Schopenhauer-Inspired Couples Therapy: Where Narcissism Meets Bleak Realism
Thursday, January 16, 2025.
Welcome to Schopenhauer Couples Therapy, where the motto is: "Love is an illusion, suffering is inevitable, and you’re probably both to blame."
It’s not exactly romantic, but hey, it’s honest.
Schopenhauer, the original philosopher of doom and gloom, might not have been the life of the party, but he’d sure have some pointed insights about the toxic tango of narcissism in relationships.
Let’s dive into how a therapy session with ol’ Arthur might go down—if you don’t cry or storm out first.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788–1860) was a German philosopher best known for his profound exploration of human will, suffering, and the nature of reality.
Often described as a pessimist, Schopenhauer built upon the works of Kant and Eastern philosophies, particularly Hinduism and Buddhism, to craft a worldview centered on the idea that the "will to live" drives all existence.
This blind, insatiable force, according to Schopenhauer, is the root of human suffering, as our desires perpetuate endless striving and dissatisfaction.
His magnum opus, The World as Will and Representation (1818), argues that reality is divided into two aspects: the world as we perceive it (representation) and the underlying, irrational will that animates it. Schopenhauer’s philosophy resonates deeply in art, ethics, and psychology, influencing thinkers like Nietzsche, Freud, and Wagner.
Despite his bleak outlook, Schopenhauer found solace in aesthetics, suggesting that art and music offer temporary reprieve from the torment of the will. His unique blend of metaphysics, existential inquiry, and cultural critique continues to challenge and inspire modern thought.
Love Is Just Nature Playing a Cruel Joke on You
Schopenhauer believed that love is nothing more than nature’s sneaky way of tricking you into procreating. He would agree with Gibran’s assessment that your children are the sons and daughters of life longing for itself.
If you thought your soulmate was here to complete you, think again—they’re just a co-conspirator in nature’s baby-making scheme. Narcissism fits right into this, because let’s face it, most people are more in love with the idea of being adored than with their actual partner.
Therapeutic Question:
Do you really love them, or do you just love how they make you feel about yourself? Be honest. Schopenhauer would know if you’re lying.
Schopenhauer’s advice? Get over your romantic delusions. You’re both selfish little pawns of biology, so maybe start with that as a foundation for your marriage.
Narcissistic Relationships: Two Egos Enter, No One Wins
If your relationship feels like a gladiator match where both of you are battling for the spotlight, congratulations—you’re living Schopenhauer’s vision of human nature. Narcissism is essentially the belief that the world revolves around you, which makes being in a relationship more like a territorial dispute than a partnership.
Therapeutic Challenge:
Who gets the bigger share of the emotional pie in this relationship? And don’t say ‘we both do’ unless you want Arthur to roll his eyes from the afterlife.
In Schopenhauer therapy, you’d explore how your "I need validation" energy clashes with your partner’s "but I need more validation" energy. No one wins this tug-of-war, but at least you’ll both look ridiculous pulling on the same rope.
Conflict Is Inevitable, So Stop Acting Shocked
Schopenhauer would gleefully remind you that life is suffering, and love is no exception. The cycle of narcissistic relationships—idealization, disappointment, rage—wouldn’t surprise him one bit. In fact, he’d probably call it Tuesday.
Therapeutic Insight:
Your fights are not unique. Everyone’s love story is just ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ but with fewer poetic deaths and more passive-aggressive texts.
Instead of asking “Why is this happening to us?”, Schopenhauer would suggest a better question: “Why did you think you’d be immune to the human condition?”
The Mirror Stage: Narcissism’s Funhouse Effect
Schopenhauer would argue that most people fall in love not with their partner, but with the reflection of themselves they see in their partner’s eyes. Romantic love, then, is just an ego trip disguised as affection. I see some of Perel’s ideas here as well.
Therapeutic Exercise:
Ask yourself: If your partner stopped complimenting you tomorrow, how long would it take for you to spiral into a pit of existential despair?
Here’s the thing: When the mirror starts cracking (and it always does), you’re left staring at the messy reality of who your partner actually is. It’s less fun, but hey, at least it’s real.
Vulnerability: The Narcissist’s Kryptonite
For narcissists, vulnerability is like garlic to a vampire—it’s terrifying and must be avoided at all costs. But Schopenhauer would argue that since life is already miserable, what’s a little more pain? Open up, get hurt, rinse, and repeat.
Therapeutic Challenge:
Try telling your partner something you’re genuinely afraid of, and see if you can survive the crushing realization that they might not care as much as you hope.
Schopenhauer might call this an exercise in futility, but modern therapists call it building intimacy. Tomato, tomahto.
The Other Partner: The Unsung Hero (or the Doormat)
Narcissistic relationships thrive on imbalance, with one partner often bending over backward to prop up the other’s ego. Schopenhauer would scoff at the sacrifice, calling it a "tragic waste of individuality," but hey, someone has to do the emotional labor, right?
Therapeutic Question:
When was the last time you said no to your partner? Seriously. We’ll wait.
If you’re the non-narcissistic partner, Schopenhauer therapy would be about reclaiming your sense of self. No, not by leaving the relationship (although that’s an option), but by setting boundaries that your narcissistic partner will promptly ignore.
Humor: Laughing at the Abyss
For all his gloom, Schopenhauer had a sharp sense of humor, which is why he’d likely suggest that you and your partner lighten up. Sure, life is suffering, and your relationship is probably a mess, but isn’t it all kind of funny when you think about it?
Therapeutic Challenge:
Find the most absurd thing you’ve argued about recently and turn it into a stand-up routine. Bonus points if it involves IKEA furniture or a passive-aggressive group text.
Sometimes, laughing at the absurdity of your situation is the best way to break the narcissistic cycle. Or at least it’ll keep you from throwing plates.
The Goal: Transcendence or Truce?
Schopenhauer wasn’t exactly optimistic about people’s ability to rise above their selfish instincts, but he’d probably respect the effort.
Couples therapy in his style wouldn’t aim for perfect harmony (because that doesn’t exist). Instead, it would focus on small, meaningful wins—like learning how to share the spotlight or recognizing that your partner is a human, not just a reflection of your best self.
Therapeutic Wrap-Up:
If you can both accept that love is a delusion and you’re both hopelessly flawed, you might actually have a shot at making this work. Or at least surviving it.
Schopenhauer's Final Word
Narcissism in relationships might feel like a hopeless trap, but Schopenhauer would argue that recognizing the trap is half the battle. You’re two selfish, imperfect people trying to navigate a chaotic world together. It’s messy, frustrating, and, if you’re lucky, occasionally hilarious.
As Schopenhauer might say: "Life is suffering, but at least you don’t have to suffer alone." And isn’t that what love is all about?
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.