Why do long-distance relationships fail?

Friday, February 23, 2024. Revised 8/14/24.

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) can be immensely challenging, often presenting hurdles that require considerable emotional fortitude, patience, and communication skills to overcome.

Long-distance relationships involve partners who are geographically separated, often by considerable distances. While technology facilitates communication, physical proximity remains a significant factor in relationship dynamics.

As a couples therapist specializing in LDRs, I've identified the intricate dynamics that influence their success or failure, drawing from social science research and insights from relationship thought leaders…

• Communication Challenges: Effective communication lies at the heart of any relationship, but it becomes especially critical in long-distance scenarios where face-to-face interaction is limited. Research by Laura Stafford and Andy Merolla highlights that LDR couples often face difficulties in maintaining communication patterns that are both frequent and satisfying. Without the benefit of non-verbal cues and spontaneous interactions, misunderstandings can easily arise, leading to feelings of loneliness, frustration, and disconnection.

  Effective communication is essential for relationship maintenance. However, distance can complicate communication patterns. According to Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002), couples in long-distance relationships may encounter difficulties in maintaining consistent and meaningful communication. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and feelings of disconnectedness can arise, leading to relationship dissatisfaction and eventual breakdown.

• Trust Issues: Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, yet distance can amplify insecurities and trigger doubts about fidelity and commitment. According to studies by Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock, individuals in LDRs may experience heightened jealousy and uncertainty due to the lack of physical proximity and the inability to monitor their partner's activities. Without proactive efforts to build and maintain trust, these insecurities can erode the foundation of the relationship over time.

  Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, yet it can be particularly challenging to maintain in long-distance relationships. Research by Ruppel, E. K., & Curran, M. A. (2012) suggests that distance can exacerbate jealousy and insecurity, leading to trust issues between partners. Without regular physical presence and reassurance, individuals in LDRs may experience heightened doubts about their partner's fidelity, ultimately eroding trust and relationship stability.

• Emotional Intimacy: Emotional intimacy thrives on shared experiences, mutual vulnerability, and physical closeness. However, distance can impede the development of intimacy, making it challenging for partners to feel truly connected on a deep emotional level. Research by Gwendolyn Seidman suggests that couples in LDRs may struggle to establish a sense of emotional closeness, leading to feelings of emotional detachment and dissatisfaction.

• Mismatched Expectations: Unrealistic expectations can set couples up for disappointment and frustration in any relationship, but they can be particularly detrimental in long-distance dynamics.

  My colleague Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of aligning expectations regarding communication frequency, future plans, and the nature of the relationship. Conflicts can arise when partners have divergent expectations or fail to communicate their needs effectively, undermining the relationship's stability.

  Long-distance relationships often require couples to navigate periods of extended separation, which can be emotionally taxing. According to Knobloch, L. K., & Solomon, D. H. (1999), unrealistic expectations about the frequency of visits, communication patterns, and the eventual reunion can strain the relationship. Discrepancies between partners' expectations and reality may lead to disappointment, resentment, and disillusionment, contributing to relationship dissatisfaction and potential dissolution.

  Lack of Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy is crucial in fostering emotional connection and relationship satisfaction. However, distance can create significant barriers to physical closeness, leaving partners longing for touch and affection. Studies by Crystal Jiang underscore the impact of physical separation on sexual satisfaction and overall relationship quality in LDRs. Without creative strategies for maintaining intimacy, couples may struggle to bridge the physical gap, leading to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

• External Stressors: Beyond the inherent challenges of distance, external stressors such as work commitments, cultural differences, and financial constraints can further strain the relationship. The brilliant Karen Blair highlights the impact of external stressors on relationship satisfaction and resilience in LDRs. When couples are unable to navigate these challenges together effectively, they may feel overwhelmed and disconnected, exacerbating existing tensions and increasing the likelihood of relationship failure.

  External stressors, such as career demands, educational pursuits, or family obligations, can exert additional pressure on long-distance relationships. Research by Stafford, L., & Reske, J. R. (1990) suggests that individuals in LDRs may struggle to balance relationship commitments with other life priorities, leading to feelings of neglect and frustration. Significant life transitions, such as job relocations or changes in personal circumstances, can further disrupt the stability of long-distance relationships, making it challenging for couples to adapt and thrive.

• Limited Support Networks: Social support plays a crucial role in buffering the stress of long-distance relationships and providing emotional validation and encouragement. However, research by Laura Stafford suggests that individuals in LDRs may have smaller support networks and fewer opportunities for face-to-face interaction with friends and family. Without adequate support, partners may feel isolated and emotionally drained, making it difficult to sustain the relationship amidst adversity.

Coping Strategies and Resilience

Despite the inherent challenges, some long-distance relationships succeed through effective coping strategies and resilience.

Research by Guldner, G. T. (1998) emphasizes the importance of trust, communication, and mutual support in fostering resilience within LDRs.

Couples who actively work to maintain emotional connection, establish realistic expectations, and prioritize relationship goals are better equipped to navigate the challenges of distance and sustain a fulfilling partnership.

Long-distance relationships can fail for many reasons, ranging from communication challenges and trust issues to mismatches in expectations and external stressors.

Successfully navigating these hurdles requires effective communication, trust-building strategies, and proactive efforts to maintain emotional and physical intimacy. By acknowledging the unique dynamics of LDRs and investing in mutual understanding and support, couples can strengthen their bond and increase their chances of long-term relationship success. I can help with that.

Be well, stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Patterns of communication channel use in the maintenance of long-distance relationships. Communication Research Reports, 19(2), 118-129.

Guldner, G. T. (1998). Long-distance romantic relationships: Prevalence and separation-related symptoms in college students. Journal of College Student Development, 39(3), 303-311.

Knobloch, L. K., & Solomon, D. H. (1999). The role of relationship development and attachment in the experience of romantic jealousy. Personal Relationships, 6(2), 241-256.

Ruppel, E. K., & Curran, M. A. (2012). Long-distance relationships: The causes of stress and the benefits of reassurance. Communication Studies, 63(3), 287-303.

Stafford, H., & Merolla, A. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(1), 37-54.

Stafford, L., & Reske, J. R. (1990). Idealization and communication in long-distance premarital relationships. Family Relations, 39(3), 274-279.