Why did regretful parents have kiddos in the first place anyway?
Saturday, October 28, 2023.
What do parents describe as their greatest regret in a decision to have children? What motivated regretful parents to to have kiddos in the first place?
Around 7% or so of parents in the good old USA admit that they regret their decision to make little creatures.
Research tells us that the population of regretful parents is even higher in Europe, for example: Germany has 8%, and Poland, as many as 14% of parents regret having children.
So, why did these regretful, perhaps resentful parents to decide to have kiddos in the first place?
Research explains that it’s our old friend, ‘FOMO’: the Fear Of Missing Out.
Researchers analyzed posts written by regretful parents to a an online discussion board at /r/childfree.
It is a massive discussion board comprised of 1.5 million child-free humans talking primarily about their profound distaste for little creatures, and for the social pressure to make them.
The discussion board also permits regretful parents to submit post about their experience. This was the Meat and Taters of Kiddo Creation Regret that the researchers zoomed in on!
Not the way we’re supposed to do parenting… is it?
Let’s not kid ourselves. You don’t need to be a fu*king therapist to recognize what is problematic about this.
Social norms of the past, tended to promote a more agape-laden conventional view. That is to say, the familiar, and comfortable notion that parents are supposed to love their children from conception and beyond.. perhaps to infinity— not wish they had never been fu*king born.
That is why the testimonies of regretful parents provide a fascinating insight into their motivations.
The Demon named FOMO…
Fear of missing out emerged as a prime motivator, said Dr. Kristina M. Scharp, study co-author:
“Why do you really want to have a child? What are your motivations?
In the context of what it means to be a parent, FOMO could be a valuable consideration.”
Using discourse analysis, the researchers found that regretful parents talked about their parenting under three themes:
Parenting as Heaven.
Parenting as Hell.
and Parenting as (the only) Appropriate Choice.
Fear of missing out was threaded through the above themes. Ideas related to these themes, along with the fear of missing out, were what drove formerly childless people to their decision.
Often regretful parents had heard how wonderful parenting was for others and did not want to miss out on the experience.
Little Creatures
A woman made a man
And a man, he made a house
And when they lay together
Little creatures all come out
For I've seen sex and I think it's alright
It makes those little creatures come to life
But I can laugh or I can turn away
But I've seen sex and I think it's okay, its okay
We are creatures, creatures of love
We are creatures, creatures of love
From the sleep of reason, a life is born
We are creatures of love, we are creatures of love
It's okay to be afraid
When the blue spark hits your brain
No, you can love one another
I've been told that it's okay
So doctor, doctor, tell me what I am
Am I one of those human beings?
But I can laugh or I can learn to think
So help me now to find out what to feel
Help me now, we are creatures, creatures of love
We are creatures, creatures of love
We've been here forever, before you were born
We are creatures of love, we are creatures of love
A man can drive a car
And a woman can be a boss
And a monkey and a flower
I'm everything at once
Well, a woman and a man can be together
If they decide to, they'll make little creatures
Watch 'em now, little creature of love
With two arms and two legs
From a moment of passion
Now they cover the bed
Little creatures of love, we are creatures of love
We are creatures, creatures of love
We are creatures, creatures of love
From the sleep of reason, a life is born
We are creatures of love, we are creatures of love
We are creatures of love, we are creatures of love
David Byrne.
We are creatures of love…but parenting totally sucks according to some humans…
Fu*k FOMO. Becoming a parent was a shock to one human who wrote on the discussion board:
“[Parenting] totally sucks.
Life has been 100% worse and I wish I could drop this kid off at the fire house or police station.
Let me tell you that you’re definitely not missing out.”
Another human was motivated to have little creatures by expecting to be feel pangs of regret if she failed to have one:
“I don’t know why I thought I would regret NOT becoming a mother, because I endlessly regret becoming one.”
One regretful human described a heavy anhedonia that seemed to smother any present moment joy with the little creature….these regretful parents occasionally mused on the fleeting pleasures of parenthood:
“I’m not going to lie, as I held my daughter, I felt that amazing feeling of the miracle of parenthood.
Then roughly 5 minutes passed, and it was gone.”
Another wrote of the monumental effort involved:
“They’re hard work.
They take all your money and time and energy…even if you love them, you’ll always resent them.
And you’ll have no one to talk to about it because everyone would look down on you.”
Another unhappy human parent alluded to the impact of having kiddos on his marital satisfaction:
“What was I unprepared for?
Losing a good deal of my wife.
Before our daughter was born, we were the most important people to each other.
Enter child…our daughter was now the most important person.”
Social norms can be tyrannical. Dr Sharp elaborated :
“Because of social norms, anyone who doesn’t subscribe to dominant views on parenting gets marginalized or stigmatized.
Sometimes social norms are good.
We know it’s wrong to steal.
But sometimes social norms have unintended consequences and punish people for their choices — including people who want to be child-free.”
Final Thoughts…
I beg to differ. Stigma is not garden variety asshole behavior. Stigma serves a social purpose. As the growing awareness that we need more babies becomes mainstream, the private will once again become public, pedantic and political.
We’re on a road to nowhere… Perhaps in a century we’ll be gone.. because.. well, it was just… too hard to care enough to endure, persist, and remain…
But persist we must, if the human experiment is to continue.
Live strong, Stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Hintz, E. A., & Scharp, K. M. (2023). “I hate all the children, especially mine”: Applying relational dialectics theory to examine the experiences of formerly childfree regretful parents. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231194363
