The Spirit of Intimacy, an Appreciation of Sobonfu Somé
Thursday, August 15, 2024.
The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships by Sobonfu Somé is not just a book; it is an invitation to step into a worldview that is profoundly different from the Western paradigm.
In 1999, Sobonfu Somé, a respected spiritual teacher from the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso, offered her readers a rare and profound insight: a glimpse into the deep spiritual traditions of her people, particularly as they relate to intimacy, relationships, and community.
This book is more than a guide; it’s an ambitious challenge to how we understand and experience connection in all its forms.
Understanding Intimacy: A Sacred and Communal Act
At the heart of Somé’s teachings is the understanding that intimacy is sacred. Here are some of her essential ideas in her own words:
A Song of the Spirit
Intimacy, in its broadest sense, is like a melody of the spirit, beckoning two individuals to unite and share their inner selves. It’s a tune that no one can turn away from. Whether awake or asleep, in solitude or among others, we cannot ignore its call.
The Embrace of Community
Community represents the spirit and the guiding force of the tribe, where individuals come together with a shared purpose: to help each other achieve their goals and to care for one another.
The community’s mission is to ensure that every voice is heard and that each person has the opportunity to share the unique gifts they bring to this world.
Without this exchange, the community withers. And without the community, the individual loses a place to contribute. It’s within the community that people can share their gifts and receive from others in return.
Born for a Purpose
When two people enter into marriage and cultivate a deep connection, there is a longing to open themselves up for new souls to enter, creating a safe and sacred space for spirits ready to share their gifts and fulfill their purpose.
In our village, it is said that children do not fully belong to the parents who brought them into the world. While they have come through their parents, they belong to the community and the spirit.
Initiation: The Path to Knowledge
From birth, children in our village are introduced to the concepts of intimacy and ritual. As they grow, it becomes essential for them to develop a deep understanding of these aspects of life. During initiation, elders guide the youth into a deeper comprehension of intimacy, sexuality, and ritual, ensuring they are prepared for what lies ahead. This way, they do not stumble blindly into the unknowns of adulthood and risk harm.
Marriage: The Union of Two Worlds
Marriage is the union of two souls into a single entity, distinct yet united. It is a means of merging two people’s gifts to enhance and elevate them. It acknowledges that they are embarking on a journey that transcends both themselves and the tribe.
Conflict: A Spiritual Gift
Conflict arises from the challenges presented by the spirit. It is a gift, intended to propel us forward. Through conflict, we gain deeper insights into ourselves and discover new ways to utilize our gifts.
A Communal Conception of Intimacy
In contrast to the Western notion of intimacy as primarily romantic or sexual, the Dagara people view intimacy as a fundamental part of life that touches all relationships—whether they are between lovers, friends, family, or community members.
Somé explains that intimacy is not just about the closeness between two individuals; it’s about their relationship to the larger cosmos, including the community, the ancestors, and the spiritual world.
This broader concept of intimacy as communal rather than merely personal challenges the often individualistic approach to relationships found in many Western societies.
In Somé’s view, the health of an intimate relationship is deeply interconnected with the health of the community. The community plays an active role in nurturing and supporting the relationship, recognizing that the couple’s bond is not an isolated entity but a part of the larger social fabric.
This communal perspective is one of the most significant contributions of The Spirit of Intimacy. It suggests that relationships do not thrive in isolation but need the active engagement of a supportive community.
In Western societies, where the nuclear family and personal independence are often emphasized, this idea might seem foreign, if not ridiculous.
However, Somé’s teachings challenge us to consider the consequences of isolating our relationships from the broader community and to reflect on the potential benefits of re-integrating community support into our intimate lives.
The Role of Ancestors: An Unbroken Connection
Another cornerstone of the Dagara tradition, as presented by Somé, is the vital role that ancestors play in maintaining the spirit of intimacy.
For the Dagara people, the ancestors are not distant figures from the past but active participants in the lives of the living. They are seen as a source of guidance, protection, and wisdom, helping folks navigate the complexities of relationships and life in general.
This concept of ancestors as active spiritual entities offers a stark contrast to the Western approach, where the dead are often remembered through ceremonies and memorials but are not considered to have an ongoing role in the lives of the living.
Somé’s teachings encourage readers to reconnect with their ancestors, not just to honor the past but also to draw on the spiritual resources that are available to them in the present. This reminds me of some of the ideas found in Family Constellation Therapy.
The practice of engaging with ancestors is deeply tied to the idea of continuity and connection across time.
It suggests that our relationships are not just about the present moment but are part of a longer, unbroken chain that includes those who came before us.
This perspective can be profoundly healing, especially in a world where many people feel disconnected from their roots and heritage. By acknowledging the presence and influence of ancestors, Somé invites us to expand our understanding of intimacy to include these spiritual connections.
Rituals: Reclaiming the Sacred in Relationships
Rituals are a central theme in The Spirit of Intimacy, serving as tools to deepen and maintain connections within relationships.
Somé emphasizes that in the Dagara tradition, rituals are not just symbolic acts; they are powerful practices that help to align folks with the spiritual forces that support their relationships. These rituals can be as simple as daily acts of mindfulness and gratitude or as complex as community ceremonies involving many participants.
One of the key insights from Somé’s discussion of rituals is the idea that relationships require continual nurturing and renewal. In many Western cultures, the beginning of a relationship is often marked by rituals such as weddings, but there is little emphasis on the ongoing need for ritualistic practices to sustain the relationship. Somé argues that without these regular rituals, relationships can become stagnant or disconnected from their deeper spiritual purpose.
The Spirit of Intimacy is a Conscious Awareness
For the Dagara, rituals are also a way of making the invisible visible, bringing the spiritual dimension of relationships into conscious awareness.
By engaging in rituals, individuals and communities affirm their commitment to the relationship and invite the participation of spiritual forces in their lives. This approach encourages readers to think about how they might incorporate rituals into their own lives to nurture and sustain their relationships, whether those rituals are drawn from their cultural traditions or newly created to meet their unique needs.
Community: The Bedrock of Intimacy
Somé’s ideas underscore the importance of community as the foundation of intimate relationships.
In the Dagara worldview, community is not just a backdrop for personal relationships; it is an active participant in their success.
This perspective contrasts sharply with the Western ideal of the self-sufficient couple, where privacy and independence are often prioritized over communal involvement.
In the Dagara tradition, the community is seen as a living entity that provides the necessary support, wisdom, and resources for relationships to thrive.
When a couple faces difficulties, they don’t isolate themselves but turn to the community for guidance and assistance.
This collective approach to problem-solving ensures that relationships are not just the concern of the individuals involved but are recognized as integral to the health and well-being of the entire community. In the West, we might deem this as toxic enmeshment.
This communal perspective also extends to the upbringing of children, who are considered the responsibility of the entire community rather than just their parents.
Somé’s teachings suggest that the community's involvement in raising children strengthens the bonds between community members and ensures that children grow up with a deep sense of belonging and connection.
This idea challenges the often-isolated approach to parenting found in many Western societies and invites readers to consider the potential benefits of a more communal approach.
Spiritual Guidance: Aligning with the Divine
At the core of The Spirit of Intimacy is the idea that relationships are not just human endeavors but are deeply connected to the divine.
Somé teaches that for relationships to thrive, they must be aligned with spiritual principles and guided by the wisdom of the spiritual world. This alignment is achieved through rituals, community involvement, and a deep connection with the ancestors.
Somé’s emphasis on the spiritual dimension of relationships invites readers to consider how they might bring a greater sense of sacredness into their own relationships. This might involve creating rituals, seeking guidance from spiritual traditions, or simply being more mindful of the spiritual aspects of their connections with others. By encouraging a deeper spiritual engagement, Somé offers a path to greater intimacy that goes beyond the physical and emotional to include the spiritual.
Final thoughts
The Spirit of Intimacy is a deeply transformative book that challenged me to rethink their understanding of intimacy, relationships, and community. It challenges me still.
It’s also intriguing how Sobonfu Somé’s ideas, rooted in the ancient wisdom of the Dagara people, might offer a powerful antidote to the often-isolated and individualistic approach to relationships found in many Western cultures.
The importance of community, ancestors, and spiritual alignment is neglected in the West. Does ancient wisdom provide a roadmap for creating more meaningful and spiritually enriched relationships?
These ideas stand in stark contrast to the forces of Cultural Narcissism, don’t they?
If you’re willing to engage with these notions, The Spirit of Intimacy offers a profound opportunity to deepen your understanding of intimacy and to transform your relationships into more sacred and communal experiences.
Somé’s wisdom is not just about intimate relationships, she also grapples with how we live our lives and connect with the world around us. It is a book that has the potential to change not only how we relate to others but how we understand our place in the cosmos.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Somé, S. (1999). The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships. William Morrow Paperbacks.
