On-Again, Off-Again Relationships May Be Making You Sick: What New Research Reveals About Breakup-Makeup Couples
Wednesday, February 25, 2026. This is for Jennifer.
There are couples who break up the way other people get into sourdough.
At first it’s an emergency measure.
Then it’s a hobby.
Eventually there’s a starter, a feeding schedule, and a weekend workshop.
And now—quietly, methodically—the research literature has begun to suggest that this particular fermentation-based model of intimacy may not be so good for the spleen.
A recent paper by René Dailey, Amber Vennum, and Kale Monk in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships examined what is known, with admirable restraint, as relationship cycling—the process of breaking up and renewing a romantic partnership at least once.
Approximately two-thirds of adults have done this.
Which is statistically impressive, given how many of us claim to hate our exes.
Across four separate datasets—383 adults in one sample, 283 college students in another, and two additional samples composed entirely of currently on-again/off-again couples—the pattern was clear:
The more breakup-renewal cycles a couple experienced, the more:
Psychological symptoms they reported (anxiety, depression, irritability, loneliness).
Physical symptoms they reported (headaches, stomach issues, general illness).
Relational stress they experienced inside the partnership itself.
And crucially, relational stress appeared to act as the mediator—the bridge—between the unstable structure of the relationship and declining overall well-being.
Which is to say:
It’s not simply that the relationship contains conflict.
It’s that the relationship keeps repeatedly changing its ontological category.
Partner.
Ex.
Partner again.
Muted contact.
Emergency contact.
Spotify Family Plan participant.
What Is an On-Again, Off-Again Relationship? (Clinical Definition of Relationship Cycling)
Researchers define relationship cycling as breaking up and renewing a romantic partnership at least once.
But clinically, something more consequential is happening.
Every reconciliation event forces the nervous system to perform an update:
This person is safe.
This person is not safe.
This person is safe again.
Pending review.
Each reunion requires the brain to revise its internal working model of the attachment figure.
Over time, the partner ceases to be a stable attachment figure and becomes something closer to a probabilistic weather system.
Sometimes warm.
Sometimes abandoning.
Sometimes appearing suddenly with flowers and an entirely new attachment style.
New Research on Relationship Cycling and Mental Health
Across multiple samples, partners in cyclical relationships reported significantly higher levels of:
Anxiety.
Depression.
Irritability.
Loneliness.
Compared to those lucky souls in stable romantic partnerships.
Relationship cycling was also associated with increased relational stress, defined as the anxiety, worry, and emotional exhaustion stemming directly from the romantic partnership itself.
And this relational stress predicted increases in both psychological and physical health complaints.
How Repeated Breakups Create Chronic Relational Stress
What this model may actually be describing is not just unresolved conflict carried forward across time, but repeated prediction error exposure inside an attachment bond.
Each reunion requires the brain to update:
Last time proximity resulted in pain.
This time proximity may result in repair.
Or pain.
Or tapas.
Over multiple cycles, this creates a state of persistent anticipatory vigilance.
The partner becomes a stochastic variable.
Sometimes nurturing.
Sometimes withdrawing.
Sometimes texting you at 2:11 a.m. with the phrase:
“thinking about u”
Physical Health Symptoms Linked to Relationship Instability
Participants who reported a higher number of breakup-renewal cycles also reported more physical symptoms, including:
Headaches.
Stomach aches.
General illness.
Fatigue.
This suggests a cumulative physical toll associated with repeated relational instability.
If the attachment system is persistently activated by uncertainty, the downstream physiological effects may begin to resemble other forms of chronic stress exposure.
The body, meanwhile, is attempting to digest lunch.
Why Getting Back Together Can Increase Conflict Over Time
When unresolved issues are carried forward into a renewed relationship, partners may have fewer emotional reserves to navigate new challenges.
Conflict patterns often persist across cycles.
Aggressive communication, ineffective conflict resolution, and avoidance behaviors were all associated with increased relational stress—particularly among couples earlier in the cycling process.
Later-stage cyclical couples may simply already be operating at baseline levels of elevated stress.
You cannot meaningfully raise the temperature in a room that is already on fire.
When Reconciliation Becomes a Stress Pattern Instead of Repair
Behavioral psychology has been shouting about intermittent reinforcement since the 1950s:
Rewards delivered on unpredictable schedules are the most resistant to extinction.
Reunion becomes the jackpot.
The sudden reappearance of warmth after estrangement produces a novelty spike that feels less like homeostasis and more like victory.
The relationship may no longer be stabilizing around mutual care.
It may be stabilizing around the thrill of relief.
Around the moral theater of forgiveness.
Around the narrative pleasure of saying:
“We’ve just been through so much together.”
At some point, the partnership begins to function less like a relationship and more like an episodic drama:
Season 1: Idealization.
Season 2: Ambivalence.
Season 3: Rupture.
Season 4: Post-Breakup Growth Podcast Phase.
Season 5: Closure Meeting.
Season 6: Sex.
Season 7: Reconstitution of the Couple.
Season 8: Boundary Setting.
Season 9: Text Message.
Season 10: Rupture.
Which raises a question the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships did not pursue, but perhaps should have:
At what point does this become a lifestyle risk factor?
Frequently Asked Questions About On-Again, Off-Again Relationships
Can breaking up and getting back together make anxiety worse?
Yes. Research suggests that relationship cycling increases relational stress, which is associated with higher levels of anxiety, depression, and irritability over time.
Why do some couples keep getting back together even when the relationship is stressful?
Reconciliation often brings temporary relief from attachment distress, which can reinforce the pattern of reunion—even when underlying conflicts remain unresolved.
Can an on-again, off-again relationship affect your physical health?
Yes. People in cyclical relationships report more physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach problems, and general illness—likely due to accumulated relational stress.
Is it possible to repair a relationship after multiple breakups?
Sometimes—but repair typically requires addressing the unresolved conflict patterns that were carried forward into each reunion cycle.
Therapist’s Note
If you and your partner have broken up and gotten back together multiple times, you may not be dealing with a single conflict.
You may be dealing with a relational pattern that has begun to function as a chronic stressor.
In my work with couples—particularly in intensive formats—I often find that reconciliation alone does not produce repair.
Repair requires identifying and interrupting the conflict and communication patterns that survived each breakup.
If this pattern feels familiar, you may want to begin by learning more about how intensive couples therapy works and whether a structured intervention is appropriate for your situation. Let me know if you’d like to discuss your situation.
Final Thoughts
Love may be blind.
But reconciliation sometimes has an inflammatory profile.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Dailey, R. M., Vennum, A., & Monk, J. K. (2020). Establishing links between relationship cycling, relational stress, and well-being. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(6), 1908–1930. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520917603