What you get when you marry an affair partner…

Tuesday, February 13, 2024.

Infidelity within relationships is a profoundly complex and emotionally charged topic that often leads to significant turmoil and upheaval within marriages and families.

I've encountered numerous couples grappling with the aftermath of infidelity in my clinical practice, including the decision to marry an affair partner. This contentious choice has emotional, psychological, and relational consequences that merit careful consideration.

Research sheds light on the multifaceted implications of marrying one's affair partner. While individual experiences vary widely, 5 common themes and findings provide insight into this challenging situation…

What you get when you marry an affair partner…

• Trust Issues and Relationship Insecurity: Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, yet infidelity fractures this foundation irreparably.

  Studies have shown that marriages born out of affairs often struggle with trust issues as both partners grapple with doubts about the fidelity and commitment of their spouse.

  According to a study by Vaughn and Edelson (1990), What you get when you marry an affair partner may involve higher levels of insecurity and jealousy compared to couples who were not entangled in infidelity.

• Emotional Baggage and Guilt: Marrying one's affair partner often comes with a heavy burden of guilt and emotional baggage.

  Research by Thompson, Holmes, and Johnson (2013) highlights the lingering guilt and shame experienced by humans who engage in infidelity and deceit may impact their ability to trust and commit to their new spouse fully.

• Additionally, the emotional fallout from betraying a previous partner can manifest as resentment, self-doubt, and internal conflict within the new relationship.

• Relational Challenges and Communication Breakdowns: Navigating the transition from an extramarital affair to a legitimate marriage is fraught with relational challenges and communication breakdowns.

  Pittman (1989) emphasized the importance of open and honest communication in rebuilding trust and intimacy.

  And yet, couples who marry their affair partners often struggle to communicate their needs, fears, and expectations effectively.

  This lack of communication can perpetuate insecurity and resentment, fueling further relational discord. What you get when you marry an affair partner is discovering that relational trust is often impeded from the get-go.

• Social Stigma and Judgment: What do you get when you marry an affair partner?

  Expect a degree of social stigma and judgment from family, friends, and society. My clients often report this factor as a force multiplier of stress.

  Research by Glass and Wright (1992) suggests that individuals who engage in extramarital affairs often face ostracism and condemnation from their social network, which can exacerbate feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation.

  This external pressure can strain the marital relationship and hinder the couple's ability to establish a sense of stability and acceptance.

• Long-Term Stability and Satisfaction: Some couples who marry their affair partners can achieve long-term stability and satisfaction despite the inherent challenges.

  Research by Allen, Atkins, Baucom, and Snyder (2005) suggests that couples who undergo intensive therapy and commit to rebuilding trust and intimacy can overcome the odds and forge a fulfilling partnership.

  However, this journey requires a deep commitment to personal growth, self-awareness, and mutual respect.

Final thoughts…

The decision to marry your affair partner is a deeply personal and complex choice that carries significant emotional, psychological, and relational consequences. When you marry an affair partner… you get a decidedly mixed blessing.

While some couples can overcome the challenges and build a solid and lasting relationship, many struggle with trust issues, emotional baggage, and communication breakdowns.

We in the Community of Couples Therapy Practice can provide compassionate support, guidance, and therapeutic interventions to help these couples navigate this tumultuous yet intentional journey with honesty, integrity, and resilience.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

• Allen, E. S., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2005). Intrapersonal, interpersonal, and contextual factors in engaging in and responding to extramarital involvement. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 12(2), 101-130.

• Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Marriage and Family, 54(3), 639-648.

• Pittman, F. S. (1989). Private lies: Infidelity and betrayal of intimacy. WW Norton & Company.

• Thompson, A. E., Holmes, J. G., & Johnson, S. L. (2013). The role of the dark side of attachment in the process of romantic betrayal. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(8), 1054-1073.

• Vaughn, K., & Edelson, R. J. (1990). Relationship functioning and the prediction of romantic alternatives. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 7(1), 55-66.