How to Get a Long-Distance Relationship to Work: The Science

Wednesday, August 14, 2024.

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) present a unique set of challenges that can test even the strongest bonds.

However, the notion that distance is inherently detrimental to a relationship is increasingly being challenged by social science research.

In this deep dive, we'll explore the critical factors that make long-distance relationships not just viable but potentially even stronger than geographically close relationships.

Let’s examine the underlying psychological and relational dynamics in play that inform how couples can develop strategies that turn distance into an advantage.

The Psychological Impact of Distance on Intimacy

One of the most intriguing findings in the study of LDRs is the way distance influences intimacy. Jiang and Hancock's (2013) research reveals that LDR couples often report higher levels of intimacy compared to those who live closer together. This phenomenon can be attributed to the heightened effort couples must invest in communication.

When separated by distance, partners are more likely to engage in deeper, more meaningful conversations that foster a sense of emotional closeness. This contrasts with the often superficial interactions that can occur when couples see each other frequently but fail to engage on a deeper emotional level.

Moreover, the anticipation of reunions creates a psychological state where partners idealize each other and the relationship itself.

This idealization, while potentially problematic in the long term if not managed carefully, can provide a temporary boost to relational satisfaction. Stafford and Merolla (2007) argue that this idealization is a double-edged sword: it can enhance feelings of love and connection, but it can also lead to disappointment if the reality of being together does not meet the heightened expectations.

Communication Strategies: Beyond Frequency

Effective communication is often cited as the cornerstone of successful LDRs, but it’s not just about how often couples communicate—it's about how they do it. The frequency of communication is less important than the quality of those interactions. As Stafford (2010) notes, couples who engage in "ritualistic" communication—such as texting good morning or good night—might maintain a sense of daily presence, but this alone does not sustain intimacy.

Instead, what matters more is the content of the communication. Deep, reflective conversations that explore each partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences are critical. These exchanges create a shared narrative that strengthens the bond between partners, making the relationship more resilient to the stressors of distance.

According to Jiang and Hancock (2013), couples in LDRs often engage in more self-disclosure, sharing intimate details that they might not feel compelled to share in a geographically close relationship. This heightened self-disclosure can significantly contribute to a stronger emotional connection.

Furthermore, couples should diversify their communication methods to include video calls, which allow for nonverbal communication, as well as written communication, which can be more thoughtful and reflective. The strategic use of these different forms of communication can help maintain a dynamic connection that mimics the variety found in face-to-face interactions.

The Role of Trust and Commitment

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship, but it becomes especially crucial in an LDR. The lack of physical proximity can exacerbate feelings of insecurity, making trust even more essential. Purnell and Schanz (2011) emphasize that trust is not just about believing your partner won’t cheat; it’s also about trusting that your partner is emotionally committed to the relationship and invested in its future.

Building trust in an LDR requires intentionality. Regularly discussing your relationship's future, sharing daily experiences, and being transparent about your feelings can all contribute to a strong foundation of trust. These practices help partners feel more secure, reducing the anxiety that can arise from the physical separation.

Commitment, too, is a crucial factor. Research by Sahlstein (2006) shows that couples who have a clear, mutually agreed-upon plan for their future are more likely to succeed. This plan might include decisions about when and how to close the distance, what compromises each partner is willing to make, and how the relationship will evolve over time. Without such a plan, the uncertainty can lead to increased stress and potential conflict.

Coping with the Emotional Challenges of Distance

The emotional toll of an LDR can be significant, but it is not insurmountable. The key is to develop effective coping strategies that address the unique stressors of long-distance relationships. One of the most common challenges is managing loneliness and the longing for physical closeness. Maguire and Kinney (2010) suggest that couples should acknowledge these feelings rather than suppress them. By openly discussing their emotions, partners can support each other and find ways to mitigate the effects of loneliness.

Regular visits are another important coping mechanism. Although frequent visits may not be feasible for all couples, planning visits in advance gives both partners something to look forward to, which can alleviate some of the emotional strain. These visits serve as a reminder of the physical connection that underpins the emotional bond, reinforcing the relationship’s stability.

Additionally, couples can engage in "shared activities" even when apart. This might include watching a movie together online, playing a game, or even cooking the same meal simultaneously. These activities help create shared experiences that mimic the feeling of being together, which can strengthen the relationship.

The Paradox of Independence and Interdependence

LDRs often force couples to balance independence with interdependence in ways that geographically close relationships do not. On the one hand, the physical separation necessitates a degree of independence. Partners must learn to navigate their daily lives without the immediate presence of the other, which can foster personal growth and self-sufficiency.

On the other hand, the success of an LDR depends on the partners' ability to maintain a sense of interdependence despite the distance. This means staying emotionally connected, making joint decisions, and maintaining a shared vision for the future. Sahlstein and Dun (2004) argue that this paradox—where independence and interdependence coexist—is one of the unique strengths of LDRs. When managed well, it can lead to a relationship that is both resilient and deeply connected.

Final thoughts

Long-distance relationships are undoubtedly challenging, but they also offer unique opportunities for growth, both individually and as a couple.

At the end of the day, it’s a dance. By prioritizing meaningful communication, building trust and commitment, developing effective coping strategies, and embracing the paradox of independence and interdependence, couples can turn the challenges of distance into opportunities for a deeper, more resilient relationship.

The key to making an LDR work lies in understanding and addressing the psychological and emotional dynamics that distance introduces. Armed with insights from social science research, couples can navigate these dynamics with greater confidence, turning their long-distance relationship into a source of strength and connection.

REFERENCES:

Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2001). Patterns of communication channel use in the maintenance of long-distance relationships. Communication Research Reports, 18(2), 118-129.

Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556-577.

Maguire, K. C., & Kinney, T. A. (2010). When distance is problematic: Communication, coping, and relational satisfaction in female college students' long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 38(1), 27-46.

Merolla, A. J. (2012). Relational maintenance and non-cohabiting romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(5), 711-735.

Purnell, J. Q., & Schanz, K. (2011). Long-distance relationships: Attraction, maintenance, and satisfaction in geographically distant relationships. The Journal of Social Psychology, 151(5), 1-20.

Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making plans: Praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty-certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 147-165.

Sahlstein, E. M., & Dun, T. J. (2004). "I wanted time to myself and he wanted to be together all the time": Constructing breakups in long-distance dating relationships. Communication Studies, 55(4), 331-346.

Stafford, L. (2010). Geographic distance and communication during courtship. Communication Research, 37(2), 275-297.

Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(1), 37-54.