How Narcissists Use Humor to Manipulate Their Friends (and How to Stop It)
Saturday, April 18, 2026.
Let’s get one thing straight: if you’re looking for harmony, look for a barbershop quartet, not a friendship.
Friendships, much like cheap wine and advice from strangers, are acquired tastes.
We tell ourselves we’re drawn to people who share our values and amuse us in the same ways.
In reality, we’re all wandering around perceiving the habits of our dearest friends through prescription lenses that haven’t been updated since college.
Some folk’s perception is so distorted they could walk into a funhouse mirror factory and call it home.
This, apparently, was newsworthy enough for Tobias Altmann and Destaney Sauls, who heroically dove into the narcissistic soup that is modern friendship.
Their research asks: what happens when narcissism crashes the comedy club of our inner circle?
The Social Power of Laughter
Everyone says laughter brings people together.
This is true, unless the joke is about you, in which case it brings tears, lawsuits, or both.
Social science researchers—never ones to let a joke pass without categorizing it—inform us there are four humor styles:
Two of them are “adaptive,” meaning they won’t get you disinvited from brunch: affiliative humor (think, ‘Wasn’t that dinner party fun?’) and self-enhancing humor (essentially laughing instead of crying).
The other two are “maladaptive”—the sharp end of the stick: aggressive humor (laughing at you, not with you) and self-defeating humor (laughing at yourself, public therapy at its finest).
Most people are convinced their friends share their sense of humor. It takes a particular kind of personality disorder to assume otherwise. Enter: narcissism.
The Science of Humor in Social Connection
“Laughter is social glue,” claim researchers (Dunbar, 2017), as if we’re not all coming unglued on the subway.
Tell the right joke, and you’re everyone’s best friend.
Tell the wrong one, and you’re alone with your stand-up dreams. Research also links the style of your jokes to happiness or social outrage (Martin et al., 2003).
Play nice, live longer; play mean, collect enemies.
Two Sides of the Narcissism Coin
To truly appreciate the high farce of human interaction, let’s revisit , once again, our main characters:
Grandiose Narcissists: Imagine every worst-dressed list. Loud, proud, incapably modest, grandiose narcissists think they’re the main act when they’re usually the intermission.
Vulnerable (AKA Covert) Narcissists: Same sense of entitlement, but anxious that nobody’s laughing, and if they are, it’s at the wrong punchline.
Both make friendship more harrowing than a 6-hour dinner with relatives.
Narcissism and Social Relationships
Narcissism, given a spectrum, would immediately try out for lead singer.
According to Miller et al. (2017), we’ve all got a dash, but let’s agree the world only needs so much self-adoration.
Grandiose types sweep you into relationships and then ghost—unless you’ve got a mirror handy. Vulnerable types withdraw before the buffet’s closed.
Research (Campbell & Foster, 2002) reliably shows narcissists get many relationships but keep none. Like people who collect cats but hate fur.
Humor as a Window Into the Narcissistic Mind
Humor, as it turns out, says more about you than your shoes, car, or LinkedIn endorsements.
For grandiose folks, it’s a spotlight.
For vulnerable types, it’s camouflage. Either way, someone’s laughing awkwardly.
A Distorted Social Mirror
When asked to compare their humor to that of their friends, the self-anointed comedic royalty (grandiose narcissists) insisted they tell the “good” jokes.
Their friends, obviously, are stuck in slapstick reruns—aggressive or self-defeating, never subtle, always tasteless.
Meanwhile, the vulnerable types see their friends as the Oscar Wilde of the group and themselves as the punchline on amateur night.
This isn’t humility, it’s insecurity masquerading as flattery.
Narcissistic Distortion Beyond Humor: More Evidence
It’s not just jokes that get filtered through the narcissistic lens.
In romance, for instance, narcissists are quick to spot flaws—especially in others (Wurst et al., 2017). Friends often recognize serial devaluation, if only because every gathering becomes a competition.
Grandiose types think they belong atop the social pyramid. Research (Carlson, 2016) shows their only failing is the world’s inability to recognize their wit.
Vulnerable narcissists, meanwhile, can’t help but declare themselves unworthy and the rest of us divine.
The Role of Cultural and Age Differences
Altmann and Sauls’ work splits the world into Germans (deliberate, over 30, existentially caffeinated) and American college students (still waking up).
Remarkably, Germans see more “mirroring” effects than Americans, who presumably are too busy Snapchatting.
Cultural values, per Hofstede (2001), shape which jokes are funny, who dominates conversation, and whose insecurities get the biggest laugh.
Age, too; older adults choose friends rather than inheriting them from homeroom.
Gender Dynamics in Narcissism and Humor
To reduce messiness—rare in friendship studies—Altmann and Sauls only studied same-sex besties.
This controls for the familiar, “men are from Mars, women are busy” conundrum.
Studies show men weaponize humor more frequently (Jonason et al., 2017).
Female narcissists, meanwhile, have raised passive aggression to a competitive sport.
The Dark Side of Humor: Risks of Maladaptive Styles
Aggressive and self-defeating humor can ruin more than a dinner party; they corrode relationships.
Folks who weaponize jokes tend to dine alone (Kuiper et al., 2004).
Those who self-deprecate excessively do so for laughs and, it turns out, evidence higher rates of depression.
In narcissistic friendships, the fallout tracks predictably. Grandiose narcissists exile others with one-liners; vulnerable types with self-pity. It’s a wonder anyone’s still speaking.
Humor, Personality, and Trust
Real friendship requires trust—which is about as sturdy as a plastic cup if humor goes wrong.
Affiliate humor builds bridges; aggressive humor burns them. If someone can’t tell the difference, you’re not just mismatched, you’re on separate continents (Cann & Matson, 2014).
Narcissism, the Internet, and Modern Friendships
Enter the internet, where grandiose narcissists have finally found the stage and the lighting they deserve.
Research (Buffardi & Campbell, 2008) finds them maximizing “likes” with curated highlight reels, jokes sharpened to viral points, and all humility neatly airbrushed.
Vulnerable narcissists flock online too, but tend to find only new forms of loneliness (Casale & Banchi, 2020).
Naturally, the internet amplifies both the need for admiration and the sting of rejection.
Technology’s Influence on Humor and Narcissism
Online, sarcasm travels about as well as a snowman to Miami and is understood just as rarely.
Grandiose types double down, mistaking silence for awe.
Vulnerable types slink away, certain their GIFs weren’t appreciated. Everyone else unfollows in despair.
Navigating Extreme Personalities in Everyday Life
If you realize either you or your friends have more narcissistic tendencies than usual, congratulations—you’re one step ahead of most people.
The rest can be found arguing on Twitter. Developing empathy, therapy, and a functional sense of humor are strongly recommended (Kealy & Ogrodniczuk, 2014).
Strategies for Healthier Friendships:
Practice open communication: Something surprisingly rare, considering we all have phones.
Set healthy boundaries: Otherwise, you'll find yourself the unwitting straight man in someone else’s tragic-comedy.
Cultivate empathy: Not the Instagram hashtag kind, the old-fashioned kind.
Encourage self-reflection: If you’re always the hero (or the victim), ask why.
The Role of Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is so rare it should be preserved under glass.
Still, Morf and Rhodewalt (2001) claim that realization can shift narcissists—for the better. If only more people read psychology studies.
Friendships survive hurricanes, recessions, and poorly-chosen jokes. The more you understand narcissism’s starring role, the better equipped you’ll be. At minimum, you’ll know when to laugh, and when to politely excuse yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What is the difference between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism?
Grandiose narcissists know they’re special; vulnerable narcissists are worried you didn’t notice.
How do narcissistic traits affect friendships?
In short, by turning every lunch into a low-budget reboot of Mean Girls.
Can narcissists maintain long-lasting friendships?
Only if you count frenemies, acquaintances, or an audience.
Why does humor play such a big role in these studies?
Because, like politics and Thanksgiving dinner, humor reveals what people are really made of.
Can people change their humor style or perception of their friends over time?
With therapy, miracles can happen—just don’t expect stand-up awards.
Do culture or age affect how narcissism shapes friendships and humor?
Are you funnier at 40 than at 20? If so, probably.
What are some practical steps for improving friendships affected by narcissistic dynamics?
Try honesty, boundaries, and the occasional new friend.
What This Means for Our Relationships
The moral of this story?
The person you think is your comedy twin may actually be auditioning for a different show.
Our perceptions of friends are better at revealing our anxieties than our compatibility.
For the narcissistically inclined, every relationship is a “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…” situation—with the usual, less-than-fairytale results.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
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