Masculinity, Sexual Attraction, and Infidelity: Why We Don’t All Feel Betrayal the Same Way
Sunday, October 26, 2025.
When your partner’s phone lights up after midnight, your stomach drops. You tell yourself you’re fine—but your body disagrees.
Jealousy is fast, primal, and oddly democratic. It shows up whether you want it or not.
But what if the way you feel that jealousy—whether it’s about sex, or about emotional connection—has less to do with being male or female, and more to do with your internal chemistry of masculinity, femininity, and attraction?
That’s the question behind new research by Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair and colleagues at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology.
Published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (2025), their findings complicate the neat evolutionary tale we’ve been told for decades: men rage over sex, women cry over love.
It turns out, the real story is in the dials—not the switches.
The Classic Script: Sex vs. Emotion
Evolutionary psychology has always loved this chestnut:
Men evolved to fear sexual infidelity because, as Buss and Haselton (2005) argued, paternity uncertainty could mean raising another man’s child.
Women, on the other hand, were wired to fear emotional infidelity, since a distracted partner might withdraw the resources and protection crucial to survival (Buss, 2013).
And yes, in most heterosexual samples, that pattern still shows up. Edlund and Sagarin (2017) found men consistently more distressed by sexual betrayal, women by emotional betrayal—a difference so replicated it’s practically academic wallpaper.
But among sexual minorities, that split collapses. Larsen et al. (2021) found gay men and lesbian women reacted similarly to both forms of cheating. Clearly, something more than chromosomes was at play.
The “Dials, Not Switches” Hypothesis
Kennair’s team asked 4,465 Norwegians—ages 16 to 80, straight, gay, bi, and pan—to imagine two kinds of betrayal:
Their partner has sex with someone else.
Their partner forms a deep emotional bond with someone else.
Which hurts more?
Predictably, heterosexual men chose sexual betrayal; heterosexual women, emotional.
But when the researchers dug deeper—into psychological masculinity and sexual attraction (gynephilia = attraction to women; androphilia = attraction to men)—the tidy binary dissolved.
Men high in masculinity and attraction to women were most disturbed by sexual infidelity. But men even slightly attracted to men showed less distress over sexual betrayal, no matter how masculine they were.
Women’s patterns didn’t shift with masculinity or femininity traits at all; emotional betrayal remained the sharper wound.
It’s not the chromosome—it’s the configuration.
From the Lab to the Therapy Room
Imagine Evan. He insists he’s not angry, just humiliated.
“It’s not that she slept with him,” he tells me. “It’s that she laughed with him—the way she used to laugh with me.”
That’s emotional infidelity, and it hits harder than many expect. The data backs him up: emotional betrayal activates different parts of the self—attachment, identity, belonging.
In therapy, I see it daily. A partner thinks they’re fighting about sex but they’re really fighting about recognition. Or they say they’re jealous, when they’re actually afraid of being erased.
Jealousy isn’t one emotion. It’s an orchestra. And which instrument plays loudest depends on your internal mix of gender, attraction, and history.
When Evolutionary Theory Meets Human Complexity
Kennair’s study doesn’t overthrow the evolutionary model; it refines it. Yes, evolution built the scaffolding for jealousy—but personality, culture, and identity fill in the walls.
Consider this twist: bisexual men with female partners were more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity—reversing the heterosexual male pattern. From a strict evolutionary standpoint, that shouldn’t happen. But if jealousy is filtered through attachment rather than reproduction, it suddenly makes perfect sense (see Eastwick & Finkel, 2012).
The emotional takeaway: people’s jealousy maps reflect who they are becoming, not just what evolution built.
Why This Matters in Couples Therapy
Here’s what this research teaches therapists: jealousy isn’t pathology—it’s data. It tells you where identity and connection collide.
For some men, distress over sexual betrayal feels like ancestral alarm bells—“I’ve been replaced.” For others, it’s more existential—“I can’t compete.”
For many women, emotional betrayal feels like erasure—the withdrawal of safety and empathy that defines attachment itself.
Neither is wrong. Both are information.
And as Gottman and Silver (2015) remind us, it’s not the feeling that ruins relationships—it’s the inability to discuss it.
Couples who survive infidelity don’t erase what happened; they redefine it.
In my work, I help partners name what’s underneath the jealousy. Is it grief? Insecurity? A threat to identity? Once those dials are visible, couples can stop punishing each other for feeling human—and start understanding what their pain is trying to protect.
Jealousy, in the end, isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. And when translated well, it points directly toward what still matters.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is jealousy ever healthy?
Yes. Jealousy evolved to protect bonds we value (Buss, 2013). It becomes toxic only when it’s mixed with control, secrecy, or shame.
Can couples recover from infidelity?
They can—and many do. Glass and Wright (1992) found that couples who engage in transparent dialogue often rebuild stronger intimacy than before.
Does sexual orientation change jealousy?
Yes. Kennair’s study shows attraction—not labels—matters most. Bisexual, gay, and pansexual people often show less rigid patterns of distress.
What if I can’t stop replaying what happened?
Therapy helps you metabolize—not erase—the experience. Understanding how your internal dials (gender identity, attraction, attachment style) shape your reaction can turn raw pain into usable insight.
A Takeaway Worth Keeping
If we strip away the evolutionary gloss, the finding is simple: infidelity hurts differently depending on who we are, not just what happened. Masculinity, femininity, attraction, and context all tweak the emotional math.
Or as Kennair put it, “gendering and sex differences are not categorical processes but dimensional ones.”
So the next time you catch yourself saying, “Men are like this, women are like that,” remember: your emotional wiring is more like a mixing board than a switch.
And therapy, ideally, is where you learn how to make that music sound less like noise.
If Your Relationship Is Navigating Betrayal
If your relationship is carrying the weight of betrayal—sexual, emotional, or both—you don’t have to navigate it alone.
Repair isn’t a return to the past; it’s an honest re-creation of trust.
I work with couples who want to move beyond blame toward understanding. Together, we unpack what the affair revealed about your needs, attachment patterns, and emotional wiring—and how to rebuild a bond that feels real again. I can help with that.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Buss, D. M. (2013). The evolution of desire: Strategies of human mating (4th ed.). Basic Books.
Buss, D. M., & Haselton, M. G. (2005). The evolution of jealousy. American Psychologist, 60(6), 496–507. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.60.6.496
Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2012). The attachment system in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(3), 475–489. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0029048
Edlund, J. E., & Sagarin, B. J. (2017). Sex differences in jealousy: A 25-year retrospective. In Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 55, 259–302. https://doi.org/10.1016/bs.aesp.2016.10.002
Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Family Issues, 13(3), 333–358. https://doi.org/10.1177/019251392013003001
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). Harmony Books.
Kennair, L. E. O., Bendixen, M., & Schmitt, D. P. (2025). Male sex, masculinization, sexual orientation, and gynephilia synergistically predict increased sexual jealousy. Archives of Sexual Behavior.https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/40847247/?utm_source=chatgpt.com
Larsen, P. H. H., Bendixen, M., Grøntvedt, T. V., Kessler, A. M., & Kennair, L. E. O. (2021). Investigating the emergence of sex differences in jealousy responses in a large community sample. Scientific Reports, 11, 6485. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-021-85997-7
Sagarin, B. J., et al. (2012). Sex differences in jealousy: A meta-analytic examination. Evolution and Human Behavior, 33(6), 595–614. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2012.03.003