Expectations in marriage…what does the science show?

Monday, July 31, 2023.

What are reasonable expectations for marriage?

A study from a generation ago looked at 82 couples who were followed from the first few months of their marriage to year four. This fascinating study linked the notion of expectations to good relationship skills, and here is what they found:

• The key to marital satisfaction for many people is having a more realistic view of marriage which is congruent with your motivation and relational skill set.

• Another interesting finding. Pessimism is protective. Humans who expect challenging encounters often do better in their level of long-term satisfaction than those humans who naively anticipate nothing but happily ever after.

• However, for humans with solid relationship skills — it’s better that they maintain their high expectations because their relationship skills will produce the “wins under their belt” which will result in more robust marital satisfaction.

Professor James McNulty, who co-authored the study, said:

“Over the long term, it is important for marriage partners to have accurate knowledge of their relationship’s strengths and weaknesses.

Satisfaction goes down when a spouse’s expectations don’t fit with reality.”

The findings come as a surprise to some, as the importance of marital expectations has been a flashpoint of controversy among couples therapy thought leaders. Research by Gottman and Balcom has consistently shown that high expectations tend to produce better outcomes.

On the other hand, marriage and family therapy thought leader Esther Perel has opined that Americans are excessively invested in high expectations.

“Love is a verb. Not a permanent state of enthusiasm.” Ester Perel.

• She has a point. Mediocre couples therapist, (who never bother to read research), offer knee jerk advice to always keep their marital expectations high, when the truth is, it depends.

• However, Professor McNulty said:

“There’s been a lot of emphasis on the idea of positive illusions in marriage.

Sure, it may make you happy in the short-run to think your spouse is better than he or she actually is, but if the reality doesn’t match the image, eventually your satisfaction is going to decline.”

How the study was designed

The study involved 82 couples who were closely followed from the very start of their marriage.

What was particularly intriguing was that the researchers assessed the marital problem-solving skills assessed, as well as the marital expectations of the study subjects.

The researchers were keenly interested in any blaming of their spouse for anything that went awry in the relationship.

I also like that this was a longitudinal piece of research. The study ran for 4 years, and here’s what they found; the spouses who combined nosebleed high expectations, along with abysmal problem-solving skills, had rock -bottom levels of marital satisfaction.

However, the newlyweds with good relationship skills were better off when they maintained higher expectations from the marriage. This confirms Gottman’s findings as well.

• Professor McNulty explained the relationship between effort and expectation:

“Many people would think couples with good relationship skills, but low expectations, would be pleasantly surprised by the positive outcomes that would come about because of their good relationship skills.

But if they have low expectations, they may not put forth the effort to work on their relationship.

So their low expectations really prevent them from taking advantage of their skills and achieving their potential satisfaction.”

• In other words, if you’ve got good relationship and problem-solving skills, aim high.

• If not, get a good science-based couples therapist. If you’re motivated, if works pretty good most of the time (70-92% self-reporting success rate). You can definitely acquire the relationship skill you need in order to raise your expectations in marriage. I can help with that.

• But if you decide to pass on investing in building your skills, it’s best that you lower your expectations for marital satisfaction.

RESEARCH:

McNulty, J. K., & Karney, B. R. (2004). Positive Expectations in the Early Years of Marriage: Should Couples Expect the Best or Brace for the Worst? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(5), 729–743. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.86.5.729