When Two Narcissists Fall in Love: a match made in mirror heaven

Sunday, July 21, 2024.

Imagine a world where mirrors are worshipped, selfies are a form of currency, and admiration is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Now, step into the realm of romance between two narcissists.

Yes, it's a thing, and it's as fascinating as it is complex.

As a couples therapist, I've seen the dizzying highs and tumultuous lows of such relationships. Let's dive into this dazzling dance of love, ego, and self-adoration.

The Spark: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

When two narcissists meet, it's like fireworks on the Fourth of July. They're both drawn to each other's confidence, charm, and grandiosity.

It's not just about physical attraction; it's about finding someone who mirrors their own inflated sense of self.

Research by Campbell and Foster (2002) highlights that narcissists are often attracted to partners who reflect their own positive self-image. In my practice, I've seen this initial spark create a powerful, almost magnetic attraction.

Love Bombing: The Ultimate Ego Boost

In the initial stages, the relationship is a whirlwind of flattery, grand gestures, and mutual admiration. Both partners engage in "love bombing," a technique where they shower each other with excessive attention and affection.

This phase is intoxicating because, let's face it, who doesn't love being adored?

However, it's important to note that love bombing is a tactic often used by narcissists to gain control and validation (Carter, 2016). I've observed couples where this initial phase creates a seemingly unbreakable bond, only for the reality to set in later.

The Power Struggle: Who's the Fairest of Them All?

As the relationship progresses, the initial harmony can give way to a power struggle. Both narcissists crave admiration and dominance, leading to conflicts over who gets the spotlight. Imagine two peacocks trying to out-preen each other.

The need for validation becomes a tug-of-war, with each partner striving to be the center of attention. This dynamic can create a volatile and competitive environment (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).

In therapy, I've had to help such couples navigate these power struggles, often focusing on building mutual respect and understanding.

Idealization and Devaluation: The Roller Coaster Ride

Narcissistic relationships often follow a pattern of idealization and devaluation. In the idealization phase, both partners see each other as perfect. But as the honeymoon period fades, their flaws become more apparent. The devaluation phase kicks in, where each partner criticizes and belittles the other to maintain their own superiority.

This roller coaster of emotions can be exhausting and damaging (Kernberg, 1975). I've witnessed how this cycle can erode trust and intimacy, making it challenging for couples to maintain a healthy connection.

The Drama: A Never-Ending Soap Opera

Drama is a staple in narcissistic relationships. The constant need for excitement and validation leads to frequent conflicts, breakups, and reconciliations. It's like living in a soap opera where the plot twists never end.

This drama cycle can be addictive, as each partner thrives on the intensity of the emotions (Ronningstam, 2016). In therapy, I often work with couples to break this cycle, encouraging them to find stability and calm amidst the chaos.

Mutual Admiration Society: When it Works

Surprisingly, some narcissistic couples manage to make it work.

They form a "mutual admiration society" where they continuously boost each other's egos. This symbiotic relationship can be stable as long as both partners provide the narcissistic supply the other craves.

It's a delicate balance, but when achieved, it can create a unique bond based on mutual reinforcement (Foster & Campbell, 2005). I've seen this dynamic work, but it requires ongoing effort and self-awareness from both partners.

Final thoughts

When two narcissists fall in love, it's a fascinating blend of admiration, competition, and drama.

Their relationship is like a mirror maze, reflecting their own grandiosity while navigating the complexities of mutual egoism. While challenging, it's not impossible for such relationships to thrive if both partners understand and manage their narcissistic tendencies.

As a couples therapist, I try to help these couples find balance, respect, and genuine connection amidst the maze of mirrors.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2002). Narcissism and commitment in romantic relationships: An investment model analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(4), 484-495.

Carter, S. (2016). Gaslighting: Recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people—and break free. Adams Media.

Foster, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2005). The stability of self-esteem: A longitudinal study of a trait and its correlates. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88(1), 79-92.

Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Jason Aronson.

Ronningstam, E. (2016). Identifying and understanding the narcissistic personality. Oxford University Press.

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Free Press.