Why Is My Husband Selfish in Bed?
Thursday, May 29, 2025.
It often doesn’t start as a complaint. It starts as a private ache, a sigh after another night of feeling like a prop in someone else’s movie. Eventually, it forms into a question:
Why is my husband selfish in bed?
It’s a powerful question—one that speaks to the gendered imbalance of emotional labor, the cultural conditioning of male sexual entitlement, and the quiet heartbreak of relational loneliness.
As a couples therapist, I can tell you: if you're asking this question, it doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're awake.
When Sex Feels Like a Chore—but Only for You
In heterosexual relationships, there is a well-documented orgasm gap. Research shows that women in long-term relationships have significantly fewer orgasms than their male partners (Frederick et al., 2017). This is not simply about technique. It's about attentiveness, curiosity, and whether your pleasure is even on the map.
Your husband may not be “selfish” in the cartoonish sense of the word.
He may genuinely believe he’s a good lover. After all, he showed up, right? He did the thing. What’s the problem?
But this is exactly the problem. When erotic connection becomes a transaction—he gets off, you get nothing but a sore jaw and unresolved grief—you’re not just dealing with sexual selfishness. You’re dealing with relational inequality cloaked in intimacy.
Beyond Perel: Intimacy as Labor, Not Mystery
Esther Perel’s groundbreaking work reframed modern sexuality as a dance between freedom and connection.
Her insight—that desire thrives on distance and unpredictability—helped many couples rethink erotic stagnation. But her emphasis on erotic novelty can sometimes feel tone-deaf to women who are still waiting for basic reciprocity.
Desire isn’t always about mystery. Sometimes, it’s about mutuality.
And if your husband hasn’t done the labor of learning your body, listening to your cues, or even asking what you want—he’s not erotically mysterious. He’s just emotionally lazy.
While Perel asks, “How do we keep desire alive in long-term relationships?”—your question is more foundational:
“How do I get him to notice that I’m here, with a body and a soul?”
Why Is He So Focused on Himself?
Let’s break down the usual suspects:
Sexual Entitlement
Many men are socialized to view sex as a right, not a relationship. If he was taught—by culture, porn, or even prior partners—that his arousal justifies immediate gratification, your pleasure may register as an optional extra. This isn’t malice. It’s a learned schema.
But left unchallenged, it’s also a form of intimate narcissism.
Fear of Feedback
Selfish lovers often flinch at correction. Research on male sexual insecurity shows that some men interpret sexual feedback as personal rejection (Birnbaum & Finkel, 2015). The result? They avoid asking, shut down when corrected, and double down on what used to work.
Attachment Avoidance
Emotionally avoidant men may keep sex performative and one-sided to protect themselves from vulnerability. They’re not trying to hurt you—they’re trying not to feel. But that strategy leaves you holding the emotional weight of connection.
Emotional Labor in the Bedroom
Here’s a nuance that often goes unspoken: for many women, even during sex, they’re still working.
Working to reassure, to moan on cue, to make him feel wanted, to suppress their own boredom, disappointment, or fury.
That’s not eroticism. That’s caretaking. And caretaking is libido-killing.
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild coined the term “emotional labor” to describe this quiet, exhausting work. In sex, emotional labor can look like:
Faking orgasms to preserve his ego.
Avoiding direct communication to prevent a shutdown.
Pretending to be satisfied so he can sleep.
These are survival strategies, not intimacy rituals.
Selfish in Bed, or Just Insecure?
Here’s a sliver of hope: not all selfishness is cruelty. Some of it is fear.
Many men use sex to validate their self-worth. They measure success in “performance,” not connection. If your husband has never been taught that your pleasure is central to his erotic identity, he may default to a script where he finishes and assumes you’re fine.
But fear is not an excuse. It’s a starting point for change.
Erotic Empathy: The Antidote to Sexual Selfishness
What’s missing in most one-sided sex?
Erotic empathy—the ability to imagine, attune to, and prioritize another’s pleasure as deeply as one’s own.
Erotic empathy doesn’t mean guessing. It means asking, observing, staying present even when things are awkward or confusing.
The couples who thrive sexually long-term are not the ones with the most tricks—they’re the ones with the most mutual curiosity (Kleinplatz et al., 2009).
If He Refuses to Change
Here’s the raw truth: some men don't want to grow. They resent feedback, mock therapy, and expect gratitude for mediocrity.
If your husband is unwilling to:
Read about female pleasure,
Ask what you like,
Go slower,
Prioritize your arousal,
Or even consider that your sexual disappointment matters…
...then you’re not just dealing with selfishness. You’re dealing with sexual entitlement bolstered by relational cowardice.
Rebuilding (If You Want To)
If you see a glimmer of growth potential, start here:
Have a direct conversation: “I want sex to be more mutual. Can we talk about what I need?”
Name the imbalance without blame: “I’ve noticed I often finish unsatisfied.”
Frame this as a shared project: “I’d love to discover more about what we both enjoy.”
And if you want help, don’t hesitate to contact a certified sex therapist or couples therapist who specializes in sexual dynamics. Real change is possible—but only if both people are willing to do the work. If you reach out to me through this website, I can refer you to some top notch sex therapists.
What To Do If You're the Selfish Lover
If you’re reading this because your partner sent it to you, first of all—don’t panic. This isn’t an indictment. It’s an invitation.
Sexual selfishness doesn’t always come from arrogance. Often, it comes from ignorance, anxiety, or outdated scripts. You may think you’re a good lover because you try hard, last long, or watch her face during missionary. But being "good in bed" isn’t about technique—it’s about relational presence.
Here’s what to reflect on:
Have You Asked Lately?
When was the last time you asked what your partner actually enjoys? Or if she even wants what you’re doing? Asking is sexy. Not asking is just... memorized friction.
Are You Goal-Oriented?
Many men pursue orgasm like a finish line. But great sex isn’t a race—it’s a shared improvisation. Focus on process, not outcome.
Do You Flinch at Feedback?
If you’re defensively shutting down, she’s shutting down too. Be curious, not crushed. Your partner wants to be part of your growth—not your judge.
Are You Giving Emotionally, Not Just Physically?
Your body isn’t the gift. Your attention is. Emotional presence during sex is what turns technique into meaning.
The Emotional Labor of Sex: Women Share Their Stories
Sex can be pleasurable. But for many women, especially in long-term heterosexual relationships, it becomes work. Emotional labor work.
One woman told me: “I fake orgasms not to stroke his ego—but to end it. If I don’t perform satisfaction, he feels wounded, and I’m stuck holding his shame.”
Another said: “He wants sex when he’s relaxed. But he doesn’t ask what I need to feel safe enough to want it.”
This invisible labor includes:
Performing arousal
Suppressing disinterest
Managing his moods post-coitus
Guiding without bruising his ego
Women shouldn’t have to choose between honesty and harmony.
The solution isn’t more effort—it’s more equity. Erotic fairness begins when both people care equally about emotional load, not just physical access.
Erotic Empathy: A Better Framework for Mutual Pleasure
Erotic empathy isn’t just about doing what your partner wants. It’s about noticing what they feel. It’s an advanced practice of attention.
Components of Erotic Empathy:
Curiosity Over Assumption
Ask, don’t guess. Don’t conflate what worked with an ex—or in year one—with what she needs now.Emotional Regulation
Erotic empathy means staying open even if you hear, "Slower," "Less pressure," or "That’s not it." You can’t access empathy if you’re flooded with shame.Aesthetic Joy
Erotic empathy delights in your partner’s pleasure. Her moan isn’t just feedback—it’s music. His gasp isn’t just success—it’s shared experience.Interoception and Attunement
This is the quiet superpower: noticing her breath, micro-reactions, shifts in tension. That’s what great lovers track—not porn scripts.Erotic empathy is a skill.
It can be taught, practiced, and refined. It’s the difference between sex that is done to someone and sex that is shared with someone.
Final Word: You’re Not Asking for Too Much
You’re not “needy.” You’re not “hard to please.” You’re asking for shared joy, embodied respect, and reciprocal eroticism.
And if your husband isn’t ready to learn how to offer that, the next question becomes:
How long do I want to keep sleeping next to someone who doesn’t care if I’m awake?
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Birnbaum, G. E., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). The magnetism that holds us together: Sexuality and relationship maintenance across relationship development. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 29–33.
Frederick, D. A., St. John, H. K., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2017). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46, 2203–2219.
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Bérubé, J., Campbell, M., & Mehak, L. (2009). What makes great sex? Describing the “best” sexual experiences of university students and older adults. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(3), 89–101.
McCarthy, B. W., & Wald, L. M. (2013). Rekindling desire: A step-by-step program to help low-sex and no-sex marriages. Routledge.
Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.
Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., Kraus, A., & Klann, E. (2016). Pornography consumption and satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Human Communication Research, 42(3), 315–343.