What Makes Women Trust a Partner? It’s Not “I Love You,” Study Finds

Sunday, September 7, 2025.

We’ve all heard it: “Actions speak louder than words.”

A new study in Evolutionary Psychological Science suggests that this old line still carries weight—especially for women (Shu & Zeng, 2025).

Men, it turns out, are more likely to be moved by words like “I love you” or “I miss you.”

Women, by contrast, put more stock in sweet actions—those everyday gestures like making a meal, running an errand, or quietly folding the laundry without being asked.

Why? Because actions say you’re dependable in a way words alone can’t.

Sweet Words vs. Sweet Actions

The researchers looked at two common ways people show affection:

• Sweet Words: “I understand you,” “I miss you,” or encouragement after a hard day.

• Sweet Actions: tangible gestures—helping with chores, picking up medicine, cooking dinner.

Across three experiments with more than 500 heterosexual Chinese adults, women consistently rated actions as more attractive, trustworthy, and relationship-worthy. Men leaned more toward words, or sometimes didn’t show a strong preference at all (Shu & Zeng, 2025).

This lines up with John Gottman’s (1999) reminder that it’s the “small things often”—little daily gestures of care—that build a lasting relationship. Words matter, but deeds carry more staying power.

Why Women Want Proof, Not Promises

Evolutionary psychology offers one explanation. Historically, women bore higher reproductive costs, so choosing a partner who would reliably stick around was critical.

• Words Are Too Easy. They can be spoken without any follow-through.

• Actions Take Conspicuous Effort. They’re harder to fake and demonstrate real investment.

For women, actions say, “I can count on this person.”
For men, verbal affection may feel like clearer confirmation of interest in the early stages of dating (Buss, 2019).

And as linguist Deborah Tannen (1990) has long pointed out, men and women relate to conversational dynamics differently. Men may hear words as reassurance or information. For women, the alignment between word and deed is what builds trust.

How the Study Was Done

The study rolled out in three parts:

• Study 1: Participants imagined different scenarios—comforting words after a bad day versus someone quietly doing the laundry. Women rated actions higher; men leaned toward words.

• Study 2: The study subjects chose between two partner profiles: one “good with words,” the other “good with actions.” Women consistently went for the doer, and rated them as warmer and more trustworthy. Men? Neutral.

• Study 3: Same setup, sharper measures. Same results: women preferred the action-oriented partner.

Notably, how people usually expressed affection themselves didn’t explain their preferences. It wasn’t about habit—it was about what actually made them feel secure.

What the Study Doesn’t Tell Us

There are limits here:

• These were imagined scenarios, not real-life couples navigating bills and bedtime.

• All participants were Chinese, and cultural norms around affection vary. What works in Shanghai may not look the same in San Francisco (Fiske & Taylor, 2017).

• The study didn’t factor in attachment style (Fraley & Shaver, 2000) or relationship history, both of which shape how people interpret signals of care.

Even so, the pattern was striking: women trusted deeds more than declarations.

What This Means for Real Life

If you want to come across as relationship material, don’t just say the right thing—do the right thing.

Bring soup when she’s sick. Start the coffee before she wakes up. Carry the groceries without being asked.

Sweet words will always matter (especially to men, apparently). But if you’re looking for love that lasts, remember this: affection isn’t proven in poetry—it’s proven in the laundry.

FAQ: Sweet Words vs. Sweet Actions

Do women prefer words of affirmation or acts of service?
This study suggests women often place more value on actions—especially small, reliable gestures of care. That doesn’t mean words don’t matter, but actions tend to carry more weight when it comes to trust and long-term commitment.

Are men more verbal in relationships?
Not necessarily. Men may simply find verbal affection more reassuring in the early stages of dating. Cultural norms and personal attachment styles also play a huge role.

How does this connect to the “love languages” idea?
Gary Chapman’s love languages include both “words of affirmation” and “acts of service.” This research echoes the utility of the Love Languages framework, but adds a scientific twist: women may naturally be more tuned to actions as signs of reliability, while men may interpret words as quicker proof of romantic interest.

Does culture change this pattern?
It’s possible that it can. This study focused on Chinese participants, where cultural norms around affection differ from Western contexts. Future research will need to test whether women in other societies lean as strongly toward actions.

Final thoughts

At the end of the day, love isn’t measured by how many times you say “I love you”—it’s measured by how often you roll up your sleeves and show it.

Words light the spark, but actions keep the fire going. So yes, whisper sweet nothings—but also take out the recycling.

Don’t underestimate the power of the little things: the coffee made just right, the surprise load of laundry, the gestures that speak volumes without a single syllable. In the end, affection isn’t proven in poetry—it’s proven in practice.

And if you and your partner can’t seem to get the words and the deeds lined up? That’s where therapy comes in.

I can’t fold your laundry, but I can help you stop arguing about it.

Get in touch with me and let’s make sure your actions and your words are finally on the same page.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

References:

Buss, D. M. (2019). Evolutionary psychology: The new science of the mind (6th ed.). Routledge.

Fiske, S. T., & Taylor, S. E. (2017). Social cognition: From brains to culture (3rd ed.). SAGE.

Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.

Shu, X., & Zeng, J. (2025). Who favor sweet actions over sweet words more—females or males? Evolutionary Psychological Science. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40806-025-00456-7

Tannen, D. (1990). You just don’t understand: Women and men in conversation. Ballantine.