Lying to Your Therapist About Infidelity: Sabotaging Your Own Growth

Thursday, January 16, 2025. This is for K.

Let’s get one thing straight: if you’re lying to your therapist about infidelity, you’re not fooling anyone except yourself. Therapy is supposed to be a space for honesty, growth, and healing.

By hiding a critical truth like infidelity, you’re undermining the entire process and wasting everyone’s time—yours, your therapist’s, and possibly your partner’s.

This blog will break down why people lie, the consequences of that deceit, and why owning up is the only way forward.

Why Do People Lie About Infidelity in Therapy?

You’re Ashamed.

Infidelity is a moral sh*t show, and no one likes to admit they’ve stepped in it.

Shame, defined by Brené Brown (2012) as “the fear of disconnection,” often paralyzes people into silence. You’re terrified of being labeled as “the bad one,” even though you already know your actions weren’t exactly saintly.

You Fear Being Judged.

Sure, therapists are trained to be nonjudgmental. But let’s be honest: you’re probably projecting your fear of judgment onto your therapist. According to Knox et al. (2006), clients often withhold information in therapy because they’re scared of looking bad.

Here’s a reality check: therapists have heard far worse than your messy affair.

You Think You’re Protecting the Relationship.

This is the mental gymnastics of a master avoider: “If I don’t tell anyone, it’s like it didn’t happen.”

Wrong. What you’re actually doing is preventing the possibility of repair. Glass and Wright (1985) found that most people who cheat still value their primary relationship—but by lying, you’re actively sabotaging its recovery.

You’re in Denial.

If you can’t admit the truth to yourself, how can you admit it to your therapist? Festinger’s (1957) theory of cognitive dissonance explains why people lie to themselves and others—they’re desperate to reconcile conflicting beliefs. But denial is a crutch, not a solution.

The Consequences of Lying in Therapy

Lying about infidelity doesn’t just hurt your therapy—it can unravel your entire life. Here’s how:

You’re Sabotaging the Process.

Therapy is a partnership. Your therapist isn’t a magician who can read your mind and fix your problems without input. Research shows the therapeutic alliance—built on trust and honesty—is the most significant predictor of success in therapy (Horvath & Symonds, 1991). When you lie, you destroy that foundation.

You’re Compounding the Damage.

Keeping secrets creates stress—emotional and even physical. Pennebaker (1997) found that unexpressed emotions and secrets can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and health issues. By hiding the truth, you’re piling emotional isolation on top of the guilt you already feel.

You’re Robbing Yourself of Growth.

Infidelity is often a symptom of deeper issues, such as unmet emotional needs, attachment wounds, or unresolved trauma. By lying, you cut yourself off from exploring those root causes. Gordon et al. (2004) found that couples who openly address infidelity often experience stronger emotional bonds afterward.

But you can’t repair what you won’t reveal.

You’re Wasting Time and Money.

Therapy isn’t cheap. Why pay for a professional’s expertise if you’re only giving them half the picture? It’s like paying for a personal trainer while secretly bingeing on fast food. You’re investing in failure.

Why Coming Clean Is Your Only Option

Still think lying is easier? Think again. The only way to move forward is by facing the truth. Here’s why:

Secrets Make You Sick.

Studies have consistently shown that keeping secrets harms your mental and physical health (Pennebaker, 1997). Admitting the truth to your therapist is the first step toward relieving that burden.

Therapists Are Trained for This.

Worried about your therapist judging you? Don’t be. Their job is to help you navigate this mess, not condemn you for it. According to Greenman and Johnson (2013), therapists using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) focus on repairing attachment injuries—including those caused by infidelity.

Growth Requires Discomfort.

Growth isn’t supposed to feel good. Brené Brown (2012) emphasizes that vulnerability—the willingness to show up and be seen—is essential for connection and healing. Telling the truth about your infidelity might hurt in the short term, but it’s the only way to make real progress.

Infidelity Can Be a Catalyst for Change.

Gottman and Gottman (2017) found that couples who address infidelity in therapy often come out stronger. Yes, it’s a painful process, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild trust, intimacy, and communication.

How to Come Clean in Therapy

Admitting you’ve been lying is tough, but it’s not impossible. Here’s how to do it:

Own It.

Start with the truth: “I haven’t been completely honest, and I need to address something important.” Taking responsibility shows your therapist you’re ready to do the work.

Explain Your Motives.

Were you scared of judgment? Protecting your partner? Denial? Sharing your reasons can help your therapist understand where you’re coming from.

Be Ready for Discomfort.

This won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Lean into the discomfort, knowing it’s a necessary step toward healing.

Commit to the Process.

Infidelity is a complex issue, and addressing it takes time. Trust your therapist to guide you through the messy middle.

Final Thoughts: Therapy Is a Truth Zone

Lying to your therapist about infidelity isn’t just dishonest—it’s self-destructive. You’re not protecting yourself or your relationship; you’re undermining your chance for growth, healing, and happiness. Therapy is your opportunity to face the hard truths and emerge stronger. Don’t waste it.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.

Farber, B. A., Berano, K. C., & Capobianco, J. A. (2012). Clients' perceptions of the process and consequences of lying in psychotherapy. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 49(3), 364–376.

Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1985). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research, 21(1), 1-17.

Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213-231.

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The science of couples and family therapy: Behind the scenes at the "Love Lab". Norton.

Greenman, P. S., & Johnson, S. M. (2013). Process research on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples: Linking theory to practice. Family Process, 52(1), 46-61.

Horvath, A. O., & Symonds, B. D. (1991). Relation between working alliance and outcome in psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 38(2), 139–149.

Knox, S., Hess, S. A., Petersen, D. A., & Hill, C. E. (2006). A qualitative study of client perceptions of lying and why they lie in therapy. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 53(3), 362–373.

Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotions. Guilford Press.