Emotionally unavailable men and the Guy Code…
Thursday, April 18, 2024.
The Problem of Emotionally Unavailable Men…
Every woman has probably experienced a man they were dating suddenly get cold feet and wondered if he were one of those emotionally unavailable men.
“Let’s cool it for a while…” “Let’s not see each other so often.”
Only a month ago, he was the one who set up every get-together. Then, the change comes.
He wants you when it is convenient for him but refuses engagements you look forward to.
He couldn’t wait to touch you. Now, he looks at other women the same way.
He breaks dates to work longer hours or hang out with his friends.
He tells you “I’m bad at relationships” or “I’m not the marrying type of guy.”
Being emotionally available is not just about sharing his emotions. Many good men can talk enthusiastically about their feeling about their favorite sports figure or hated politician.
It’s the process of sharing emotions about his everyday life, his dreams of the future, and his deepest fears and uncertainties.
It’s his willingness to stay with his own (and your!) “negative” emotions like sadness, anger, or fear, instead of leaving the room, solving it before he mentions it to you, or trying to sort it out for you.
The science behind emotionally unavailable men
What is the science behind emotionally unavailable men? Some thought leaders have endorsed the idea that gender is only a social construct. Supporters of this argument tell us that differences in behavior between husbands and their spouses are entirely social conventions. This argument conveniently ignores the stack of neuroscience which proves that men and women are fundamentally different.
But they have a point. The problem of emotionally unavailable men does starts with a social construct. We now call this problem Masculine Gender Role Stress (MGRS). MGRS is the bind that men experience when they try to keep faith with the ways of being a “Man” that they learned growing up that doesn’t work out so well in real adult life (Moore & Stuart, 2004).
The theory of MGRS describes a “boy code” (Pollack, 2006), which requires them to display problem-solving skills, strength, boldness, achieve a high peer-status, and curb the expression as well as the experience of vulnerability, affection, and need for others (Wexler, 2009).
Pollack suggests that the problem with emotionally unavailable men begins with the socializing experience of this “boy code” defense mechanism.
The code shames boys to an extreme position of “self-containment, toughness, and separation.”
In other words, the relational potential of the emotionally unavailable man is often thwarted in childhood.
Emotionally unavailable men neither started that way nor “decided” to withdraw. Emotionally unavailable men were shamed into discounting their vulnerabilities and emotional needs, ironically at a point in their human development when they needed to access their emotional needs most (Wexler, 2009). Or they may be clinically depressed.
This “boy code” morphs over time into a “guy code.” Young men often have a deep struggle because as they mature, they encounter situations with attractive others where they will confront feelings of sadness, need, or desire and feel overwhelmed and unprepared, having only their problematic “guy code” to guide them.
Feelings of failure
The problem of emotionally unavailable men starts with the feelings of intense pressure and feelings of failure that men report where their intimate relationships hit a rough patch.
Moore and Stuart did a study in 2004 that looked closely at men who were particularly faithful to the “guy code.” They found that these type of men displayed aggressive and angry feelings when in conflict with their partners.
Research by Levant et al. (2006) tells us that boys who embrace the “boy code” not only learn to faithfully restrict their emotional expression, but their developing brains eventually become unable to reliably recognize the presence of emotions and needs.
They feel good about adhering to the code, and it shapes them for future struggles in a long-term relationship. Men don’t decide to become emotionally unavailable, and not all emotionally unavailable people are men.
The problem for men is that when they marry, emotionally unavailable men enter into a set of relational expectations for which they may be poorly equipped. A loving relationship requires a man to listen, express empathy, and discuss their feelings. Consequently, over time, his love life suffers due to his failure to connect emotionally..
After he falls in love, his socialization fails to adequately prepare this type of man for the stress of intimacy. He tend to withdraw and shut down, at precisely the moment when he need to lean in and step up.
14 signs that a man is emotionally unavailable
You can’t read him at all. His face seems devoid of expression.
When you ask him what he is feeling, he struggles to answer, or dismisses the question.
He never consider your feelings. And when you complain, he protests that you are “too emotional.”
He doesn’t ask questions about what you may be thinking or feeling.
You feel like something’s missing within him.
He seem distant and cold when you are emotionally upset with him.
He acts way too cool, as if having feelings is an annoying but preventable fact of life.
He is defensive, and gets angry quickly when you want to talk about “feelings”
He would rather be in pain than be vulnerable.
He is remarkably incurious about himself and you as well.
He wants attention and validation and praise, because his self-worth is always contingent on the approval of others.
He can be sarcastic and dismissive.
He prefers sexual intimacy to emotional intimacy.
When things are not going well between you, he avoids you by working longer hours, staying away from home, keeping secrets, and avoiding having to deal with you.
Emotionally unavailable men shut down and withdraw…
Gottman’s groundbreaking research in the early 90’s recognized that stonewalling and emotional withdrawal are highly toxic behaviors that can stress healthy relationships to the breaking point.
Gottman discovered through close physiological measurements that the detached and indifferent demeanor of men in conflict with their spouses was not the whole story. The cognitive dissonance between what was expected of them and their “guy code” manifested in physiological stress.
And there were physiological changes, too. Their blood pressure and heart rate soared much higher than their spouses and remained higher after the conflict much longer. The shutdown and withdrawal was not indifference, it was in fact, the opposite.
It was a futile attempt to manage a raging inner turmoil that men often cannot even find the words to describe, even if they wanted to…which they don’t. They suppress the emotional experience, shut down, and withdraw because they are overwhelmed…not because they don’t care.
How men are betrayed by the “guy code…”
The “guy code” teaches men that their self-worth is found in their ability to solve problems and execute their family responsibilities flawlessly. Accomplishing these goals makes men feel good about themselves.
The more they buy into the “guy code,” the more they resist acknowledging the reality of perpetual problems. Their spouse’s chronic unhappiness deeply undermines their sense of agency and self-worth. Matters are made worse when they see working with a life coach or marriage counselor as wasting their time.
Problems are supposed to be confronted, sorted out, and solved. It proves you aren’t “Man” enough to handle them if they linger. Men in the throes of the “guy code” are often resistant to “therapy” or even the word “therapy.”
Corporate America knows that when HR wants to encourage an awareness of the importance of managing workplace stress, you better call it “executive coaching,” not “stress reduction therapy” (McKelley & Rochlen, 2010).
“All-purpose couples therapists” often fail to assess how deeply a husband is grounded in his family-of-origin “Guy Code” and fail to establish a therapeutic bond. You motivate these guys to work in couples therapy by emphasizing pragmatic skill-building that will help both spouses better understand each other and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Is it normative male alexithymia? or is that just a bullsh*t slam on men?
It’s useful to think of the “guy code” as resulting in what therapists call “normative male” alexithymia. It’s the legacy of the code.
This type of man can be highly motivated and often responds well to couples therapy. However, they need a science-based couples therapist's reliable support and validation.
We direct these men to notice… notice their wives' facial expressions while concurrently seeing their own physiological responses.
We help them understand how they miss each other and express what is in their hearts and minds.
These men realize that their wives tend to feel more anxious, marginalized, and angry when they shut down (Johnson, 2004). We help wives notice that their husbands are not as indifferent as they appear to be and that they feel overwhelmed, helpless, and numb in the face of their anger.
The irony is that the vast majority of these emotionally unavailable men genuinely love and cherish their wives and are extremely upset (perhaps even too angry) to witness their distress.
They take it as a personal failure.
They weren’t good enough to solve the problem. If only they only were, they might be able to “solve” their “problem.”
Deep down, they often believe that if they had been a “better man,” then this problem would have gone away by now.
In science-based couples therapy, they are encouraged to reflect on their attachment to the “guy code.” In contrast, their couples therapist expands on their desire to acquire the practical skills to help them connect more deeply with their partner.
“One could argue that what today’s men need is more encouragement to enhance one side of the masculine virtues – the dignity, responsibility, self-control, and self-reliance – while inhibiting others, such as machismo, violence, and the drive for dominance.” Thomas B. Edsall.
Things to remember if you love an emotionally unavailable man…
He has to want to be Emotionally Available. So do you.
This kind of change is inner-directed. He needs to be aware that he is emotionally unavailable to you, and he has been willing to work on it with you. He’s going to have to take a hard look at himself and what he is risking by continuing to be emotionally disconnected from you.
Ask Him to Do Couples Therapy With You…
Science-based couples therapy can help the emotionally unavailable man unpack what is missing without him feeling shame or blame. Perhaps his biggest fear is “being ganged upon.” It’s a reasonable fear. Show him this article. Tell him that you understand that he is the way he is through no fault or decision of his own. And most of all, tell him that you love him and you believe in him.
You Have to Be Patient…
If he wants to change, he may not know how. You might need some science-based couples therapy to help him sort it out. But expect him to be willing to take some action. He knows he needs to work at it if he wants it. Be patient with his efforts to figure it out. Praise him when you see him making an effort.
Be a Cheerleader for Positive Change…
I can’t emphasize this enough so I will repeat it.
Keep a positive outlook. Encourage him. Smile. Laugh. Wives sometimes forget how vulnerable, tentative, and conditional it is to be a man today.
Nobody told you when you were growing up to change your behavior and “be a woman.”
Understand that you are asking him to do something that isn’t easy. He may be resistant because he doesn’t want to admit that the doesn’t know how to start.
Be specific about what you need. Try to be concrete about what works for you, and what efforts would be most appreciated. Try to be patient with the fact that he needs direction, but be positive and encouraging.
You’re asking him to grow and model healthy growth for your children. So feed and water his efforts. Put him in the sunshine of your love. Praise and guide him. He needs it, and you will both be grateful for the result.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
