Why do cheaters downgrade? Here are 5 reasons…
Tuesday, February 13, 2024. This is for DG, who still abides.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I often need to grasp why my client, who engaged in infidelity, sought out less satisfying relationships, commonly known as downgrading, cheating down, affairing down, or, most cruelly, slumming.
It's essential to recognize that each case is unique, and motivations can vary widely among individuals. However, several common themes emerge from my clinical observations and research.
Guilt and Self-Worth: One significant factor is the profound emotional aftermath of infidelity.
Research suggests that humans who have cheated often experience feelings of guilt, shame, and diminished self-worth (Hall & Fincham, 2006).
It’s been my experience that some men after being found out, are so oppressed with toxic shame that they are emotionally paralyzed.
These emotions can lead these humans to believe that they don't deserve a fulfilling relationship or are incapable of ever maintaining one once again. They feel shamed and unlovable.
As a result, these folks may eventually seek out new relationships that they perceive as less demanding or less likely to expose their shame-laden shortcomings.
Avoidance of Responsibility: Another factor is the desire to avoid confronting the consequences of their actions. Ending a relationship or facing the fallout from infidelity can be emotionally challenging and requires taking responsibility for their behavior.
Downgrading to a less fulfilling relationship may be a way for humans to sidestep these difficult conversations and the need for self-reflection and self-confrontation.
Fear of Intimacy: Humans who have cheated may have an ongoing struggle with intimacy issues, including fear of vulnerability and emotional closeness.
Research suggests that infidelity can be associated with attachment insecurities and difficulty forming deep emotional connections (Brennan et al., 1998).
For these humans, downgrading to a less intimate relationship may feel safer and more comfortable for those afraid of being emotionally exposed or rejected. These are the intimacy-avoidant humans often wounded in their families of origin.
Pattern of Behavior: Infidelity can become a pattern of behavior for some folks, driven by underlying psychological factors such as narcissism, impulsivity, or unresolved childhood trauma (Thompson & O'Sullivan, 2016).
These individuals may have a history of seeking new relationships to fulfill their emotional needs, only to find themselves repeating the same destructive patterns.
Downgrading may be part of this cycle of seeking temporary relief from emotional distress without addressing the underlying issues emerging from a disordered personality. These folks are the wrong partners, period.
Lack of Commitment: Some humans may downgrade to avoid committing to a long-term, fulfilling relationship without being horny and lonely.
They may fear the responsibilities and sacrifices of maintaining a committed partnership and prefer less serious relationships' relative freedom and flexibility.
Final thoughts
It's essential for therapists working with clients who have engaged in infidelity to approach each case with empathy, understanding, and a non-judgmental attitude. But at some point, the clash between humans and their values must be confronted head-on.
Exploring the underlying motivations and emotions driving the behavior can help humans gain insight into their actions and decide whether they have the stamina, endurance, and integrity for an intimate relationship.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Hall JH, Fincham FD. Psychological distress: precursor or consequence of dating infidelity? Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2009 Feb;35(2):143-59. doi: 10.1177/0146167208327189. Epub 2008 Dec 5. PMID: 19060221.
Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report measurement of adult attachment: An integrative overview. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and close relationships (pp. 46–76). The Guilford Press.
Russell VM, Baker LR, McNulty JK. Attachment insecurity and infidelity in marriage: do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? J Fam Psychol. 2013 Apr;27(2):242-51. doi: 10.1037/a0032118. PMID: 23544923; PMCID: PMC3648986.
