Self-compassion… German researchers say couples therapists should teach it… Really?
Monday, March 4, 2024.
A study finds that embracing self-compassion in romantic relationships increases couples' happiness.
The research involving 209 heterosexual couples reveals that men, in particular, experience greater relationship satisfaction when their partners exhibit self-compassion…
This quality enhances individual well-being and positively impacts the partner’s happiness.
Dr. Robert Körner, the study’s first author, said:
“Self-compassion is the act of having a caring, kind and attentive attitude towards oneself—especially with regard to your own shortcomings.
We found that one’s ability to react compassionately to one’s own inadequacies, suffering and pain in the relationship benefits both members of the couple.
In this way, an actor’s self-compassion not only improves their own happiness, but also their partner’s.”
What is the Happiness Formula for Successful Intimacy?
For the study, the couples being studied were given a comprehensive survey, which explored various aspects of their relationship satisfaction, such as their sexual contentment and how they perceived the long-term viability of the relationship.
They were also asked about relationship-specific self-compassion, recognizing that humans may exhibit varying levels of self-compassion in different spheres of their lives.
The results ultimately revealed that relationship-specific self-compassion was linked to our own degree of relationship satisfaction as well as our partner’s — especially for men.
Dr Nancy Tandler, study co-author, explained that the study’s focus on both individuals in a romantic relationship is a departure from previous research:
“So far, studies have mainly been conducted that relate to one person in the relationship.
We interviewed both people in the romantic relationship.”
But how do we learn self-compassion?
Self-compassion can be cultivated and learned by considering how you treat loved ones and comparing it to how you treat yourself.
According to these researchers, the results of the current study can be particularly useful for couples therapy, as self-compassion can be taught. I’ll be exploring this idea in an upcoming post.
For example, when experiencing failure or personal inadequacy, a great hack that a couples therapist might offer you is to ask… "How would you behave towards a boyfriend or girlfriend if he or she were in such a situation?" You could then apply this type of care to yourself.
Final thoughts
The researchers offer that sometimes, we are kinder and more forgiving to others… than we are to ourselves.
They claim that applying generosity of spirit to our own selves benefits not only our personal well-being but also our relationships.
As the old saying goes, you must learn to love yourself before loving others. This was a European study. We don’t have that problem here, LOL. But that takes me to my critique. I believe this was a culture-bound study.
But seriously, I think this might be an example of culture-bound research. Recent research I wrote about last summer said that German women with the highest marital satisfaction were introverted and conscientious. This suggests laboratory conditions for tendencies toward perfectionism and striving. It makes sense that women who had these traits and didn’t take themselves so seriously had better marital outcomes.
The researchers suggested that further research should also consider same-sex relationships, neurodivergent couples, and international couples in particular, because expectations of romantic relationships can differ depending on culture, relationship model, sex and gender roles. That makes perfect sense to me if a lack of self-compassion was a huge problem, which, frankly… it is not.
Dr. Tandler summed it up:
“In addition to the substantive findings, we conclude that it is important to consider the interrelationship between the relationship partners to understand the full potential of self-compassion as a resource for happy relationships.”
Forgive me for being skeptical.
But another, completely different take on this research is that men appreciate when their partners are able and willing to self-soothe and emotionally regulate, and relieve them of the inordinate responsibility of soothing them more often than they are comfortable doing so.
The politics of soothing between partners is pervasive and epic. All couples therapists know that, but many researchers don’t.
I suspect it’s that simple… and these researchers are measuring that sense of relief in one partner because of the skill of self-soothing demonstrated by the other, … and they call it “self-compassion.”
I might be wrong here, but I suspect they’re catching something uniquely German. The women in this study display introversion, conscientiousness, self-awareness, and the ability to self-soothe… it’s decidedly not American.
I always find it fascinating, and sometimes regretably amusing when social science researchers suggest what we ought to do in couples therapy.
I suppose teaching self-compassion in couples therapy might occasionally be useful in the USA (like being bi-lingual in Klingon), but I don’t feel that we Americans suffer from an overwhelming lack of self-compassion as a reoccurring presenting problem in couples therapy. Just sayin’…
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Körner, R., Tandler, N., Petersen, L.-E., & Schütz, A. (2024). Is caring for oneself relevant to happy relationship functioning? Exploring associations between self-compassion and romantic relationship satisfaction in actors and partners. Personal Relationships, 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12535
