Triangulation and Flying Monkeys
Sunday, June 23, 2024. This is for LM, who knows.
Navigating the narcissistic landscape is like stepping into a surreal circus, where the ringmaster isn't just wearing a top hat but wielding a psychological whip of manipulation and control.
Today, we're diving into the curious and confounding realms of "triangulation and flying monkeys," two terms that sound straight out of a whimsical fairy tale but are, unfortunately, all too real in the landscape of narcissistic abuse.
What Is Triangulation?
Let's start with triangulation. Imagine a triangle, but instead of angles, you have people. Triangulation is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to control relationships and create division. By bringing a third person into a conflict or issue, the narcissist can manipulate the situation to their advantage, often fostering mistrust and competition between the other two parties.
According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, "Triangulation is one of the favorite tools of a narcissist. It keeps people feeling off-balance, insecure, and unsure of where they stand" (Durvasula, 2019).
The key element here is control. By triangulating, the narcissist ensures that they remain the central figure of attention and power. This manipulation can play out in various ways, such as:
Creating Rivalries: By praising one person while criticizing another, the narcissist fosters jealousy and rivalry.
Spreading Misinformation: The narcissist might tell one person a false story about another to create distrust.
Playing the Victim: The narcissist might position themselves as the victim in front of one person, garnering sympathy and support while villainizing another.
The Role of Flying Monkeys
Now, let’s introduce the flying monkeys. Remember the Wicked Witch of the West’s minions from "The Wizard of Oz"? In narcissistic parlance, flying monkeys are the enablers or accomplices who do the narcissist's bidding. These individuals can be friends, family members, or colleagues who, knowingly or unknowingly, support the narcissist's agenda by attacking or ostracizing the target.
"Flying monkeys serve to reinforce the narcissist's reality, often without understanding the full picture. They are the unwitting soldiers in the narcissist’s personal army," explains psychologist Elinor Greenberg (Greenberg, 2016).
Flying monkeys can be particularly damaging because they add numbers to the narcissist’s campaign of manipulation. They may:
Spread Gossip: They help amplify the narcissist's lies and distortions.
Apply Pressure: They may pressure the target to conform or comply with the narcissist’s wishes.
Isolate the Target: By siding with the narcissist, they contribute to the target’s isolation and feelings of alienation.
The Impact of Family Estrangement
Triangulation and flying monkeys often lead to family estrangement, a painful outcome of narcissistic manipulation.
Estrangement can occur when the narcissist successfully drives a wedge between family members, resulting in isolation and severed ties. This estrangement isn't just a physical separation but an emotional and psychological chasm that can take years to bridge, if ever.
Dr. Karyl McBride, author of "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?," notes, "Family estrangement is a common fallout of narcissistic abuse. The narcissist thrives on creating conflict and division, leaving relationships in tatters" (McBride, 2008).
Family estrangement can have profound effects, such as:
Emotional Turmoil: The target may experience guilt, shame, and confusion.
Loss of Support Systems: Being cut off from family means losing critical support networks.
Long-Term Trauma: The psychological scars from estrangement can last a lifetime, affecting future relationships and self-esteem.
Spotting the Red Flags
Recognizing triangulation and flying monkeys is the first step towards breaking free from their toxic grip. Here are some red flags to watch out for:
Gossip and Rumors: The narcissist spreads false or exaggerated stories to pit people against each other.
Inconsistent Stories: The narcissist tells different versions of the same story to different people, creating confusion and conflict.
Third-Party Communication: Instead of addressing issues directly, the narcissist uses others to relay messages, often with a twist.
The Relentless Pursuit of Blind Loyalty: Flying monkeys often defend the narcissist vehemently, dismissing any criticism or evidence of wrongdoing.
Navigating the Narcissistic Circus
So, how do you navigate this circus without becoming part of the act? Here are a few tips:
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable and stick to your boundaries. Boundaries are your first line of defense against manipulation.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who understand your situation and can offer objective advice. Support groups or therapy can provide validation and strategies for coping.
Stay Calm: Reacting emotionally can give the narcissist more ammunition. Strive to respond with calm and clarity. Practice mindfulness or stress-reduction techniques to maintain your composure.
Document Everything: Keep records of interactions that could be used against you. Documentation can be a powerful tool in exposing manipulative behavior. Keeping a journal or saving emails and texts can be crucial.
Final thoughts
Dealing with triangulation and flying monkeys is no walk in the park, but with awareness and the right strategies, you can minimize their impact. Remember, the narcissist’s goal is to destabilize you, but with strength and resilience, you can reclaim your narrative and find peace amidst the chaos.
As Dr. Craig Malkin wisely states, "Surviving a narcissist requires not just understanding them but understanding yourself and your boundaries. Only then can you find a way out of the manipulative maze" (Malkin, 2015).
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
Greenberg, E. (2016). Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety. Greenberg.
McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.
Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists. Harper Wave.
