Toward a Neurodivergent Relationship Therapy…
Tuesday, February 20, 2024.
Neurodivergent Relationships and the Power of Human Understanding, Acceptance, and Empowerment
Neurodiversity, a concept first introduced by sociologist Judy Singer in the late 1990s in her college thesis, emphasizes the natural variation in human neurological structure and functioning.
Within this framework, individuals with conditions such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dyslexia, and others are considered neurodivergent.
Neurodivergent humans bring unique perspectives, talents, and challenges to their relationships, necessitating a deeper understanding and nuanced approach to communication, empathy, and support.
We have all kinds of brains in the human family, and neurodivergent relationships have always been with us. But new science has allowed us to draw insights from leading researchers, advocates, and autobiographical accounts on living in a neurodiverse relationship.
Understanding and Translating the Neurodivergent Relationship…
Neurodivergent relationships may encompass partnerships, friendships, familial connections, and professional interactions involving one or more neurodivergent humans. But I focus on marriages, families, and committed intimate relationships.
Diverse communication styles, sensory sensitivities, emotional regulation patterns, and cognitive processes characterize these relationships. It is crucial to recognize that neurodivergent traits are not inherently deficits but rather variations that contribute to the rich tapestry of human experiences.
Sensory Differences…
One key aspect of understanding neurodivergent relationships is recognizing and accommodating sensory differences. Dr. Temple Grandin, a prominent autism advocate and researcher, has extensively discussed the sensory experiences of individuals on the autism spectrum.
Sensory sensitivities can profoundly impact daily interactions, from preferences for specific textures and lighting to aversions to certain sounds or smells. Creating sensory-friendly environments and respecting individual human boundaries are essential for fostering comfort and well-being in neurodivergent relationships.
Communication SNAFU’s…
Communication presents another significant challenge and opportunity in neurodivergent relationships.
Dr. Tony Attwood, a clinical psychologist known for his work with individuals with ASD, highlights the importance of embracing different communication styles and interpreting nonverbal cues effectively.
Neurodivergent folks may excel in direct, logical communication but struggle with nuanced social cues or sarcasm. Patience, clarity, and active listening are foundational for fostering mutual understanding and connection.
Empathy and emotional regulation are areas of particular importance in neurodivergent relationships.
Research by Dr. Michelle Garcia Winner, a speech-language pathologist specializing in social cognitive deficits, emphasizes the need to explicitly teach social and emotional skills to neurodivergent folks. Building emotional literacy and recognizing one's own and others' emotional states can enhance empathy and promote harmonious relationships.
Navigating predictable challenges in Neurodivergent Relationships…
Despite the strengths and insights neurodivergent individuals bring to relationships, challenges may arise due to societal misconceptions, stigma, and lack of awareness.
Dr. Stephen Shore, an autistic professor and advocate, emphasizes the importance of shifting from a deficit-based to a strengths-based perspective in understanding neurodiversity. By focusing on strengths, talents, and interests, neurodivergent individuals can thrive in their relationships and communities.
One common challenge in neurodivergent relationships is managing executive functioning differences. Dr. Russell Barkley, a clinical psychologist specializing in ADHD, identifies executive functions such as planning, organization, and time management as areas of difficulty for individuals with ADHD.
Developing strategies for task management, setting clear expectations, and providing external supports can mitigate these challenges and promote collaboration in relationships.
Another significant concern is the impact of societal stereotypes and discrimination on neurodivergent individuals' self-esteem and well-being.
Dr. Sarah Hendrickx, an autistic author and consultant, discusses the importance of promoting acceptance and celebrating neurodiversity in relationships. Creating inclusive environments where neurodivergent individuals feel valued and respected is essential for fostering positive self-image and interpersonal connections.
Research and Advocacy in Neurodivergent Relationships
A growing body of research and advocacy efforts is dedicated to understanding and supporting neurodivergent relationships.
Organizations such as the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN), founded by Ari Ne'eman, and the ADHD Awareness Month campaign, led by Dr. Ned Hallowell, promote awareness, acceptance, and empowerment for neurodivergent individuals and their loved ones.
Recent studies have explored interventions and support strategies for enhancing the quality of neurodivergent relationships.
For example, Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist renowned for his work on marital stability and relationship dynamics, has adapted his research-based couples therapy techniques to accommodate the unique needs of neurodivergent couples.
Integrating strategies for effective communication, conflict resolution, and emotional connection can strengthen neurodivergent relationships and promote long-term satisfaction.
Final Thoughts
Neurodivergent relationships are complex. Many neurodivergent humans grow up without the proper understanding or support. Depression and anxiety are widespread.
I was speaking to a colleague recently. She and I agreed that the most significant problem in the field was the sheer number of neurodiverse couples seeking help on the one hand, compared with the relatively small number of therapists certified to work with a neurodivergent population.
Good couples therapy can offer profound growth, understanding, and connection opportunities for neurodiverse marriages and families. I can help with that.
By recognizing and celebrating neurodiversity, embracing diverse communication styles, and addressing challenges with compassion and creativity, the community of mental health practice can help these relationships thrive.
Continued research, advocacy, and collaboration will refine all couples therapy approaches to appreciate the dynamics of neurodiverse relationships.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Attwood, T. (2007). The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Barkley, R. A. (2015). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved. Guilford Press.
Grandin, T. (2006). Thinking in Pictures: My Life with Autism. Vintage.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Routledge.
Hendrickx, S. (2008). Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Ne'eman, A. (2012). Autistic Self Advocacy Network: Community Organizing as Autistic Liberation. In N. Segal, A. D. Moreno, & P. Y. Hynes (Eds.), Our Lives as Database: Doing a Sociology of Ourselves (pp. 175–190). Palgrave Macmillan.
Shore, S. M. (2003). Beyond the Wall: Personal Experiences with Autism and Asperger Syndrome. Autism Asperger Publishing Company.
Winner, M. G. (2007). Thinking About You, Thinking About Me: Philosophy and Strategies to Further Develop Perspective Taking and Communicative Abilities for Persons with Autism. Think Social Publishing, Inc.
