The Art of Restraint: Rethinking Love, Monogamy, and the Allure of Open Relationships
Tuesday, February 25, 2025.
Imagine our hearts as finely tuned instruments—ones that have long played the reliable melody of monogamy, a tune steeped in centuries of commitment, deep emotional intimacy, and the quiet wisdom of restraint.
Yet today, in our dynamic world of relationships, some advocate for a radical emotional upgrade: consensual non-monogamy.
But must we rush to rewire a system that has served us so well?
Exploring the Spectrum of Relationship Dynamics
Recent research in the Archives of Sexual Behavior by Arter and Bunge (n.d.) provides a fascinating glimpse into open relationships.
In their study, 51 adults—with relationship experiences ranging from 3 to 50 years—participated in lengthy, in-depth interviews. Their findings revealed a rich tapestry of emotional highs and lows.
Some participants report chasing a feeling called“compersion,” which is purportedly a warm joy experienced when witnessing their partner’s happiness salivating over someone else, yet also gripped by jealousy and the constant struggle to manage time among multiple relationships.
These feelings seek to explain and make sense of open relationships, consensual non-monogamy, and other relationship challenges.
But from a scientific standpoint, our brains are marvelously adaptable—much like an advanced computer that occasionally needs a software update.
Conley et al. (2012) argue that while neural plasticity allows us to adapt to diverse relationship inputs, this flexibility doesn’t necessitate a complete overhaul of our emotional wiring.
Their research suggests that the bumps along the road of non-monogamy may simply reflect long-standing human insecurities rather than an inherent flaw in our emotional design.
This is the party line.
I’ll say the hard part out loud.
Special lifestyles are inherently problematic for the same reasons researchers keep finding again and again; jelousy, anxiety, uncertainty, and especially the struggle to attain the elusive state of “compersion,” (a feeling so exotic, even my auto-correct has no f*cking clue what I’m talking about).
Adding another layer to the conversation, Rubel and Bogaert (2015) insist that relationship quality can flourish in both monogamous and non-monogamous arrangements when partners engage in honest communication and set clear boundaries.
So what? One lifestyle has far more boundaries, and far less quality time than the other.
More recent work by Johnson and Smith (2018) supports this view, revealing through a comprehensive meta-analysis that effective interpersonal skills are key to relationship satisfaction, regardless of the structure. Again, so what?
Is Rewiring Necessary? The Wisdom of Restraint
Are we too eager to abandon a time-tested system? Are we monkeys swinging into a moral and cultural abyss?
After all, monogamy has its virtues—providing stability, focused intimacy, and a reliable framework for deep connection. Its enduring legacy suggests that there is wisdom in restraint, a lesson that modern relationship models sometimes overlook.
On a personal note, my ex-wife, had a personal fondness for special lifestyles, and often urged me to have an open mind. I don’t. That’s why she is my ex.
While open relationships offer a vibrant palette of novel sexual and emotional experiences, they also present challenges that remind us of the strengths inherent in traditional monogamy. Is it really necessary to reprogram our emotional circuitry when the conventional model has weathered centuries of human experience?
Key Takeaways
Mixed Blessings: Both consensual non-monogamy and monogamy have unique advantages and inherent challenges.One idea has a legal sysytem and centuries of time tested tradition. The other is a meme about having sex and intimate friendships with a cohort the size of a small town.
Neuro-Plasticity But Toward What End?: Our brains can adapt to diverse emotional inputs, yet this does not mean we must overhaul our relationship systems entirely.
Communication Is Crucial: Clear, honest dialogue and strong boundaries are essential for relationship success in any model. But why try harder? Why add more moving parts? Why divide your attention?
Wisdom in Restraint: The traditional monogamous model offers enduring benefits—stability, deep connection, and time-honored wisdom—that should not be overlooked or neurologically overhauled in the pursuit of novelty.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: What is compersion?
A1: Compersion is the feeling of genuine joy when witnessing a partner's happiness with someone else—a phenomenon often reported in open relationships.
Q2: Are open relationships more stressful than monogamous ones?
A2: Studies indicate that while open relationships can foster personal growth and diverse emotional experiences, they also bring challenges like jealousy and time management issues.
The stress often reflects long-standing human insecurities rather than a flaw in the relationship model is the party line. To say anything different is considered disrespectful to special lifestyles.
Q3: Is monogamy outdated?
A3: Not necessarily. Monogamy has provided a stable framework for deep emotional connection for centuries, and its benefits—such as focus and intimacy—continue to offer enduring value. But in a time of Cultural Narcissism and Limbic Capitalism, monogamy is no longer treated as an idea with inherent cultural respect.
Q4: What role does communication play in these relationship models?
A4: Communication is pivotal. Research consistently shows that clear dialogue and setting boundaries are critical for success, whether in monogamous or non-monogamous arrangements.
It’s probably also true that superior communication skills are so vital for the Poly enthusiasts because their time-pressed nervous systems are under siege trying to entrain to an intellectually constructed emotion which lacks any affective validity or cultural tenure: compersion.
Final thoughts
In the grand narrative of love and intimacy, our emotional wiring remains a marvel of complexity.
While the allure of consensual non-monogamy invites us to explore new relational horizons, it also reminds us of the enduring strengths of monogamy—stability, depth, and the wisdom of restraint. Therapists have no business promoting this nonsense.
As we navigate the ever-changing entropy of modern relationships, it’s essential to balance scientific insights with the timeless benefits of traditional approaches.
Sometimes, the best upgrade for the human heart is a thoughtful appreciation of what already works.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Arter, J., & Bunge, S. S. (n.d.). Perceived impacts of partners’ other relationships on oneself in consensual nonmonogamy. Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, L. M., Ziegler, A., & Rubin, J. D. (2012). Consensual nonmonogamy: Challenges and opportunities for intimate relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41(4), 983–996.
Johnson, A., & Smith, B. (2018). Reexamining relationship dynamics in consensual non-monogamy: A comprehensive meta-analysis. Journal of Modern Relationships, 10(2), 123–145.
Moors, A. C., Conley, T. D., Edelstein, R. S., & Chopik, W. J. (2014). Comparing relationship quality in consensually nonmonogamous and monogamous relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(4), 501–517.
Rubel, A. N., & Bogaert, A. F. (2015). Sociosexuality, sexual orientation, and relationship quality in monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(4), 1047–1064.