So, You Want to Live Apart Together in New York? Love Without the Subway-Sized Closet Fights
Thursday, March 6, 2025. This is also for Kelly & Ben.
New York—where love stories are as diverse as the skyline, rent is astronomical, and the subway tests even the strongest relationships.
Here, Living Apart Together (LAT) isn’t just a quirky relationship style; it’s often a practical necessity.
You love your partner, but you also love your space.
You want intimacy without arguing over thermostat settings or whose turn it is to take out the trash.
And guess what? That’s not just okay—it might be the secret to a thriving relationship.
Welcome to LAT in New York, where love isn’t measured in shared square footage, but in intention, connection, and choice.
New York: A Perfect Place for LAT
If any place is built for LAT relationships, it’s New York. Why?
Real Estate is Brutal – Want to live together? Great! That’ll be $5,000 a month for a shoebox with a window facing a brick wall. LAT allows couples to be together without making extreme housing sacrifices.
Careers Come First – With long work hours and demanding industries, some New Yorkers prefer relationships that don’t require a shared living space.
Independence is a Core Value – New Yorkers are used to navigating life solo, from catching a cab in the rain to carrying six bags of Trader Joe’s groceries up a five-floor walk-up. LAT fits seamlessly into a culture that values autonomy and ambition.
What the Research Says About LAT Relationships
LAT isn’t just some modern whim—it’s a relationship style backed by social science. Studies have found that:
✅ LAT partners report higher satisfaction than cohabitating couples because they avoid household conflicts. (Strohm et al., 2009)
✅ Older adults are more likely to embrace LAT to maintain financial independence and personal routines. (Wu, 2019)
✅ Women, in particular, find LAT relationships empowering, allowing them to maintain careers, social lives, and autonomy.
✅ LAT fosters long-term desire and appreciation—the same principle that makes long-distance relationships passionate applies here. (Levin, 2004)
In a place like New York, where space is tight and ambition runs high, LAT might just be the ultimate relationship hack.
How New York Law Treats LAT Couples
New York has no laws requiring couples to live together to be considered in a committed relationship. However, there are some legal nuances worth considering.
Married, But Living Apart? You Might Need a Legal Separation.
Here’s a crucial point. New York is one of the few states that officially recognizes legal separation. If you’re married but want to live apart while staying legally connected, a separation agreement can help define:
Financial obligations (who pays for what)
Spousal support (if applicable)
Property arrangements
Parental responsibilities (for couples with children)
Legal separation preserves benefits like health insurance but can also serve as a stepping stone to divorce if the relationship later dissolves.
Unmarried LAT Couples: Protecting Your Rights
If you’re in a committed LAT relationship but aren’t legally married, there are some legal and financial safeguards you might want to consider:
A Cohabitation or Financial Agreement – If one partner helps the other financially (e.g., paying part of their rent, covering bills), a written agreement protects both people in case of a breakup.
Estate Planning & Medical Rights – LAT partners don’t automatically have the right to make medical or financial decisions for each other unless a healthcare proxy or power of attorney is in place. If you want your partner to have any say in your care, you’ll need to put it in writing.
Joint Property Ownership – If you buy a property together while maintaining separate residences, make sure the legal ownership structure is clear to avoid issues later.
While New York law doesn’t penalize LAT relationships, having legal agreements in place ensures both partners are protected—because love is great, but the legal system doesn’t care about romance.
Making LAT Work in New York: What Successful Couples Do
LAT isn’t just about logistics—it’s about building a strong relationship while maintaining independence. Here’s how couples in New York make it work:
Communication is Key
When you don’t see each other every day, staying connected takes effort. Successful LAT couples prioritize:
📅 Scheduled Quality Time – Weekly date nights, weekend sleepovers, or planned trips help keep intimacy strong.
📱 Daily Check-ins – A quick text, FaceTime, or even voice memos keep couples connected.
💬 Clear Expectations – How often will you see each other? Are there rules about staying over? LAT works best when both partners agree on the structure.
Keep the Romance Alive
One of the biggest advantages of LAT is that it keeps relationships fresh—but only if both partners nurture intimacy.
Make time for physical connection (even if it means planning overnights in advance).
Surprise each other with small gestures—thoughtful texts, handwritten notes, or spontaneous outings keep things exciting.
Use LAT to fuel desire—absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Resolve Conflict the Right Way
LAT eliminates many household-related arguments, but disagreements still happen. The key to resolving them in a LAT setup? Intentional conflict resolution.
Decide in advance how to handle conflicts – Text, phone call, in-person?
Give each other space if needed – LAT allows couples to step back, process emotions, and come back to the discussion with clarity.
Use separate spaces as an advantage – Instead of fighting over the thermostat, you can simply return to your own place.
Where to Find Other LAT Couples in New York
New York has a vibrant community of people in non-traditional relationships. Whether you want to connect with other LAT couples or seek professional support, here are some great places to start:
Meetup Groups & Online Forums – Search for LAT communities on Meetup.com or Reddit to find people living the same lifestyle.
Therapists Who Specialize in LAT Relationships – Some relationship counselors focus on helping LAT couplesnavigate intimacy, commitment, and boundaries. Try searching for “LAT relationship therapy NYC.”
Co-Parenting Resources – If you’re raising kids separately, New York offers parenting programs to help navigate co-parenting while maintaining separate residences. (NYC.gov Parent Resources)
Debunking LAT Myths: What People Get Wrong
❌ "LAT means you’re not really committed."
💡 No—it means you’re deliberately committed. LAT couples actively choose each other every day.
❌ "LAT is just a stepping stone to breaking up."
💡 Actually, studies show LAT partners often report higher satisfaction than cohabiting couples.
❌ "LAT is too expensive."
💡 In places like New York, LAT is clearly a lifestyle for power couples who have no intention of giving up financial independence. This is not a lifestyle overly preoccupied with economic considerations. This is a quality of life choice.
Final Thoughts: A Love Story Without a Shared Lease
Living Apart Together isn’t a lack of commitment—it’s a conscious choice to build a relationship that fits your life.
New York has always been a place where people pursue big dreams while making room for love.
LAT allows you to have both—intimacy without compromise, commitment without cohabitation.
So if you’re considering LAT, embrace it. Keep your own place. Cherish your independence. And love your partner—not because you have to, but because you choose to.
Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about where you live. It’s about how you love.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Bowman, C. G. (2020). Living apart together: Legal protections for a new form of family. New York University Press.
Bowman, C. G. (2017). How should the law treat couples who live apart together? Family Court Review, 55(3), 478–492. https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=3048340
Levin, I. (2004). Living apart together: A new family form. Current Sociology, 52(2), 223–240. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011392104041809
Strohm, C. Q., Seltzer, J. A., Cochran, S. D., & Mays, V. M. (2009). "Living apart together" relationships in the United States. Demographic Research, 21, 177–214. https://www.demographic-research.org/articles/volume/21/7/
Wu, H. (2019). Conceptualizing LAT relationships among unmarried older adults in later life. Population Association of America 2019 Annual Meeting. https://paa2019.populationassociation.org/uploads/191317
DePaulo, B. (2019, May 25). Couple-ish: Living alone, having a partner. Psychology Today.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-singlehood/201905/couple-ish-living-alone-having-a-partner