Why Sexual Chemistry Disappears in Long-Term Relationships: Admiration Collapse and Desire Discrepancy

Wednesday, February 25, 2026.

Let’s begin with a small linguistic mystery that turns out not to be small at all.

A recent study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior used the Google Books Ngram corpus—more than five million English-language books spanning 1800 to 2022—to track the phrase “feel sexy.”

Out of 28 qualifying constructions (appearing in at least 40 books):

25 referred to women.

Across matched male/female equivalents, female versions appeared about ten times more often than male ones.

This pattern emerged in the late 1970s.
It accelerated after the 1990s.
And it showed up overwhelmingly in heterosexual romance fiction—written primarily by women.

Now, that might sound like a publishing quirk.

It isn’t.

It’s a sexual script.

Object-of-Desire Self-Consciousness (And Why It Matters in Marriage)

The construct the researchers were testing is called object-of-desire self-consciousness.

What is object-of-desire self-consciousness?:

The experience of perceiving oneself as sexually or romantically desirable in another person’s eyes—and becoming aroused in part by that perception.

Not:

“I want you.”

But:

“I can feel that you want me.”

And more importantly:

“That fact is changing how my own body feels from the inside.”

This is not performative vanity.

It is an arousal pathway.

For many women—and for some men—desire is not merely activated by internal libido, but by the recognition that one is functioning as an erotic stimulus inside someone else’s nervous system.

Which is to say:

Being desired is part of becoming desirous.

Sexual Scripts Are Lived, Not Just Learned

Sexual script theory proposes that desire unfolds according to culturally learned expectations:

Who initiates.
Who responds.
Who evaluates.
Who is evaluated.
Who is allowed to notice being evaluated.

The phrase “I feel sexy” often marks the moment someone becomes aware that they are being erotically perceived.

In modern Western heterosexual scripts, women’s arousal is more often scaffolded around:

Being desired → Feeling desirable → Becoming aroused.

Men’s scripts are more often organized around:

Desiring → Acting → Achieving reciprocation.

Both involve attraction.

But then they proceed in opposite directions.

The Mechanism Most Couples Miss

In long-term heterosexual attachment, admiration often functions as an arousal mediator for partners whose desire is appraisal-dependent rather than drive-dependent.

This is the mildly inconvenient clinical reality:

You are not being nice when you admire your partner.

You are regulating their access to erotic activation.

Admiration is not romance-novel garnish.

It is neurocognitive gating.

When visible admiration declines, partners who rely on perceived desirability to access arousal frequently experience a drop in erotic responsiveness—often interpreted, incorrectly, as diminished libido.

Admiration Collapse Under Rising Obligation Density

Most long-term couples do not lose chemistry all at once.

They accumulate roles.

Co-parent.
Scheduler.
Elder-care coordinator.
Financial co-manager.
Health monitor.

As obligation density rises, partners begin to perceive each other as:

infrastructure nodes rather than erotic objects.

And object-of-desire self-consciousness cannot operate in the presence of logistical identity.

People do not feel sexy to the person who reminds them about the dentist.

Many couples shift—gradually and without noticing—from:

“You are wanted.”

to:

“You are required.”

And the nervous system responds accordingly.

A Necessary Note of Caution

Romance fiction was heavily represented among the books containing female-oriented “feel sexy” phrasing.

Which means the corpus may reflect fantasy scaffolding rather than everyday cognition.

But that may actually strengthen the clinical interpretation.

Fantasy often reveals the narrative conditions under which desire becomes thinkable.

That these phrases cluster in romance fiction may indicate the relational environment required for appraisal-dependent arousal to emerge in the first place.

In many long-term heterosexual relationships, desire discrepancy is not caused by unequal libido, but by the degradation of object-of-desire self-consciousness under conditions of rising obligation density.

When admiration becomes intermittent or procedural, appraisal-dependent arousal pathways lose activation—resulting in the subjective experience of “lost chemistry.”

Clinical Implications for Desire Discrepancy

In desire-discrepant couples:

• The higher-desire partner often increases initiation frequency.

• The lower-desire partner often decreases receptivity in the absence of felt admiration.

• Each partner interprets the other’s behavior as rejection.

But the underlying issue may not be libido at all.

It may be the collapse of perceived desirability.

Left uncorrected, this pattern frequently contributes to:

• sexual shutdown.

• contempt accumulation.

• infidelity vulnerability

• relational parallelization.

Restoring erotic functioning often requires not new techniques—

But the reinstatement of visible, credible admiration.

FAQ

Why do some people need to feel desired before they can feel sexual desire?

For some folks, particularly in long-term relationships, arousal is mediated by what researchers call object-of-desire self-consciousness—the perception of being romantically or sexually desirable in a partner’s eyes. When this perception is present, it can activate sexual interest. When it is absent, libido may appear to decline even if biological capacity for arousal remains intact.

What is admiration collapse in a relationship?

Admiration collapse refers to the gradual disappearance of visible, credible appreciation between partners over time. As logistical roles (such as co-parenting, financial management, or caregiving) increase, partners may begin to view each other primarily as functional collaborators rather than erotic companions. This shift can disrupt appraisal-dependent arousal pathways and contribute to desire discrepancy.

Can desire discrepancy be caused by relationship dynamics rather than low libido?

Yes. Many couples who report mismatched sexual desire are not experiencing unequal biological libido. Instead, one partner’s access to arousal may depend more heavily on feeling desired or admired. When admiration becomes intermittent or procedural, sexual responsiveness can decline even in otherwise healthy relationships.

Why does initiation sometimes backfire in long-term couples?

Frequent initiation may be interpreted by the higher-desire partner as a sign of attraction. However, if initiation occurs in the absence of admiration, the lower-desire partner may experience it as procedural or obligatory. This can increase avoidance rather than responsiveness, reinforcing the perception of rejection on both sides.

How does obligation density affect sexual attraction?

As obligation density increases—through shared responsibilities such as parenting, scheduling, or elder care—partners may begin to perceive one another as logistical teammates rather than erotic objects. This perceptual shift can reduce object-of-desire self-consciousness and weaken pathways associated with responsive sexual desire.

Is this difference biological or cultural?

Likely both. The study analyzed published language, not hormonal response. Sexual scripts are known to mediate how biological arousal is interpreted and expressed.

Do men ever need to feel desired to experience arousal?

Yes. The difference is statistical, not absolute. Many men report enhanced arousal when they feel sexually valued.

Could romance novels be skewing the data?

Possibly. But the dominance of female-oriented “feel sexy” phrasing across millions of books suggests the trope is culturally resonant.

Does admiration really affect desire?

In many long-term couples—particularly for partners whose arousal is mediated through perceived desirability—yes.

Therapist’s Note

If admiration has quietly exited your relationship—and been replaced by logistical competence or moral obligation—you may be asking your partner to access desire through a pathway that is no longer neurologically available to them.

This is a common—and treatable—pattern.

Our couples intensives are designed to identify where admiration has collapsed, and to rebuild erotic perception through structured relational interventions conducted across 1- or 2-day formats on our secluded 8-acre property in the Berkshires, with 5–7 hours of Zoom preparation included.

You can learn more by visiting the adjacent contact form and the Couples Therapy Now page.

Final Thoughts

Language evolves quickly.

But not randomly.

When millions of texts converge on the same asymmetry, they may be revealing something clinically relevant:

Men often ask,

“Do I want her?”

Women often ask,

“Does he still want me?”

Not because one gender is vain and the other agentic—

But because one was socialized to experience desire through pursuit,

And the other through reflection.

In long-term attachment, admiration is not foreplay.

It’s infrastructure.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bogaert, A. F., Hernder, J. E., & Johnson, J. R. (2026). Who “feels sexy” in the Google Books corpus? Text-mining evidence for gender differences in object of desire self-consciousness. Archives of Sexual Behavior. Advance online publication.

Simon, W., & Gagnon, J. H. (1986). Sexual scripts: Permanence and change. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 15(2), 97–120.

Muise, A., Stanton, S. C. E., Kim, J. J., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Not in the mood? Men under- (not over-) perceive their partner’s sexual desire in established intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 110(5), 725–742.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York, NY: HarperCollins.