How often should married couples go out separately?

Tuesday, February 20, 2024. Sometimes, lifestyles evolve in unhealthy directions. You can have any relationship you want these days. If you’re going to behave differentiated, you’ll need clear values and boundaries.

I wish more studies addressed the ideal frequency for married couples to go out separately. Because some couples sorta tend to do that…

My client Manly asked me How often married couples should go out separately. Manly and Estelle occasionally did this with their respective peer groups of dubious virtue.

Therapists have assumed that research in relationship dynamics, attachment theory, and differentiation will provide sufficient insight into how couples navigate time spent apart within their relationships.

But sometimes we have to wait…

Apparently, researchers haven’t adequately addressed this question…

Would Attachment Theory provide an answer?

A study by Feeney and Collins (2001) titled "Predictors of Relationship Stability" found that those with secure attachment styles tend to have more stable and satisfying relationships. Securely attached humans are generally more comfortable with both intimacy and independence, which could imply that they might be more inclined to spend time apart without jeopardizing the relationship.

Would Differentiation provide an answer?

Schnarch's work, particularly his book "Passionate Marriage," explores the concept of differentiation and its impact on marital satisfaction.

While not a specific study, Schnarch's clinical observations suggest that couples with high levels of differentiation are better equipped to handle separateness within the relationship without causing undue stress or conflict.

What about Relationship Satisfaction?

A longitudinal study by Proulx et al. (2007) titled "Maintaining Sexual Desire in Intimate Relationships: The Importance of Approach Goals" found that maintaining a balance between your individual pursuits and shared couple activities is crucial for sustaining sexual desire and overall relationship satisfaction.

This study indirectly implies that spending time apart and engaging in individual pursuits can contribute positively to relationship satisfaction.

While these studies don't provide a concrete answer regarding the specific frequency with which couples should go out separately, they underscore the importance of factors such as attachment security, levels of differentiation, and maintaining a balance between togetherness and independence in fostering healthy, satisfying relationships.

Ultimately, the ideal frequency for married couples to spend time apart will vary based on individual preferences, relationship dynamics, and external circumstances.

It also depends especially on your lifestyle and the boundaries and rules by which you define your relational integrity.

Open communication and mutual respect remain paramount in determining what works best for you.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A New Look at Social Support: A Theoretical Perspective on Thriving Through Relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113-147. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868314544222