Nemorinity: The Pleasant Un-Surprise That Saves Marriages
Sunday, September 14, 2025.
We’ve all been sold the same relationship fantasy: keep it fresh, keep it fiery, keep it Instagrammable.
Surprise trips to Paris! Elaborate gender reveals! Interplanetary vacations that require a second mortgage!
But ask anyone who’s sat across from me in couples therapy, and they’ll tell you what I told them—novelty, while highly valued, can’t hold a marriage together all on it’s own.
What actually saves relationships is something far less flashy and far more human: Nemorinity.
Nemorinity is the “pleasant un-surprise.”
It’s the relief of finding your partner in the exact place you expected them, doing the exact thing you hoped for. It’s the familiar casserole on the table, the Saturday morning coffee handed over without comment, the sarcastic sibling banter that somehow refuses to die.
It’s not boring. It’s oxygen for family intimacy.
Why Predictability Beats Spectacle Every Time
American culture has become allergic to predictability.
Families now feel pressured to turn every birthday into a Broadway production. Couples, terrified of “falling into a rut,” spend more time Googling “creative date night ideas” than actually talking to each other.
Here’s the thing: predictability should not always be unwelcome.
In fact, relationship research shows it’s what keeps marriages stable over the long haul (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Nemorinity is the quiet hum beneath the chaos, the thing that says: We’re safe here. We know each other. We can exhale.
What is Nemorinity?
Fireworks are great. But without oxygen, they fizzle in seconds. Nemorinity is oxygen.
The word nemorinity was somewhat recently coined by information-science researchers Yosef Solomon and Jenny Bronstein (2018). It describes the inevitable, designed discovery of something valuable—a kind of “pleasant un-surprise.”
Unlike serendipity (unexpected luck) or zemblanity (unpleasant inevitability), nemorinity marks discoveries that are planned yet still rewarding.
The Nervous System Loves a Good Un-Surprise
Attachment Theory has been banging this drum for decades (Bowlby, 1988; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016): humans thrive when they can count on each other. Babies need it. Adults need it. And marriages reliably tend to collapse without it.
Your nervous system doesn’t light up for constant adrenaline. It relaxes into steady rhythms.
Nemorinity is your body saying: I knew you’d do that, and I love that you did. That sigh of recognition is worth more than any hot-air balloon ride.
In the Therapy Room: Where Nemorinity Hides
Couples rarely show up to therapy saying, “We need more nemorinity.” They say, “We fight all the time,” or, “I don’t know who you are anymore.”
Translation? The pleasant un-surprise has gone missing. When nemorinity is absent, relationships swing between two extremes:
Chaos Disguised as Passion — every week is an adventure, but nobody feels safe.
Rigid Routine — everything’s predictable, but nobody feels alive.
Good, science-based couples therapy works with motivated couples to find the glorious middle ground: reliable rhythms laced with affection. I can help with that.
Nemorinity isn’t about stagnation. It’s about stability with a little sparkle. Like jazz, nemorinity offers a rhythm you can count on, with enough improvisation to keep it vivacious and vital.
How to Actually Practice Nemorinity
Notice It Out Loud. When your partner does something predictably kind, don’t roll your eyes. Say, I love that you always do this. Recognition turns routine into intimacy.
Protect the Small Rituals. Bedtime stories. Sunday pancakes. That half-conscious “goodnight” muttered as you turn off the light. They don’t make Instagram reels, but they make marriages last.
Resist the Spectacle Arms Race. Trust me: a casserole baked every Thanksgiving is doing more for your family stability than a choreographed TikTok dance.
The Big Picture: Nemorinity as Relationship Glue
Couples don’t fall apart because life got “boring.”
They fall apart because life got unpredictable, unreliable, unsafe.
Nemorinity is the antidote. It’s the everyday proof that your people are there, in the same old ways, still holding the line.
So if you’re worried your marriage has lost its spark, here’s my advice as a couples therapist: stop chasing Perelian fireworks. Start treasuring the pleasant un-surprises—the coffee, the casserole, the eye-roll, the kiss on the way out the door. Nemorinity saves marriages and families.
Because in the end, love doesn’t survive on spectacle. It survives on the quiet relief of knowing what’s coming—and loving it quietly, but thoroughly with anticipation.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
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