10 Signs Your Partner Isn’t Terribly Fond of You
Sunday, August 24, 2025.
First, let’s discuss what “fondness” actually is in American culture.
“Fondness and admiration” is Gottman’s unsexy name for the glue that keeps long-term love from drying out.
It’s not fireworks; it’s the everyday tone: the warm glance, the easy praise, the “I’m on your side.”
When fondness fades, couples don’t just fight more—they stop seeing each other as worth protecting. That’s the real danger.
Also: signals get scrambled. Depression, grief, ADHD, neurodivergent traits, chronic pain, trauma, meds, shift work, and plain old burnout can all mimic, or contribute to,“low fondness.”
So please read these signs with compassion and context:
Their eyes stop landing on you
The sign: The gaze turns practical.
The nuance: Eye contact varies by culture, neurotype, and fatigue. Some ND partners avoid sustained gaze to self-regulate; that’s not contempt.
American culture angle: The attention economy shreds eye contact. We’re trained to glance at rectangles, not faces. If you want more gaze, you’ll need more friction-free minutes without screens.
Your small stories bounce off a hard surface
The sign: You share a tiny win; it gets a shrug.
The nuance: Diminished responsiveness can be stress, not scorn. Ask when they’re most able to listen; protect that window.
Culture: U.S. hustle norms idolize “big news.” We undervalue micro-stories—the daily thread that weaves intimacy. Revalue the small.
Compliments evaporate
The sign: Admiration goes missing; corrections and criticisms tend to multiply.
The nuance: Some families treat praise like a rare spice. It’s learnable. Script one genuine compliment a day. Corny works.
Culture: American “radical candor” often becomes casual criticism at home. Build a bias toward appreciation.
Casual touch falls off a cliff
The sign: No shoulder squeeze, no hallway brush—just logistics.
The nuance: Sensory sensitivities, chronic pain, menopause, meds, or religious norms can curb touch without killing fondness. Ask about preferred touch.
Culture: We sexualize touch so hard that many couples stop using it for comfort. Reclaim non-sexual touch as everyday glue.
Small annoyances turn into character assassinations
The sign: You chew loudly; it’s a federal indictment.
The nuance: This is “negative sentiment override”—once fondness drops, everything is filtered as bad.
Culture: American perfectionism turns quirks into moral failings. Try curiosity: “What’s the story I’m telling myself about that?”
The future goes from “we” to “I”
The sign: Plans get singular: “my trip,” “my budget,” “my place.”
The nuance: They may be protecting autonomy if the relationship feels engulfing—or if financial precarity makes joint planning feel risky.
Culture: The U.S. promotes extreme individualism. Many partners were never taught how to dream jointly without self-erasure. You can learn.
Shared humor goes flat
The sign: The private jokes go dark or die.
The nuance: Humor dips under stress, sleep loss, or parenthood triage. Intentionally re-seed inside jokes—yes, you can do that on purpose.
Culture: Our irony-soaked media diets reward snark. At home, snark corrodes. Swap “zingers” for gentle play.
They stop defending you in small rooms
The sign: When others minimize you, they let it ride.
The nuance: Some freeze in conflict; others don’t notice the slights you feel. Name the moment, ask for specific support next time.
Culture: American workplaces reward “don’t rock the boat.” That habit follows people home. Practice low-drama loyalty scripts: “Hey—give them some credit. They did X.”
Sex turns mechanical—or Sorta disappears
The sign: Contact without closeness, or nothing at all.
The nuance: Libido is a thermometer for everything: meds, hormones, shame scripts, sleep, resentment. Fondness helps desire, but conflict repair and rest often help more.
Culture: We treat sex as final proof of love. It’s more often proof of bandwidth. Fix your day, and your night improves.
Your absence doesn’t register
The sign: When you leave for three days; the house plants show more longing.
The nuance: Some partners show missing via acts (tidying, errands) not words. Look for nonverbal signals before concluding “they don’t care.”
Culture: “No-drama” stoicism is prized. It’s also lonely. Teach each other how you like to be missed.
Before you diagnose “no fondness,” rule out these lookalikes, please:
Depression / anxiety / PTSD: Blunts expression and bandwidth.
ADHD / autism: Different eye contact, timing, sensory needs; affection may be in doing, not saying.
Sleep debt, shift work, caregiving burnout: Turns everyone wooden.
Grief or money fear: Americans carry heavy financial stress; it silences warmth.
Medication / menopause / chronic pain: Alters touch and mood.
If you nod to three or more above, pursue relief in parallel with relationship work.
The American culture problem (the water we swim in)
The “Suffocation” Model of Marriage: We expect one person to be best friend, cofounder, co-parent, therapist, and muse. That’s a city’s worth of needs in a studio apartment.
Deinstitutionalized Norms: With fewer shared scripts, couples must custom-build rules… while exhausted.
Limbic Capitalism & Attention Capture: Apps monetize your glance. Fondness requires un-monetized attention.
Therapy-Speak Drift: Labels (narcissist/avoidant/toxic) can reduce curiosity. Use them to understand patterns, not end the story.
Class and Time: Affection needs time; time costs money. Working-class couples are punished twice—less time, more stress.
None of this is destiny. But it’s the headwind your relationship is flying into.
If you recognize these signs: a humane repair plan
1) Run a “fondness audit” (3 minutes a day).
Write one specific admiration daily. Say it, text it, or leave it on a sticky note. (Specific beats poetic: “Thanks for calling my mother back.”)
2) Protect two tiny rituals.
A 10-minute morning check-in and a 10-minute evening debrief. Phones in exile. Repeat for 21 days before judging it.
3) Replace criticism with a micro-request.
From “You never listen” to “Could you put your phone down while I’m sharing this 2-minute story?”
4) Schedule conflict.
A weekly 30-minute “repair meeting” with a predictable script: appreciations → one issue → one request → next step.
5) Rebuild touch on easy mode.
Start with 20-second hugs and hand squeezes. Ask, “What touch feels good this week?”
6) Do an Attention Fast.
One tech-free hour, same time daily. If that’s impossible, start with 20 minutes after dinner.
7) Get help early.
Therapy isn’t for “when it’s burning down.” It’s the fire code. If money’s tight, consider brief, structured models (EFT/Gottman) or a focused coaching. I can help with that.
8) Name the cultural headwind—not each other as the enemy.
“We’re tired, broke, and distracted” is a more solvable problem than “you’re defective.”
When fondness really isn’t there
If your partner refuses accountability, ridicules your pain, stonewalls repair, or repeats betrayals—believe the data. Leaving can be an act of profound self-respect. Love is a feeling; fondness is a practice. If they won’t practice, you’ll run out of road.
Quick FAQ (because the internet, of course, will ask)
Can fondness come back?
Yes—often faster than you’d think—when you lower defensiveness, add admiration, and get consistent with tiny rituals.
What if my partner “isn’t affectionate by nature”?
Look for other channels: errands, fixing things, food, logistics. Teach each other translations.
How long should we try before deciding?
Give a structured plan 8–12 weeks. If there’s no movement—and no curiosity—reassess.
Final thoughts
Fondness isn’t glamorous. It doesn’t trend on TikTok, and it rarely shows up in rom-coms.
But it’s the quiet current that carries long-term love. In American culture — where marriages are expected to be best-friendships, co-parenting partnerships, economic alliances, and lifelong passion projects — fondness is the oxygen.
Without it, couples suffocate under the weight of expectations. With it, even ordinary days feel worth sharing. So if you notice fondness slipping, don’t shrug.
Name it, nurture it, fight for it. Because in the end, relationships don’t collapse from the absence of fireworks; they collapse from the absence of liking each other.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1–41.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (1995). The longitudinal course of marital quality. Psychological Bulletin, 118(1), 3–34.
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79–98.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.
Cherlin, A. J. (2004). The deinstitutionalization of American marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 848–861.*