Fathers by Choice, Mothers by Absence
Tuesday, August 19, 2025.
There’s something undeniably moving about men who decide, after years of waiting, to become fathers on their own.
The Atlantic recently profiled this growing group of “single dads by choice” — men who wanted families badly enough to endure the expense, the clinics, the contracts, and the raised eyebrows.
They could have given up; instead, they built homes where children now live and grow. It’s hard not to admire that.
But admiration doesn’t erase the questions.
Children don’t arrive by magic. They come from women — egg donors, surrogates — whose names often vanish into sterile phrases like “gestational carrier.” Without them, no “choice” for these dads exists.
And without mothers, these children are being asked to adapt to a story where their absence is part of the narrative.
Fatherhood as Purpose
For many of these men, fatherhood isn’t just about family; it’s about identity.
Marriage has slipped out of reach, masculinity feels less certain, and parenthood offers a kind of anchor. One father described it as the chance to “multiply love.” Another called it a way to give life meaning when success alone felt hollow.
There’s profound dignity in that.
Children often do pull us out of ourselves, forcing us to grow gentler, more patient, more open. But children are not cures for loneliness or trophies of self-discovery. They’re people — unpredictable, exhausting, and, ultimately, wholly their own beings.
The Missing Half
I have to be fair here. Research clearly shows that kids raised by single fathers through surrogacy tend to do well (Carone, 2017; Pereira, 2022).
That should reassure us. Their economic privilege and status are self-evident. These are precious and privileged children.
Yet this privilege also may sidestep the harder question: is there harm in deliberately removing mothers from the picture? Some losses children can’t avoid — death, divorce, circumstance. But here, the loss is built in from the very beginning.
Perhaps these kids will continue as they have been, to grow up to be fine, above average citizens. Adults have been relying on the resilience of children from the dawn of time.
But resilience doesn’t mean the absence is necessarily meaningless. Someday, perhaps some will ask not just “who am I?” but also “why was this choice made for me?”
Family as Privilege
Let’s face it. This path isn’t open to everyone. Surrogacy and egg donation cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.
These are boutique families, engineered with resources far beyond the reach of most ordinary souls.
That doesn’t make them less real, but it does make them far less universal.
For most folks, family still arrives by accident, compromise, or improvisation.
Naming What’s Missing
None of this is meant to diminish or devalue the love these fathers feel, or the happiness many of these children will, most likely, find.
I mean to remind us that something is missing here, and we should be honest about it. Parenthood is not just about creating life, but about recognizing the lives involved — fathers, children, and yes, the mothers whose contributions too often fade into background in this particular intentional family dynamic..
The truth may be simple: fatherhood is changing, and these men are a profound part of that change.
They deserve respect for stepping forward with devotion. But devotion shouldn’t mean denial. The children born into these families will inherit not only their fathers’ love, but also the silences and narrative gaps in their stories.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godpeed.
REFERENCES:
Carone, N. (2017). Single fathers by choice: The reproductive experience of single men seeking surrogacy. Human Reproduction, 32(9), 1871–1879. https://doi.org/10.1093/humrep/dex256 TIME+13Oxford Academic+13The Atlantic+13
Jones, C. (2022). Single fathers by choice: Experiences of surrogacy and egg donation (O-212). Human Reproduction, 37(Suppl_1), deac105.131. https://doi.org/10.1093/humrep/deac105.131 Oxford Academic
Jones, C. (2023). Single fathers' experiences of using egg donation and surrogacy. Human Reproduction, 38(10), 1981. https://doi.org/10.1093/humrep/dead198 journals.sagepub.com+8Oxford Academic+8Cofertility+8
Layne, L. (2019). Single fathers by choice: Memoirs of getting twins and growing up alone. Culture, Health & Sexuality. [Review] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6807310/ PMC+2The Atlantic+2
Pereira, H. (2022). Children of single fathers created by surrogacy: Psychosocial development. Journal of Children and Family Studies. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9688871/ TIME+13PMC+13Oxford Academic+13
Hill, F. (2025, August 19). The growing cohort of single dads by choice: For some men, fatherhood is an answer to questions about modern masculinity. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2025/08/single-fathers-by-choice-america/683885/