Marriage Fights That Secretly Mean You’re Doing Fine

Thursday, August 28, 2025.

Most people think a “good” marriage means no fights, just endless candlelight dinners and synchronized grocery lists.

In reality, if you never argue, one of you has probably stopped talking.

Decades of research show that fighting is not the enemy of marriage—contempt is.

John Gottman’s work at the “Love Lab” found that couples who thrive still clash on nearly 70% of issues (Gottman, 1994).

The difference is that their fights are less about destruction and more about staying connected.

In other words, the right kinds of arguments can mean your marriage is healthier than you think.

A marriage without conflict isn’t a marriage—it’s a hostage situation.

Real couples argue. In fact, John Gottman’s research shows that even the most stable marriages disagree on nearly 70% of issues (Gottman, 1994). Fighting doesn’t mean you’re doomed. What matters is how you fight.

Sparks vs. Wildfires

• Healthy Sparks (green flags): Direct complaints without contempt, a little humor in tense moments, and plenty of positive exchanges compared to negative ones—roughly five to one (Gottman Institute, 2024).

• Wildfires (red flags): Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These “Four Horsemen” consistently predict divorce (Gottman Institute, 2024).

Contempt is the real poison. Anger can sometimes be constructive; contempt corrodes respect (Fischer & Roseman, 2007).

Five Marriage Fights That Secretly Mean You’re Okay

1. “You Never Listen”

This sort of fight is really about connection. Gottman calls these outbursts “bids.” Couples who respond positively to bids—turning toward instead of away—are far more likely to last (Gottman, 2011).

2. The Housework Olympics

The fight isn’t about dishes; it’s about fairness. Studies show that when chores are shared equitably, couples report higher relationship quality and even higher sexual satisfaction (Carlson et al., 2016; Yavorsky et al., 2015).

3. “Get Off Your Phone”

Researchers call this technoference: devices barging into couple time. It predicts more conflict and lower satisfaction (McDaniel & Coyne, 2017). But the fight itself is hopeful. It means your partner still wants your attention.

4. “Your Family vs. My Family”

In-laws. This is the original wedge issue. Studies show that mismatched expectations about closeness with extended family predict divorce risk (Fiori et al., 2021). But hashing it out is often the way couples establish their own shared boundaries and identity.

5. “We’re Not on the Same Page Sexually”

Desire discrepancies are completely normal. Left unspoken, they undermine satisfaction; when couples talk openly, they quite often adapt (Willoughby et al., 2014; Vowels et al., 2020). A fight here isn’t failure—it’s actually approach engagement.

Why These Arguments Can Be Healthy

• Engagement Over Apathy: Anger shows you still care; silence shows you’ve checked out (Bloch, Haase, & Levenson, 2014).

• Repair Attempts Matter: A quick joke, a softened tone, or a small apology can stabilize conflict (Gottman, Swanson, & Murray, 1999).

• Context Counts: Even sharp disagreements can help when partners stay respectful (Overall et al., 2017).

FAQs About Marriage Fights

Are fights normal in marriage?
Yes. Every marriage has conflict. The issue is whether fights include contempt or stonewalling (predictors of divorce) or whether they’re marked by humor, warmth, and repair attempts (predictors of stability).

Which fights can actually be healthy?
Arguments about attention, chores, phones, in-laws, and sex often signal continued engagement rather than decline—provided partners avoid contempt.

What is the 5:1 ratio?
Stable marriages average about five positive interactions for every negative one, even during conflict (Gottman Institute, 2024).

Why is contempt more dangerous than anger?
Anger can mobilize change. Contempt—eye rolls, sarcasm, mockery—signals disrespect and predicts divorce (Fischer & Roseman, 2007).

Can fights about chores or sex make marriage stronger?
Yes. Fairness in chores boosts relationship satisfaction, and talking openly about sexual differences predicts resilience (Carlson et al., 2016; Vowels et al., 2020).

The Takeaway

If you and your partner argue about housework, phones, family, or intimacy, you’re not necessarily broken—you might be just fine.

The danger isn’t necessarily conflict; it’s contempt and indifference.

As long as you fight without poison, your marriage may be healthier than you think.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bloch, L., Haase, C. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2014). Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(1), 122–130. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035246

Carlson, D. L., Hanson, S., & Fitzroy, A. (2016). The division of child care, sexual intimacy, and relationship quality in couples. Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(1), 60–79. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12255

Fiori, K. L., Rauer, A. J., Birditt, K. S., Brown, E., & Orbuch, T. L. (2021). You aren’t as close to my family as you think: Discordant perceptions about in-laws and risk of divorce. Research in Human Development, 17(4), 258–273. https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2021.1874792

Fischer, A. H., & Roseman, I. J. (2007). Beat them or ban them: The characteristics and social functions of anger and contempt. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(1), 103–115. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.93.1.103

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York, NY: W.W. Norton.

Gottman, J. M., Swanson, C., & Murray, J. (1999). The mathematics of marital conflict: Dynamic mathematical modeling of newlywed interaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 13(1), 3–19. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.13.1.3

Gottman Institute. (2024). The Four Horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com

Gottman Institute. (2024). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com

McDaniel, B. T., & Coyne, S. M. (2017). “Technoference” in the couple and family context: Implications for relationships and well-being. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 6(3), 255–270. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000105

Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Fillo, J. (2017). Attachment insecurity, biased perceptions of conflict, and persistent negativity in romantic relationships. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 69, 297–305. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2016.08.004

Vowels, L. M., et al. (2020). Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in couples. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 46(3), 240–255. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1704670

Willoughby, B. J., Farero, A. M., & Busby, D. M. (2014). Exploring the effects of sexual desire discrepancy among married couples. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3), 551–562. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-013-0251-5

Yavorsky, J. E., Kamp Dush, C. M., & Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J. (2015). The production of inequality: The gender division of labor across the transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(3), 662–679. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12189