What can I do about a passive-aggressive mother-in-law?

Friday, February 23, 2024. This is for LM.

I have a lovely client, Laura.

Her mother-in-law, Abigail, is passive-aggressive…

Here is what I told her to do:

Recognize and Validate Everyone’s Emotions…

Dr. John Gottman's research emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence in relationships. When dealing with a passive-aggressive mother-in-law, it's crucial to recognize the underlying emotions driving her behavior.

This may include feelings of resentment, insecurity, or fear of confrontation.

By validating her emotions, you acknowledge her inner experience without necessarily agreeing with her behavior. Gottman's work highlights the significance of empathy in building strong relationships, as it fosters a sense of connection and understanding between individuals.

Communicate Openly and Assertively…

Gottman's research on effective communication underscores the need for both partners to express their thoughts and feelings openly while maintaining respect and empathy.

When addressing passive-aggressive behavior, strive to communicate assertively, using "I" statements to express your perspective without blaming or criticizing.

Encourage your partner to do the same when discussing concerns about their mother's behavior. By fostering a culture of open communication within your relationship, you create a safe space for addressing sensitive issues and finding mutually acceptable solutions.

Set Firm Boundaries… Do Not Be Squishy…

Establishing clear boundaries is a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships, as highlighted in Gottman's work. Boundaries help define acceptable behavior and protect individuals from feeling disrespected or overwhelmed.

When dealing with a passive-aggressive mother-in-law, it's essential to communicate your boundaries assertively and consistently. This may involve setting limits on specific topics of conversation, establishing guidelines for visits or interactions, and communicating consequences for crossing boundaries.

By maintaining firm but respectful boundaries, you assert your autonomy while also preserving the integrity of your relationship with your partner.

Focus on Solutions, Not on Shame or Blame…

Gottman's research emphasizes the importance of problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills in maintaining solid relationships. When addressing passive-aggressive behavior, it's essential to focus on finding constructive solutions rather than assigning blame or dwelling on past grievances.

Collaborate with your partner and, if appropriate, your mother-in-law to identify underlying issues and explore practical strategies for addressing them. This may involve seeking professional help from a Gottman Method therapist, who can guide and support in navigating challenging dynamics and fostering healthier communication patterns.

Seek Support if Needed…

Gottman's approach to couples therapy emphasizes the value of seeking outside support when facing relationship challenges.

If attempts to address passive-aggressive behavior prove challenging or if conflicts escalate, consider seeking guidance from a qualified therapist or counselor.

A good Marriage and Family Therapist can offer insights, tools, and perspective to help you navigate complex dynamics and strengthen your relationship with your partner and mother-in-law.

Additionally, couples therapy can foster greater understanding, empathy, and collaboration, ultimately enhancing the overall quality of your relationship. Frankly, your passive-aggressive mother-in-law is the perfect topic for couples therapy because it is an unsolvable problem. Reach out to me. I can help with that.

Practice Self-Care…

Lastly, Gottman's research highlights the importance of self-care in maintaining emotional well-being and relationship resilience.

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior can be emotionally taxing, so prioritize activities and practices that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health—some of these things you’ll do with your partner. Keep reading this blog as I bring you the latest findings in neuroscience and what you can do as a couple whenever your mother-in-law acts out.

Some self-care regimes you’ll do alone. This may include exercise, mindfulness meditation, journaling, reading, etc.

You’ll also heal by spending time with supportive friends and family members, pursuing hobbies and interests, and seeking individual therapy or counseling if needed. Your mother-in-law may be a pain in the ass that you’d can barely mitigate. But try, you must.

By taking care of yourself, you can better cope with stress, maintain perspective, and approach challenging situations with clarity and resilience.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the "Love Lab" About What Women Really Want. Rodale Books.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples. W. W. Norton & Company.