Narcissistic Gift-Giving: Why It’s Not About You (and Never Was)

Monday, November 18, 2024.

When the holidays roll around and that one friend or family member shows up with a gift that screams “Look at how amazing I am,” you might be dealing with a narcissist—but not just any narcissist.

Recent research published in the Journal of Personality reveals that the motivations behind narcissistic gift-giving are as complicated as the narcissists themselves.

Buckle up, because we’re diving into the wild world of narcissistic admiration, rivalry, and why some people just won’t bother to bring you a plant to your dinner party.

Two Faces of Narcissism: Admiration vs. Rivalry

Let’s get one thing straight: not all narcissists are created equal. According to study co-author Colleen P. Kirk, narcissism comes in two flavors:

• Narcissistic Admiration: These folks thrive on praise and being seen as the best. When they give gifts, it’s to dazzle the world with their generosity (or, more accurately, to dazzle themselves).

• Narcissistic Rivalry: These folks protect their fragile egos by putting others down and keeping relationships at arm’s length.

  Gift-giving? Threatening. Cozy feelings of closeness? No, thanks.

As Kirk puts it, these are “different strategies for achieving the same goal—reminding others how great they are.”

Narcissists and the Fine Art of Self-Promotion

In a series of studies, researchers explored how these two facets of narcissism play out in gift-giving. The results? If you’ve got an admirative narcissist on your hands, expect grand gestures. But if it’s a rivalrous narcissist, don’t hold your breath for even a birthday text.

Study 1: The Amazon Gift Card Dilemma

Imagine being asked whether you’d gift a $25 Amazon card to your best friend or keep it for yourself. Those scoring high on admiration tended to share the wealth, while rivalrous types opted to keep the card (and likely congratulated themselves on their savvy decision-making).

Study 2: Bringing Plants to a Party

Participants were asked if they’d bring a pot of plants to a dinner party. (Why plants? Who knows.) Again, admirative narcissists were more likely to bring the gift, basking in the glow of their perceived generosity, while rivalrous individuals decided a bare table was just fine.

The Psychology Behind Narcissistic Gifting

Here’s where it gets really interesting.

Admirative narcissists are motivated by communal values—at least on the surface. They’ll give gifts to prove loyalty, love, and trust. But let’s not get too excited. These gifts often double as tools for self-promotion. Customized presents that reflect deeply on the recipient? Not their jam. A shiny object that screams “I’m amazing”? Absolutely.

On the flip side, rivalrous narcissists view gift-giving as a threat.

Close relationships are already fraught for them, and gifts risk feelings of warmth and vulnerability. Even when presented with a foolproof Amazon wishlist, they’d rather skip the gifting altogether.

The Dinner Party Conundrum

One of the most eyebrow-raising findings was how social closeness changes the game.

Rivalrous narcissists were more likely to give gifts to acquaintances than close friends.

Why?

Because acquaintances don’t threaten their delicate egos. Close friends and family, however, might expect pesky things like emotional connection—a big no-no for these types.

Love Bombs and Crystal Glasses

Admirative narcissists also have a flair for the dramatic, sometimes engaging in “love bombing.”

Picture this: they shower you with elaborate, expensive gifts, but it’s not about you.

It’s about showing the world they’re the most generous person in the room.

The catch? These gifts are rarely personalized. A set of fine crystal glasses? Yes. Glasses engraved with your initials? Too much work, and not nearly enough opportunity for self-aggrandizement.

Key Takeaway… It’s About Them, Not You

Whether you’re showered with gifts or completely ignored, remember: it’s not personal. It’s narcissism.

Admirative narcissists want to shine, so their gifting is performative. Rivalrous narcissists see closeness as a threat, so they avoid gifting altogether.

As Kirk so eloquently puts it, “The narcissist wasn’t even thinking of you, so try not to take it to heart!”

Future Research: Beyond Birthdays and Holidays

While this study focused on general gift-giving behavior, there’s a lot more to explore.

How do narcissistic tendencies affect romantic relationships, parent-child dynamics, or workplace gifting?

Do these patterns hold up across cultures with different norms around generosity? Stay tuned, because the world of narcissistic consumer behavior is just getting started.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Kirk, C. P., Sedikides, C., & Givi, J. (2024). Just because I’m great (and you’re not): When, why, and how narcissistic individuals give gifts to others. Journal of Personality.