinking.

If you’ve already started Kitchen Sinking, you might want to hit the brakes and take a 20-minute time-out—not to plot your next attack, but to let your nervous system calm down (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Your brain on conflict is like an overheating engine; continuing the fight just burns out the motor.

Why Do People Engage in Kitchen Sinking?

They Want to Win, Not Solve the Problem

A well-adjusted adult in a healthy relationship wants resolution. A Kitchen Sinker wants victory. They are less interested in fixing the issue than in proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are the wronged party. (Spoiler: This does not end well.)

They Lack Emotional Regulation Skills

Kitchen Sinkers tend to flood easily—meaning their nervous system goes into overdrive at the first sign of conflict. Physiological arousal (elevated heart rate, adrenaline surge, tunnel vision) short-circuits their ability to communicate effectively (Levenson et al., 2014). Add a highly defensive partner, and you’ve got a marital meltdown in progress.

They Have Unresolved Attachment Wounds

People with insecure attachment styles, particularly Anxious Attachment, tend to engage in Kitchen Sinking more frequently. They are highly sensitive to rejection, often ruminate on past hurts, and struggle with trusting their partner (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Their approach to conflict is often less about resolution and more about seeking reassurance in destructive ways.

Trust Has Been Violated (Repeatedly)

Here’s where we extend a tiny olive branch to the Kitchen Sinker: they often have a point. If trust has been broken again and again, Kitchen Sinking may be an attempt to illustrate a pattern of betrayal rather than just one isolated incident. The problem is, it’s a terrible strategy.

Kitchen Thinking: The Sneaky Cousin of Kitchen Sinking

If Kitchen Sinking is the vocalized explosion of resentment, Kitchen Thinking 1.0 is its silent, brooding sibling.

Researchers Wilson and Cortes (2016) coined the term to describe the mental habit of silently ruminating over past slights during a fight—even if you don’t say them out loud.

Their study found that simply thinking about previous betrayals during an argument made people more likely to escalate the conflict and less likely to repair afterward. Kitchen Thinking partners tended to:

• Report more frequent fights

• Respond more destructively in arguments

• Feel worse about their relationship overall

Most notably, those with Anxious Attachment were especially prone to Kitchen Thinking, which means their brain is essentially running a highlight reel of every past offense while trying to engage in conflict resolution.

A Better Approach: Kitchen Thinking 2.0

Instead of using Kitchen Thinking to fuel more fights, what if we used it for self-awareness? If you catch yourself mentally dragging out the file folder labeled “My Partner’s Greatest Hits (of Betrayal)”, pause and reframe.

You might say:

“I’m noticing that I’m bringing up a lot of old hurts in my head right now. I think that means I’m feeling really let down in this moment.”

This shifts the conversation from accusation to reflection—which means your partner is less likely to get defensive and more likely to actually hear you.

Breaking the Kitchen Sinking Cycle

If you’re a chronic Kitchen Sinker, there’s hope. Breaking the cycle requires:

• Recognizing the Pattern – Notice when you’re about to unleash a greatest-hits compilation of grievances and stop yourself.

• Self-Soothing First – If you’re too activated, take a 20-minute break (seriously, science says this works).

• Focusing on One Issue at a Time – If your argument starts with “I didn’t like how you spoke to me just now” and ends with “And another thing, in 2017 you totally ignored writing me my usual birthday poem!”, congratulations—you’ve Kitchen Sunk. Reel it in.

• Seeking Professional Help – Good couples therapy can help you learn better communication tools. (Yes, I can help with that.)

Final Thoughts: Escaping Emotional Gridlock

Kitchen Sinking is a relationship trap. It creates a lose-lose cycle of escalation, defensiveness, and unresolved grievances.

The irony? The very thing the Kitchen Sinker wants—validation—becomes harder to get, because their partner is too busy either shutting down or fighting back.

The antidote?

Slow down. Speak your feelings one at a time. And if you’re stuck in emotional gridlock, get help.

Be Well. Stay Kind. And, for the love of healthy relationships, stop Kitchen Sinking. Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Cortes, K., & Wilson, A. E. (2016). When Slights Beget Slights. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167216670606