Healing from narcissistic abuse: a journey Through 8 common behaviors

Wednesday, June 19, 2024.

As a couples therapist, I have had the privilege of guiding many folks and couples through the rocky terrain of recovering from narcissistic abuse.

It's a journey as unique as the humans embarking on it, yet certain behaviors often emerge as common coping mechanisms.

Understanding these behaviors is crucial for healing and growth.

Today, let's explore 8 such behaviors with a touch of humor, a lot of compassion, and wisdom from thought leaders in narcissism.

Hypervigilance

Ah, hypervigilance. The uncanny ability to detect a pin drop from a mile away. This heightened state of alertness is a survival tactic, a residue from constantly walking on eggshells around a narcissistic abuser. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a renowned expert on narcissism, explains, "Hypervigilance keeps you in a state of readiness for the next blow, whether it's emotional or physical."

While hypervigilance can make one an excellent detective or even a successful spy, it's exhausting and detrimental in everyday life. It's about learning to let the guard down, ever so slowly, and trusting that not everyone is out to get you. Easier said than done, but step by step, it's possible.

People-Pleasing

People-pleasers, stand up! Oh wait, you probably already are, fetching coffee or doing someone else's work.

People-pleasing stems from the desperate need for approval, a hallmark of surviving narcissistic relationships. "Narcissists teach you that your worth is contingent upon their approval," says author Shahida Arabi.

The challenge here is to start valuing your own approval above all else. It's a journey to learn that it's okay to say no, to prioritize your own needs, and to recognize that you are enough, just as you are.

Self-Isolation

After enduring narcissistic abuse, self-isolation can feel like the safest haven. Why risk another soul-crushing experience? However, self-isolation can lead to loneliness and depression. "Narcissistic abuse survivors often isolate themselves to protect from further harm, but this also prevents them from receiving the support they need," notes therapist Julie L. Hall.

Breaking free from self-isolation involves small steps—reconnecting with old friends, joining support groups, or simply starting a conversation with a neighbor. It's about finding safe connections that nourish rather than drain.

Excessive Apologizing

“Sorry for existing!” If this is your mantra, you might be an excessive apologizer. Narcissistic abusers often make their victims feel as though everything is their fault. “Survivors of narcissistic abuse apologize for things that aren’t their responsibility as a way of avoiding further abuse,” says therapist Andrea Schneider.

The path to recovery here involves recognizing your worth and understanding that not everything is your fault. Practice saying "thank you" instead of "sorry" when an apology isn't warranted.

Difficulty Making Decisions

Decision-making after narcissistic abuse can feel like navigating a minefield. “Victims of narcissistic abuse often doubt their own judgment because their reality was constantly invalidated,” explains Dr. Ramani Durvasula.

To rebuild this trust in oneself, start with small decisions. Celebrate each choice you make independently, and gradually tackle bigger ones. It's about reclaiming confidence in your own judgment and abilities.

Obsessing Over Personal Relationships

Post-narcissistic abuse, it’s common to obsess over the dynamics of personal relationships, scrutinizing every word and action. "Narcissists make their victims hyper-aware of relational nuances to maintain control," says author Lindsey Ellison.

While it's important to be mindful in relationships, allowing them to flow naturally is equally important. Trust that healthy relationships won't require the same level of scrutiny and anxiety.

Resilience

Here comes the silver lining—resilience. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often emerge with a strength they never knew they had. "The adversity of narcissistic abuse often forges a resilience that is both profound and enduring," says Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism.

Celebrate your resilience. It’s a testament to your strength and capacity to overcome, and it will be a cornerstone in building a healthier, happier future.

Empathy

Interestingly, survivors of narcissistic abuse often possess a deep well of empathy. “Empathy is a double-edged sword in the context of narcissistic abuse,” notes Dr. Malkin. While it can make one a target for narcissists, it is also a powerful tool for healing and connecting with others.

Embrace your empathy, but learn to set boundaries. Empathy should empower, not enmesh.

Special challenges for those raised by narcissists

For those who were raised by narcissists, the challenges can be even more deeply ingrained. The foundational years of identity formation were marked by manipulation and control, making the path to recovery more complex. "Children of narcissists often struggle with chronic self-doubt and a skewed sense of self," says therapist Karyl McBride. Children of narcissists deserve blog posts just for themselves, and I have been writing about them, and will continue to do so.

The journey for these folks involves reparenting themselves—learning to give them the love, validation, and acceptance they never received. Therapy can be particularly beneficial, providing a space to unpack and heal from the wounds of childhood.

Final thoughts

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and, often, professional support. By understanding these common behaviors and working through them, survivors can rebuild their lives and thrive. As they say, “Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life.” So, here's to taking back control, one step at a time.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.