"Exes at the Wedding": A Celebration of Queer Relational Fluidity
Tuesday, November 19, 2024.
In many LGBTQ+ communities, weddings often look less like a Hallmark scene and more like a joyful reunion of chosen family.
It’s not uncommon for ex-partners to play central roles: officiating, giving toasts, or simply sharing in the celebration.
This cultural phenomenon isn’t just a quirky detail—it reflects a deeply rooted set of values about community, connection, and the ability to redefine relationships.
The Role of Chosen Families in LGBTQ+ Culture
For many queer folks, traditional family structures have been insufficient or outright hostile.
This has given rise to the concept of chosen families—support networks of friends, partners, and former lovers who fill the roles that biological families sometimes cannot.
Anthropologist Kath Weston (1991) coined this term to describe the tight-knit, self-constructed communities that often form in queer spaces.
Chosen families aren’t just a response to exclusion; they’re also a celebration of inclusivity. Weddings in LGBTQ+ circles frequently showcase this ethos. By keeping exes and past partners in their social orbit, queer partners create a web of relationships that values history, emotional growth, and shared experience over rigid social norms.
Relational Fluidity: Beyond “Exes” and “Friends”
Queer relationships often reject the binary labels of “friends” versus “lovers.”
Instead, they embrace fluidity. Relationships evolve naturally, allowing former partners to transition into close friends or even integral members of one’s chosen family.
This flexibility is supported by research, such as a 2017 study in Personal Relationships, which found that LGBTQ+ folks are more likely than their heterosexual peers to maintain positive, ongoing connections with exes.
Why is this?
In part, it’s pragmatic.
LGBTQ+ dating pools are smaller, which makes it more likely that exes will remain part of the same social circles. But it’s also philosophical: queer culture often emphasizes the importance of community and the shared bonds that transcend romantic outcomes.
Why Queer Weddings Often Include Exes
Queer weddings are often a reflection of the values that underpin LGBTQ+ communities. They prioritize creativity, inclusion, and authenticity over convention.
Research by Moore and Stambolis-Ruhstorfer (2013) highlights how queer couples use their weddings to reflect their unique experiences and chosen families.
By involving exes in the ceremony, queer spouses celebrate not just a romantic relationship but the broader web of connections that support it.
Exes can symbolize growth and maturity. They remind us of the paths we’ve traveled and the people who have shaped us. Their inclusion in weddings isn’t about nostalgia—it’s about honoring the complexity of human relationships and the ways they can transform over time.
The Psychology of Keeping Exes Close
The ability to maintain friendships with exes reflects emotional resilience and maturity. It’s a trait I deeply admire.
Psychologist Esther Perel has noted that maintaining bonds with former partners requires a high level of self-awareness and relational growth. Some exes, even some who are therapists, often fall short.
It’s a practice of recognizing the value someone has brought to your life, even if the relationship didn’t last in its original form. But many find it easier to take a simple and shallow walk away.
In queer communities, inviting exes to the wedding also aligns with broader cultural themes of acceptance and forgiveness. By keeping exes close, queer folks challenge the societal expectation that failed relationships must inevitably result in animosity or estrangement.
A Broader Cultural Shift
The inclusion of exes at weddings isn’t just a queer phenomenon; it also speaks to broader shifts in how society views relationships.
As traditional norms continue to evolve, more people are embracing the idea that relationships don’t have to fit neatly into predefined categories.
Queer communities have often led the way in challenging these conventions, demonstrating that love and connection can take many forms.
In this context, the presence of exes at a wedding becomes more than a quirky detail—it’s a statement about the power of community and the value of emotional growth. It’s a celebration of the idea that relationships, no matter how they evolve, are worth cherishing.
Redefining Love and Connection
The tradition of including exes in weddings is a uniquely queer take on love and community.
It reflects the core values of LGBTQ+ culture: fluidity, forgiveness, and the celebration of chosen families. It challenges societal norms about relationships, proving that even when love changes form, it doesn’t have to disappear.
As this behavior becomes more visible, it invites us all to reconsider what relationships can be. Queer communities remind us that love is rarely simple, but it’s always worth celebrating—even if it involves your ex standing at the altar.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Moore, M. R., & Stambolis-Ruhstorfer, M. (2013). The queer marriage conundrum: Intersecting norms and the making of gay weddings. Journal of Gender & Society, 27(4), 491–511. https://doi.org/10.1177/0891243213483891
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.
Personal Relationships. (2017). Study on LGBTQ+ relational dynamics and emotional openness. Personal Relationships, 24(4), 607–622. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12206
Weston, K. (1991). Families we choose: Lesbians, gays, kinship. Columbia University Press.
Weeks, J., Heaphy, B., & Donovan, C. (2001). Same sex intimacies: Families of choice and other life experiments. Routledge.