When a Smile Isn’t Returned: How Parental Responses During Conflict May Predict Suicidal Thoughts in Adolescent Girls
Thursday, May 15, 2025.
Some of the most important moments in parenting don’t happen during vacations or milestone birthdays.
They happen in the split-second exchange of a glance during conflict.
A new study published in Development and Psychopathology reveals that how a parent responds nonverbally to their daughter during emotional conversations may quietly shape her mental health — even her risk for suicidal thoughts — in the months to come.
It turns out that not making eye contact, or failing to reciprocate a smile during heated discussions, can matter more than any lecture or advice ever could.
The Study: Micro-expressions, Macro-Consequences
Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh followed 129 girls between the ages of 11 and 13, most of whom showed traits like shyness and fearfulness — known markers of vulnerability for depression. The girls and their parents were asked to participate in a standardized conflict discussion called the “Hot Topics” task, where they rehashed a real disagreement while researchers watched.
But this wasn’t just any family therapy session with a clipboard.
The girls wore mobile eye-tracking glasses, while facial recognition software analyzed every fleeting smile or averted gaze.
The goal: to map, second-by-second, how much connection was happening — or not — during emotionally difficult moments.
Then the researchers waited.
A year later, they checked in with the girls to see who had experienced suicidal ideation — thoughts such as “life is not worth living” or “I thought about killing myself.”
The chilling result? Girls whose parents did not return their gaze or reciprocate happy expressions during the conflict discussion were significantly more likely to report suicidal thoughts 12 months later.
And this was true even after controlling for depression and anxiety. This wasn’t just a case of already-depressed kids feeling worse — it pointed to something deeper: a breakdown in connection when they needed it most.
Why Eye Contact and Facial Expression Matter
At first glance, this might sound like basic emotional etiquette.
Make eye contact. Smile when someone smiles at you.
But in adolescence, these gestures are more than just manners — they’re the building blocks of social safety.
When a parent mirrors a child’s smile or gaze during conflict, the child’s nervous system receives a message: You’re seen. You’re safe. You still matter. When those signals go missing — especially during stressful moments — the absence can reinforce feelings of rejection, alienation, or shame.
As study author Dr. Kiera M. James explains, “These fine-grained social interaction processes, like eye-gaze and facial expressions, play an important role in how close or connected youth feel to the person with whom they are interacting.” And that sense of closeness is one of the strongest known buffers against suicide.
When Parents Smile, But Don’t Connect
Strangely, the study found something even more complicated: Parents of girls who later reported suicidal thoughts were more likely to maintain smiling expressions during the conflict.
That might seem good — a smile in the storm.
But in this context, it may signal a mismatch — a kind of emotional tone-deafness.
If a parent keeps smiling while their child is hurt, upset, or trying to reach out, it can land as dismissive, cold, or confusing.
It’s not —it’s the attunement that matters.
A smile that doesn’t match the emotional weight of the moment can feel like disconnection dressed as warmth. It may reinforce the very feeling adolescents fear most in moments of vulnerability: “You don’t get me.”
This emotional mismatch — the parent holding a cheerful expression while the child is distressed — may unintentionally communicate detachment, or worse, invalidation.
In a moment when a teen is reaching for reassurance, this kind of misattuned behavior can deepen feelings of aloneness. And for adolescents who already struggle with sensitivity to rejection or emotional dysregulation, these moments may quietly compound risk.
Beyond the Questionnaire: Why This Study Is Different
Most research on adolescent suicidality relies on surveys and self-reports — valuable, but prone to blind spots.
Teens (and parents) may not fully recognize or report how they interact in real life, especially when emotions run high.
What I truly appreciate is that this study did something rare: it measured behavior directly, second-by-second, using objective tools. It captured the kinds of interactions that unfold beneath awareness — the reflexive glance, the unconscious smile, the moment of hesitation that says more than words ever could.
And by revisiting the participants a year later, the researchers could look for predictive patterns, not just retrospective correlations.
They were asking: Can these tiny social signals forecast who’s at greater risk for suicidal ideation?
The answer seems to be yes.
The Power of Micro-Repair
While the findings are sobering, they also carry hope. If something as basic as returning a glance or a smile can influence a teen’s internal sense of safety, then interventions don’t need to be elaborate or high-tech. They need to be attuned.
Parents, therapists, and teachers can be trained to recognize and respond to subtle bids for connection, especially during conflict. These micro-interactions — mutual eye contact, mirroring positive affect, showing responsiveness — can act as micro-repairs to the social bond, even during difficult conversations.
In the words of Dr. James:
“Our findings suggest that parental effort to match their child’s body language really matters. Youth whose parents were less likely to reciprocate their efforts to make eye-contact — or exchange a smile — were more likely to report higher levels of suicidality a year later.”
Cautions and Next Steps
This was a pilot study, and its limitations matter.
The number of girls who reported suicidal ideation was small.
Only girls were studied, so it’s unclear whether the same findings apply to boys or nonbinary youth. And the study focused on suicidal thoughts, not intent or attempts.
Still, this research is part of a growing effort to identify early, behavioral markers of suicide risk — subtle clues that may emerge long before a teen says out loud what they’re feeling inside.
Dr. James is currently expanding this work with support from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, studying higher-risk populations to better understand which social connection processes matter most — and how to strengthen them.
How Parents and Therapists Can Foster Attunement During Conflict
If moment-to-moment behaviors during conflict can influence a young person’s long-term mental health, what can caregivers and clinicians do differently? The good news is that fostering emotional attunement doesn’t require expensive tools — just intentional presence, awareness, and practice.
Below are practical strategies for parents, therapists, and caregivers to strengthen emotional connection during conflictual interactions with adolescents:
Practice “Responsive Mirroring”
What it is: Subtly reflecting your child’s facial expression, posture, or tone of voice.
Why it helps: Mirroring creates a sense of being emotionally “with” the teen. It doesn’t mean mimicking distress, but showing that you are resonating at the same emotional frequency.
How to do it: If your child is anxious and talking quickly, slow your pace just slightly. Nod. Echo a key word or two. This helps them feel heard without escalating tension.
Make and Maintain Eye Contact (Without Staring Them Down)
What it is: Looking at your child with soft, sustained attention.
Why it helps: Eye contact signals safety and engagement. Avoiding it during conflict may feel like rejection.
How to do it: Use relaxed, open eyes. Break and return gaze naturally. For neurodivergent teens who may find eye contact overstimulating, focus on gentle presence instead of intensity.
Respond to Emotional Bids (Even if They're Wrapped in Sass)
What it is: A teen may roll their eyes and say, “You never listen,” but underneath is a plea: “I need you to understand me.”
Why it helps: Recognizing and responding to these bids with curiosity, not criticism, helps preserve connection even when emotions run hot.
How to do it: Try: “Help me understand what you mean,” or “I can tell that really matters to you.” Don’t correct — connect.
Validate Without Agreeing
What it is: Acknowledging your child’s feelings even if you disagree with their perspective.
Why it helps: Validation soothes the nervous system. Teens don’t need you to fix their feelings — just honor them.
How to do it: Say, “I can see why that felt unfair,” instead of, “That’s not what happened.” Agreement isn’t required; presence is.
Repair After Rupture
What it is: Conflict happens. It is inevitable. What matters is what comes next.
Why it helps: Repair builds resilience and teaches teens that relationships can survive hard moments.
How to do it: Circle back after things calm down. “I wish I had stayed calmer. I was upset, but I care about what you were trying to say.” These small gestures have enormous protective power.
For Therapists: Supporting Parent-Teen Attunement in the Room
Consider using video playback (if consented) to show parents nonverbal patterns of disconnection or missed bids.
Coach micro-interventions in session: roleplay moments of conflict, helping parents practice facial expression mirroring, open body language, and eye contact.
Model co-regulation for parents: narrate the process of staying grounded and present even when emotion is high.
Final Thoughts: The Quiet Power of Being Seen
In a world that’s loud with alerts, schedules, and distractions, it can be easy to miss the quiet moments that shape our children’s sense of worth.
This study is a powerful reminder that what we do in the middle of conflict — whether we meet their eyes, whether we mirror their emotions, whether we see them — might matter more than what we say afterward.
Connection isn’t built in calm. It’s built in rupture, and in whether we reach back when our children reach out — even with a look.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
James, K. M., Kaurin, A., Lint, A., Wert, S., McKone, K. M., Hutchinson, E. A., Price, R. B., Ladouceur, C. D., & Silk, J. S. (2024). Girls with higher levels of suicidal ideation experienced less parental reciprocity of eye-contact and positive facial affect during conflictual interactions: A pilot study. Development and Psychopathology. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579424000135