American Commitment: Aspirations, Anxieties, and the Problem of Idealized Love

Sunday, February 23, 2025.

In this post, we’re diving deep into the uniquely American take on relational commitment—a notion wrapped in the same aspirational rhetoric as the American Dream.

In the U.S., commitment is often painted as an epic journey toward a “perfect” partnership, full of promise and high expectations.

But does setting such lofty standards help or hinder lasting love? Let’s examine the research and explore whether American views on commitment are inherently problematic.

The Aspirational Nature of American Commitment

In American culture, commitment is frequently depicted as a grand, almost mythical adventure toward an ideal love story. Our movies, novels, and even viral memes sell us a vision of epic romance—one that promises soul-stirring devotion and a happily ever after. This aspirational ideal has deep roots in our cultural narrative; it inspires us to dream big about love.

Interestingly, while many critics point to the pitfalls of unrealistic standards, research by Gottman and Silver (1999) also acknowledges that it is these very high expectations—when shared and channeled constructively—that can and do serve as a foundational force in American marriages.

In their work, they note that couples who maintain a strong, positive vision for their relationship are often more committed to nurturing it day by day.

In other words, high expectations, when grounded in everyday acts of care, can energize partners to build what they believe will be a truly extraordinary union.

The Cultural Underpinnings of Commitment

American ideas of commitment are deeply entwined with individualism—a value that emphasizes personal achievement and self-expression.

Researchers Markus and Kitayama (1991) argue that in individualistic societies, the self is defined largely by personal choice. Here, commitment becomes a personal project: an intentional investment in a relationship that promises to enhance one’s happiness.

This contrasts sharply with more collectivist cultures, where commitment is often viewed as fulfilling family duty and shared obligations.

Triandis (1995) explains that in those settings, relationships are nurtured through a gradual, organic process of mutual support, rather than by chasing an idealized image of romance. The American focus on an inspired, mythic vision of love can, therefore, set a high bar that is challenging to meet in everyday life.

The Problematic Side of Idealized Commitment

While high expectations can serve as an inspirational force—as Gottman’s research suggests—they can also backfire if left unchecked:

• Unrealistic Standards:
  When commitment is defined by an almost cinematic ideal, everyday struggles and imperfections can feel like shortcomings. Research shows that couples who continually measure their relationship against an unattainable standard are more prone to disillusionment (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

• Neglect of the Everyday:
  The American ideal often glorifies dramatic, life-altering moments, overshadowing the small, everyday acts that truly build lasting bonds. Studies emphasize that it is these consistent, positive interactions that fill the emotional bank account necessary for enduring love.

• Cultural Myopia:
  While voices like Esther Perel’s highlight the tension between erotic freedom and long-term security, such perspectives reflect an urbane European perspective that might not resonate universally.

• In the USA, commitment is seen as a supportive framework rather than an obstacle to passion. Perel’s model, for instance, may overlook how some cultures embrace commitment as an essential foundation for trust and mutual support.

Research by Cherlin (2009) on American marriage trends further indicates that these high, sometimes idealized expectations can contribute to higher rates of marital dissatisfaction and divorce. This suggests that the very ideals we aspire to might partly explain the fragility of modern American relationships.

Final Thoughts

American commitment is a double-edged sword.

On one hand, our culture’s grand vision of love inspires us to pursue deeply transformative relationships.

On the other, these high expectations can set us up for disappointment when the everyday efforts toward love inevitably ebb.

While Gottman’s research extols the virtues of shared, aspirational ideals—if they are supported by daily acts of care—other studies remind us that an overemphasis on perfection may undermine the authentic, small moments that truly matter.

Ultimately, the key to lasting love may lie in balancing our high aspirations with the practical, genuine kindness that sustains relationships every day.

By recognizing that real love is built not on grand gestures alone but on the steady accumulation of everyday care, we can begin to bridge the gap between idealized commitment and genuine connection.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Cherlin, A. J. (2009). The marriage-go-round: The state of marriage and the family in America today. Knopf.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Markus, H. R., & Kitayama, S. (1991). Culture and the self: Implications for cognition, emotion, and motivation. Psychological Review, 98(2), 224–253.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York, NY: Harper.

Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. New York, NY: Ecco.

Triandis, H. C. (1995). Individualism & collectivism. Westview Press.