What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session (A Therapist Explains)
Saturday, September 6, 2025.
So you’ve booked your first couples therapy session.
Congratulations—you’ve just done one of the bravest and most grown-up things a couple can do (right up there with signing a joint Costco membership).
Now, of course, you’re panicking.
What actually happens when you walk into that office—or click that Zoom link? Will it be like marriage court with a referee in sensible shoes?
Will the therapist crown a winner? probably not.
Couples therapy isn’t a punishment. It’s more like a lab. A slightly awkward lab where the experiment is your relationship, and the scientist is taking notes on how you argue about loading the dishwasher.
Why Couples Feel Nervous About Starting Therapy
If you feel like you’re about to be called to the principal’s office, welcome.
Most couples walk in with equal parts dread and hope. Research shows couples wait an average of over six years before seeking help (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Six years! That’s enough time to develop not just bad habits but artisanal, hand-crafted resentments. No wonder people show up nervous.
The good news? That jittery feeling means you care enough to be here. Anxiety is often just a feeling of personal investment in disguise.
The Therapist’s Role (Spoiler: Not Judge Judy)
Here’s what your therapist won’t do:
Take sides.
Declare one of you “the problem.”
Hold up scorecards after each fight.
Think of your therapist more as sort of a wilderness guide.
They’ve seen these paths before, they know where couples tend to fall into the same ditch, and their job is to keep both of you upright. Sometimes that means teaching you how to fight fair. Sometimes it means spotting relationship red flags before they become a tragic and unnecessary lifestyle.
What Actually Happens in the First Session
Intake & Background
You’ll be answering practical questions: history, stressors, what brought you in.Each Partner’s Voice
Both of you speak. Ideally not over each other. That’s the therapists job; to support a structure and cadence to the work.Setting Goals
Together, you’ll sketch out what you want: fewer fights, more trust, maybe rediscovering the fun that’s been missing since 2017. We will be identifying preferences and preferred outcomes.Next Steps
The therapist outlines the plan—frequency, tools, what progress might look like based on what you are asking for. We will always be discussing your preferences.
And if your therapist uses science-based methods, those goals won’t be dreamy abstractions. They’ll be grounded in actual research on what makes love work—and what quietly kills it.
Inside the Gottman Method: The First 5 Hours
If you’ve chosen a Gottman-trained therapist, you’ll notice the structure immediately. The first five hours aren’t coffee-talk; they’re a research-based diagnostic of your relationship.
Joint Session (90 minutes)
Both of you together, sketching the broad history and what’s not working.Individual Sessions (45–60 minutes each)
Each partner meets privately with the therapist. Think of it as couples therapy with a mute button.Assessment Tools
Standardized questionnaires like the Gottman Relationship Checkup map strengths and weak spots (Gottman, Gottman, & Atkins, 2021).Feedback Session (90 minutes)
The therapist integrates everything and hands you a blueprint: where you shine, where you struggle, and how therapy will target it.
This isn’t arbitrary. Gottman’s decades of research showed that certain behaviors—contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—predict divorce with unnerving accuracy (Gottman, 1999). The assessment is designed to catch those patterns before they calcify.
Myths About the First Session
“We’ll have to spill every secret immediately.” Wrong. You set the pace.
“The therapist will side with whoever cries first.” Not a thing. Tears are welcome, but not currency.
“We’ll walk out fixed.” Therapy is not a drive-thru. The first session is about drawing the blueprints, not building the house.
If you’re already worried your partner is only half-in, you might want to read more on what happens when one partner isn’t invested.
How to Prepare Without Over-Preparing
Reflect on your hopes. What would “better” look like?
Pick one starting point. Don’t try to relitigate every fight since your honeymoon.
Schedule wisely. Maybe not right before a tax audit or your kid’s soccer playoffs.
And if you want to know whether your body already knows the answer, see five nervous system signs it’s time to pay attention.
What You’ll Walk Away With
Most couples leave the first session—or the first round of a Gottman assessment—with:
Relief that they finally started.
A sense of how therapy will unfold.
Reassurance that their problems, while painful, are not unique—and therefore, fixable.
It won’t solve everything. But it will give you the sense that the work has begun, and that’s often half the battle.
FAQs About Your First Couples Therapy Session
Do both partners get equal time?
Yes. The therapist makes sure of it.
How long does it last?
Usually 50–90 minutes, unless you’re doing a Gottman assessment, which tends to run longer.
What if one partner doesn’t want to be there?
That’s common. Resistance usually softens once people realize the room isn’t about blame.
The Bottom Line
The first couples therapy session isn’t a trial. It’s an act of commitment to your relationship. Most couples who take this step wish they’d done it sooner.
If you’re ready to swap uncertainty for clarity, I can help with that.
The first step is often the hardest—but it’s also the most impactful.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., & Atkins, D. C. (2021). Relationship assessment in couples therapy: The development and validation of the Gottman Relationship Checkup. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(1), 8–26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12434