How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Partner’s Mental Illness: A Modest Guide for the Tender, the Tired, and the Trying

Friday, July 4, 2025.

Let’s not sugarcoat this: Parenting in 2025 is already hard.

Now try parenting while your partner is cycling through depression, or struggling with panic attacks, or sobbing quietly in the bathroom while your kid finishes their math homework at the kitchen table.

You love your children. You love your partner.

But when the weight of mental illness seeps into your daily life like a fog that doesn't lift, you start asking yourself impossible questions:

“Should I tell them?”
“What if I say the wrong thing?”
“Are they already scared?”
“Am I failing them?”

Here’s the good news, friend: You are not failing.

You’re in the thick of a very human story—one in which truth, care, and gentle honesty can do a lot more good than silence ever could.

First, Some Sobering Truth: Our Kids Are Not Immune

The science is unequivocal. Since the 1990s, research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) has told us that what kids live through matters.

Abuse, neglect, parental addiction, incarceration—and yes, parental mental illness—can shape long-term outcomes. Not in a “you’re doomed” way, but in a “this needs attention” way (Felitti et al., 1998).

In a sweeping new study from the CDC, Dr. Elizabeth Swedo and her team (2024) found that 28% of high school students reported living with a parent who had severe depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or another mental illness.

That's more than one in four. Girls reported this more often (36%) than boys (22%), and those numbers don’t account for the many families who never talk about it.

So yes, this matters. But the question isn’t just does it matter? The question is: What can we do about it?

Let’s go there—awkward, lovingly, and without jargon.

Seven Ways to Talk to Your Kids About Their Parent’s Mental Illness (Without Making Them the Family Therapist)

1. Start Small, Speak Plainly, and Don’t Pretend They Don’t Notice

Kids are spooky-good observers. They might not know what “bipolar disorder” means, but they definitely know when a parent disappears under the covers for days or yells at the dog for breathing too loudly.

You don’t need a script. You need a tone that says, “I trust you with the truth—but not more than you can carry.”

Say things like:

• “Daddy is really sad right now. It’s not your fault, and he loves you even when he’s quiet.”

• “Mom’s brain is sick, like how some people have sick hearts or stomachs. But there’s help.”

Then pause. Let them ask. They will. Usually in the car.

2. Be the Listener-in-Chief

When kids talk, listen like you’re sitting in front of a prophet.

Resist the urge to fix, explain, or defend. If they say, “I hate Dad when he’s like this,” try replying with: “That’s a big feeling. I’m glad you shared it with me.” They’re testing the emotional ground beneath their feet. Show them it won’t collapse.

The goal here isn’t to have The Talk. It’s to have 100 small talks, over years. Maybe while folding socks. Maybe while they’re eating dry Cheerios out of a mug.

3. Invite the Ill Parent Into the Conversation…When It’s Safe and Right

This one’s delicate.

If your partner is deep in psychosis, paranoia, or unsafe behavior, you may need to talk to the kids alone. That’s not betrayal—it’s protection.

But if your partner is stable, lucid, and willing, invite them in.
Let the child ask questions. Let the parent answer imperfectly. Model courage, not perfection.

Kids need to know: “My parent isn’t just their illness. They’re also showing up, trying, being human.”

4. Say the Hope Part Out Loud

Mental illness can be brutal—but it’s not hopeless. Your kids deserve to hear that.

Try this instead:

• “Doctors and scientists are working every day to help people like Mom feel better.”

• “Lots of families go through this. We’re not alone.”

• “It’s not your job to fix this. It’s our job to take care of each other.”

You’re not selling sunshine. You’re anchoring the ship in something steadier than chaos: care, connection, and forward motion.

5. Be Honest About Their Risk—But Hand Them the Steering Wheel

Teenagers are famous for one question: “Am I going to end up like that?”

And you might be tempted to say, “Of course not!” But science (and teenagers) prefer nuance.

The truth: Yes, mental illness can run in families.
The bigger truth: So does resilience.

Let them know:

• Exercise, sleep, food, relationships, and therapy all shape mental health.

• They can learn to recognize early signs in themselves.

• They are not doomed by their DNA.

Tell them they are not alone. Then show them how not-alone feels: by being beside them.

6. Don’t Hand Them the Steering Wheel of the Household

Kids helping around the house? Fine.
Kids becoming your emotional support animal? Not fine.

There’s a term for it—“parentification”—and it sounds noble until you see an 8-year-old skipping recess to remind Dad to take his lithium.

Let your child help in age-appropriate ways. But make it clear: You are still the grown-up.

Their job is to be a kid. To learn, to laugh, to screw up. Not to become a live-in crisis counselor.

7. Watch Their Screens, Not Just Their Faces

Let’s be real. If you don’t talk to your kid about mental illness, YouTube will.

And TikTok. And Reddit. And probably some meme involving SpongeBob having a panic attack.

So go ahead—get nosy.

Ask what they’ve seen. Google it together. Help them sort helpful from harmful.

And if they’re ready for more? There are good books out there. Thoughtful guides. Even comic books.

Talking to Your Kids About Your Partner’s Mental Illness: A Gentle Conversation Checklist

Use this guide as a warm, practical companion for navigating complex conversations with your children.

BEFORE YOU START

☑ Check your own emotional state
Take a deep breath. You don’t need to be perfect—just calm enough to be present.

☑ Choose the right time
Avoid moments of crisis. Aim for quiet time when everyone’s rested and not rushing.

☑ Prepare one or two talking points
Keep your message short and simple. Think: "Mom is having a hard time. She's getting help. It's not your fault."

DURING THE CONVERSATION

☑ Use age-appropriate language
Break it down. "Dad's brain gets sick sometimes. But we’re getting help."

☑ Be honest, but not overwhelming
You can say "depression" or "anxiety," but avoid graphic or frightening details.

☑ Reassure them it's not their fault
Kids often blame themselves. Be clear: "You didn't cause this."

☑ Invite their questions
Leave space for: "Do you want to talk more about it?" or "What are you wondering?"

☑ Validate their feelings
Whatever they say—sad, mad, confused—is welcome. "It makes sense you feel that way."

☑ Stay hopeful
"We have help. We’re a team. It’s going to get better."

AFTER THE CONVERSATION

☑ Follow up gently
Bring it up again later. Repeat the message in small ways over time.

☑ Watch for changes in behavior
Withdrawal, mood swings, or trouble in school may be signs they need more support.

☑ Offer healthy coping tools
Ideas: journaling, art, talking to a school counselor, family walks.

☑ Let them be kids
They don’t need to be caretakers. Keep their life as normal as possible.

☑ Seek help if needed
It’s okay to bring in a child therapist or family counselor. You don’t have to do this alone.

SOME IDEAS ON WHAT TO SAY (SCRIPTS)

• "You may have noticed that Dad has been really tired and quiet lately. That’s because he’s dealing with something called depression. It’s something a lot of people go through."

• "Mom is having some hard days. It’s not because of anything you did. We’re getting help, and she loves you very much."

• "You might feel angry, sad, or even confused. Those are all okay. I’m here if you ever want to talk."

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES FOR KIDS & TEENS

• Wishing Wellness by Lisa Clarke (workbook)

• I’m Not Alone by Sherman & Sherman (teen guide)

• KARE: The Magazine for Young Caregivers (free PDF)

You are doing something brave. You are showing your child that love can stay present even when life gets hard.

Final Thoughts

You’re not perfect. You’re just trying to love your child and your partner without losing yourself in the process.

That’s more than enough.

You don’t need to have the answers. You just need to be willing to show up, speak the truth gently, and listen like it matters.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., ... & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.

Swedo, E. A., Kite-Powell, A., David-Ferdon, C., Leeb, R., & Holland, K. M. (2024). Adverse childhood experiences and youth mental and behavioral health: Findings from the Youth Risk Behavior Survey, United States, 2021. CDC.

McCabe, S. E., McCabe, V. V., & Schepis, T. S. (2025). Parental substance use and youth outcomes: A review of contemporary epidemiological evidence. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 66(1), 1–12.

Sherman, M. D., & Sherman, D. M. (2024). I’m not alone: A teen’s guide to living with a parent who has a mental illness or has experienced trauma (2nd ed.). Seeds of Hope Books.

Villatte, A., Piché, G., & Habib, R. (2020). When your parent has a mental illness: Tips and testimonies from young people. Université du Québec en Outaouais: LaProche Laboratory.

Clarke, L. (2006). Wishing wellness: A workbook for children of parents with mental illness. Magination Press.

Boucher, V., & Fitzpatrick, O. (n.d.). KARE: The magazine for young caregivers. AMI Quebec. https://olivergfitzpatrick.wordpress.com/portfolio/kare-the-magazine-for-young-caregivers/