The Love Secret from Norway: should we all try ‘Sex Before Coffee’?

Wednesday, August 7, 2024.

Picture this: you wake up, yawn, stretch, and before your morning coffee, you engage in a little romp.

Welcome to the Norwegian approach to love and dating, affectionately termed "sex before coffee."

As an American couples therapist, I can’t help but chuckle at the idea while also pondering its cultural implications.

So what’s the deal with Norwegian Wood?

What could this mean for more reserved societies? And could it actually work?

The Scandinavian Way

In Scandinavia, "sex before coffee" symbolizes an upfront, efficient approach to dating. In Norway, however, it could be meant quite literally.

Any potential romantic endeavor just might start with sex rather than the typical dinner date. It seems that it's the same deal in Iceland.

With a population under 400,000, Iceland’s dating scene is more like a tightly-knit community where everyone knows everyone. This small-town feel means fewer strangers and more familiar faces.

Cultural Context Matters

When discussing such a unique concept, it's crucial to understand the cultural context.

Iceland's relaxed attitude toward sex is deeply embedded in their culture.

A 2000s Durex survey revealed that Icelanders begin their sexual experiences younger (average age 15.7 years compared to the global average of 17.7 years) and have more sexual partners (12.4 compared to the global average of 10.5).

The American Perspective

In the United States, the concept of sex before coffee might raise a few eyebrows. The notion of body count is not only historical; it has also found new adherents in the Red Pill Movement.

The dating culture in the USA is far more traditional, often involving several dates before intimacy. This approach stems from deeper societal norms that view sex as a significant step in a relationship, typically reserved for when a solid foundation has been built. This notion has shaped our understanding of human attachment, which Scandinavia, frankly, blows out of the water.

Efficiency vs. Exploration

Icelanders, for example, value efficiency in their romantic pursuits.

Siggi, a 31-year-old carpenter, shares that dating is practically non-existent. Instead, relationships often start from a night out, a few drinks, and seeing where things go.

This spontaneous method can quickly lead to moving in together without the formalities of dating.

In contrast, Americans tend to explore relationships more gradually.

The process of dating allows individuals to get to know each other, assess compatibility, and build emotional connections before taking things to the next level. This exploration phase is seen as essential to forming a lasting bond.

Financial Implications

One humorous yet practical reason for the lack of dating in Iceland is the cost. “Inviting someone on a date here means you’re going to go bankrupt,” jokes Siggi. Iceland's high cost of living makes traditional dating an expensive affair, pushing couples towards more spontaneous and casual beginnings.

Equality and Consent

Iceland's progressive stance on gender equality and consent plays a significant role in their dating culture.

Women in Iceland experience less objectification, and casual sex is seen as a consensual and equal endeavor. This contrasts with many other cultures where casual sex can carry negative connotations and gender imbalances. The USA, for example, is toxically preoccupied with notions of virtue and low body count.

Could This Work Elsewhere?

Introducing "sex before coffee" to more conservative cultures, like the United States, would require a seismic shift in societal norms. I don’t see that happening anytime soon. It might, however, provoke an uptick in sex tourism to Scandinavia.

However, certain aspects, such as promoting equity and consent in casual encounters, could be beneficial.

Encouraging open communication about desires and boundaries within a heterogeneous culture such as the USA might help demystify sex and reduce associated stigmas. Wonderful thought leaders such as my friend and colleague Yanna Tallon-Hicks, have given these concerns serious thought.

Research and Realities

Studies show that societies with open attitudes toward sex and equality tend to have healthier relationships. For instance, the World Economic Forum consistently ranks Iceland as having one of the highest levels of gender equality. This equality fosters a culture where sexual encounters are based on mutual respect and consent.

Final thoughts

While the idea of "sex before coffee" might seem unconventional, it highlights the importance of cultural context in shaping our attitudes toward relationships and intimacy. This reinforces the notion that what American therapists understand as Attachment Science is a useful lie.

There may, in fact, be a plethora of Attachment Sciences. Cultural forces shape attachment much more profoundly than we currently seem to believe.

For Americans, adopting some elements of Iceland’s approach, such as open communication and equality in sexual encounters, could enhance relationship satisfaction. But our preoccupation with Portia Polygamy is a far more enduring trope. We Americans seem to prefer Soul Mates with a low body count.

Ultimately, the key lies in understanding and respecting each other’s boundaries and desires, whether you prefer a traditional date or a spontaneous encounter.

But who knows? Perhaps a little bit of Icelandic spontaneity could add a spark to our own romantic lives.

However, Americans remain self-conscious about body count in a way that renders Sex Before Coffee to be inherently problematic.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Durex Global Sex Survey. (2005). Sexual well-being global survey. Retrieved from Durex Global Sex Survey

World Economic Forum. (2023). Global gender gap report 2023. Retrieved from World Economic Forum

Williams, Z. (2024, August 7). The Icelandic love secret: Should we all try ‘sex before coffee’? The Guardian. Retrieved from The Guardian