How to Survive a Passive-Aggressive Mother-in-Law Without Losing Your Mind, Your Marriage, or Your Sunday Afternoon
Friday, February 23, 2024. This is for LM. Revised and updated Wednesday, January 28, 2026.
I have a lovely client.
Her name is Laura.
Laura is kind, reflective, emotionally literate, and—tragically—married into a family where passive aggression is considered a legitimate communication style.
Her mother-in-law, Abigail, does not say what she means.
She implies, sighs, forgets, “just wonders aloud,” and occasionally offers help no one asked for, followed by a look that suggests moral failure.
Laura asked me what to do.
Here’s what I told her.
And yes, this is grounded in John Gottman’s research—but translated into language that works at Thanksgiving.
Step One: Recognize the Emotion Without Rewarding the Behavior
John Gottman’s work on emotional intelligence and attunement makes one thing very clear: most relational misbehavior is powered by unmet emotional needs, not malice.
Passive aggression is no exception.
Under the sighs and sideways comments, Abigail is likely carrying some familiar feelings:
Resentment.
Insecurity.
Fear of direct conflict.
Loss of status.
A creeping suspicion that no one is asking her opinion anymore.
Here’s the crucial distinction Laura had to learn:
You can validate a feeling without validating the tactic.
This sounds like:
“It seems like you felt left out.”
“I can hear that this was disappointing for you.”
It does not sound like:
“You’re right, we’re terrible.”
“I guess we should rearrange our lives so you feel better.”
Gottman’s research consistently shows that empathy builds connection—but only when it doesn’t collapse your boundaries. Emotional validation is not a blank check. It’s a mirror, not a surrender.
Step Two: Communicate Clearly, Calmly, and Without Performing for the Jury
Gottman’s research on effective communication emphasizes something deeply underappreciated:
Clarity is kindness. Vagueness is how resentment grows legs.
When addressing passive-aggressive behavior, Laura learned to use plain, adult language, preferably without sarcasm (tempting, but inflammatory).
This means:
Using I statements.
Naming the behavior.
Stating the impact.
Not prosecuting the past.
Example:
“When plans change without being discussed, I feel frustrated. I’d like us to talk directly next time.”
Notice what’s missing:
Accusations.
Psychological diagnoses.
A closing argument.
And here’s the non-negotiable part Gottman would quietly but firmly agree with:
Laura’s spouse—not Laura—had to take point with his mother.
Marriages deteriorate not because in-laws are difficult, but because partners fail to act as a protective buffer. United front beats perfect phrasing every time.
Step Three: Set Boundaries. Do Not Be Squishy. Squishy Is a Trap.
Gottman’s research on trust and stability makes one thing painfully obvious:
People feel safest when limits are predictable.
Boundaries are not punishments.
They are instructions for how to stay in relationship.
For Laura, this meant:
Limiting certain topics.
Structuring visits.
Ending conversations that slid into martyrdom.
Repeating herself calmly, without escalating.
A boundary sounds like:
“We’re not discussing parenting choices.”
“If the conversation turns critical, we’re going to take a break.”
Then—and this part is vital—you follow through.
Not angrily.
Not theatrically.
Just… reliably.
Passive-aggressive people often escalate when boundaries appear. This is not a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s a sign the old system is being retired.
Step Four: Solve What’s Solvable. Stop Trying to Cure Her Personality.
Gottman’s conflict research draws a sharp line between:
Solvable problems.
Perpetual problems.
Your passive-aggressive mother-in-law is almost certainly a perpetual problem.
This means:
You manage it.
You contain it.
You stop trying to win it.
Laura shifted from asking:
“How do we make her stop?”
To:
“How do we keep this from running our marriage?”
That shift saved her years.
Focus on logistics, expectations, and containment—not emotional transformation.
You are not her therapist. You are not her re-parent. You are just a participant in a system that needs guardrails.
Step Five: Get Support—Because This Is Exactly What Couples Therapy Is For
Gottman-informed couples therapy exists for moments like this: when the problem isn’t technically solvable, but mismanagement will erode intimacy over time.
A good Marriage and Family Therapist helps couples:
Align as a team.
Reduce triangulation.
Strengthen boundaries.
Preserve desire and goodwill.
Frankly, a passive-aggressive mother-in-law is an excellent therapy topic because:
Probably no one is “crazy.”
Everyone is activated.
The stakes are real.
The patterns are visible.
Yes—this is an unsolvable problem.
That’s why it belongs in therapy.
Step Six: Practice Self-Care Like This Is a Contact Sport (Because It Is)
Gottman’s work repeatedly emphasizes emotional regulation and resilience. Translation: this will wear you down if you don’t tend to yourself.
Laura needed:
Time away from the system.
Allies who affirmed reality.
Activities that restored her nervous system.
Moments where Abigail was not the main character.
Some self-care you do together:
Walks.
Humor.
Rituals that remind you why you chose each other.
Some you do alone:
Exercise.
Journaling.
Reading.
Individual therapy.
You may not be able to eliminate your mother-in-law’s behavior.
But you can refuse to let it colonize your inner life.
Try, you must.
Therapist’s Note (A Gentle but Direct One)
If your relationship is quietly bending around an in-law problem no one wants to name, that bend will eventually become a break.
You don’t need better manners.
You need clearer structure.
This is exactly the work I do with couples—helping you stay kind without disappearing, and united without escalating.
Reach out when you’re ready.
Final Thoughts
A passive-aggressive mother-in-law is not a personal failure.
She is a systems problem with excellent timing.
Be well.
Stay kind.
Hold your boundaries.
And Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the Love Lab about what women really want. Rodale Books.
