Destiny Is a Dangerous Idea in Love
Wednesday, February 11, 2026.
There are two dominant ways people understand love.
Some believe love is found.
Others believe love is built.
That distinction is not poetic. It is predictive.
A 2025 study published in Personal Relationships found that folks who hold strong destiny beliefs — the belief that romantic partners are either “meant to be” or not — are significantly more likely to engage in post-relationship contact and tracking behaviors after a breakup.
Calling.
Messaging.
Monitoring social media.
Attempting proximity.
Especially when they believed their ex-partner was their soulmate.
What the Research Actually Found
The researchers examined what are known as implicit theories of relationships:
Destiny beliefs: Romantic compatibility is predetermined. There is “the one.” If the relationship fails, something fundamental was wrong.
Growth beliefs: Relationships succeed through shared effort, communication, and repair.
Across four studies, one pattern held:
Stronger destiny beliefs predicted more frequent post-relationship contact and tracking (PRCT) behaviors.
But there was an important nuance.
Destiny beliefs predicted pursuit most strongly among people who believed their ex was their ideal partner — their soulmate.
It was not abstract belief in fate that mattered.
It was believing fate had already been found.
The Psychological Mechanism
Here is the chain, stripped of romance:
Destiny belief
→ Perceived soulmate loss
→ Threat to meaning and identity
→ Attachment panic
→ Pursuit behaviors (PRCT)
If love is rare and singular, then losing “the one” is not merely relational pain.
It is existential violation.
The mind attempts to repair violations.
Tracking an ex is not always about obsession.
It is often about restoring narrative coherence.
PRCT Is Not Automatically Pathological
Post-relationship contact and tracking behaviors exist on a spectrum.
At one end:
Checking an ex’s Instagram once.
Sending a final message for closure.
At the other:
Persistent monitoring.
Intrusive attempts at reconnection.
The study does not claim all PRCT is harmful.
It identifies belief patterns that increase the likelihood of these behaviors.
Beliefs shape distress tolerance.
And destiny beliefs appear to lower it.
Why Growth Beliefs Stabilize Breakups
Folks high in growth beliefs reported significantly lower tendencies toward PRCT.
Growth beliefs frame relationships as contingent rather than fated.
If love is built, its ending — while painful — does not signal cosmic error.
It signals mismatch.
Or effort exhausted.
Or incompatibility revealed.
Growth beliefs allow grief without metaphysical collapse.
Destiny beliefs intensify loss because they make closure psychologically incoherent.
The Experimental Twist
The researchers did something particularly interesting.
They exposed participants to short fictional articles promoting either destiny or growth beliefs.
Even when these articles did not strongly shift participants’ explicit belief scores, they influenced behavioral intentions.
Participants primed with destiny messaging reported greater likelihood of post-breakup pursuit behaviors.
Those exposed to growth messaging reported lower likelihood.
Beliefs are not fixed.
They are activated.
And when destiny is activated, pursuit intensifies.
Soulmate Culture and Fragility
We romanticize singularity.
“The one.”
“Twin flame.”
“Meant to be.”
These narratives feel sacred at the beginning.
They can become destabilizing at the end.
Destiny beliefs do not cause obsession.
They make loss feel catastrophic.
If love is supposed to be effortless, then effort signals failure.
If love is fated, then its ending must be wrong.
And when something feels wrong, the attachment system attempts repair.
A Clinical Observation
In practice, people who struggle to let go are often not irrational.
They are ideologically injured.
They believed this relationship was singular.
They believed this connection was rare.
They believed this story was the story.
When it ends, they are not just grieving a partner.
They are grieving a worldview.
You cannot resolve that with “just move on.”
You must gently widen the narrative.
The Larger Question
The researchers are now exploring whether growth believers may be more prone to relationship burnout — whether a willingness to “keep working on it” produces exhaustion before dissolution.
That tension matters.
Destiny believers may struggle after the end.
Growth believers may over-function before it.
Different vulnerabilities.
Same attachment system.
What This Research Clarifies
Belief systems regulate how the nervous system interprets loss.
The more singular the story, the harder the separation.
Breakups are already painful.
Metaphysics can make them unbearable.
Be Well. Stay Kind. And Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Thompson, A. E., Gooch, K., Willhite, R. M., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2025). We were meant to be: Do implicit theories of relationships and perceived partner fit help explain post-relationship contact and tracking behaviors following a breakup? Personal Relationships.