Co-Parenting for the Hopeful, Parallel Parenting for the Realists
Friday, July 25, 2025.
You meant to co-parent. You really did.
You read the blogs. You downloaded the apps.
You attended a “Parenting After Divorce” workshop with complimentary lukewarm coffee. And then reality arrived—wearing your ex’s face.
Every email became a trap. Every pickup a cold war.
You found yourself debating whether “Thanks for the update” was passive-aggressive or just aggressive-aggressive.
Welcome to the moment many parents reach: the one where co-parenting becomes aspirational and parallel parenting becomes necessary.
What Is Co-Parenting—And Why Doesn’t It Always Work?
Co-parenting is the post-divorce fantasy of teamwork. You both attend school conferences. You agree on routines. You share bedtime strategies and debate screen time limits like seasoned diplomats.
This works well when:
Communication is calm.
Emotional wounds are mostly stitched up.
Both parents are invested in shared decision-making.
But when one or both of you still feel betrayed, triggered, or quietly homicidal, co-parenting quickly collapses under the weight of unresolved grief and ego friction.
As Saini, Drozd, and Olesen (2016) point out, high-conflict parents cannot co-parent effectively without harming the child. Collaboration without emotional regulation is just mayhem in cargo pants.
The unfortunate fact is that far too many American families suck at co-parenting.
Parallel Parenting: The Off-Ramp from Ongoing War
Parallel parenting is not a failed co-parenting plan. It’s a different species altogether.
Instead of harmony, it offers only stability. Instead of emotional repair, it offers emotional insulation. It's how two people who can’t share a sentence can still somehow share a child.
It’s built on structure, not sentiment:
Communication is limited and written.
Parenting time is clearly delineated.
Decision-making is split or legally clarified.
Parallel parenting is, in essence, trauma-informed co-parenting—built for families where trust is gone, wounds are fresh, and exposure is harmful.
Signs You're Ready for Parallel Parenting
You may not need a custody evaluator to tell you it's time to switch gears. Some common signs:
You feel dread before every interaction.
Your child appears anxious after transitions.
Email chains escalate into emotional flashbangs.
Your therapist keeps repeating, “You cannot change them. Only manage your reaction.”
According to McIntosh et al. (2010), structured parenting plans with reduced interaction lead to more emotionally stable children when parents exhibit ongoing hostility.
It’s not ideal—but it’s safer.
Will It Always Be Like This?
No. But also—perhaps
Some couples eventually grow into functional co-parents.
Time, science-based couples therapy, and emotional distance work wonders.
Others maintain parallel parenting until the kids are grown, then retreat into permanent silence, interrupted only by occasional awkward wedding receptions.
Don’t treat parallel parenting as failure. Treat it as containment.
You’re not avoiding growth—you’re preventing fallout. Bauserman (2002) showed that children in joint arrangements, even minimally collaborative ones, fare better when conflict is reduced.
How to Begin the Shift
Create a Detailed Parenting Plan
Include everything: schedules, holidays, medical decision-making, extracurriculars, and dispute resolution. The more detailed, the less guesswork—and the fewer excuses to contact each other.Choose Your Communication Tool
Use court-approved platforms like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents. These create time-stamped records and eliminate the “he said/she said” fog of war.Stick to the Plan, Not the Emotion
Parallel parenting only works when both parties follow the structure like it’s gospel, even when they’re annoyed, tired, or feel justified in bending the rules.Seek Third-Party Support
In high-conflict situations, neutral professionals (parenting coordinators, family therapists, mediators) can help de-escalate conflict and keep the plan on track.
Final Note for the Realists
It’s okay to grieve what could have been. It’s okay to feel bitter, bruised, or exhausted.
You didn’t get the parenting experience you hoped for. But you got this one—and this one still matters.
You can be the kind of parent who builds peace from silence. Who shows up when it's inconvenient. Who puts structure where chaos used to live.
Parallel parenting is not a failure.
It is, in its own way, a weird kind of faith: faith that love can be delivered without drama, that stability can grow from the ruins, and that a child can thrive even when the adults cannot share a sentence.
And I think that’s something worth believing in.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bauserman, R. (2002). Child adjustment in joint-custody versus sole-custody arrangements: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 16(1), 91–102. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.16.1.91
McIntosh, J., Smyth, B., & Kelaher, M. (2010). Parenting arrangements post-separation: Patterns and developmental outcomes for infants and children. Australian Government Attorney-General's Department.
Saini, M., Drozd, L., & Olesen, N. (2016). Parenting plan evaluations: Applied research for the family court. Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/med:psych/9780199396580.001.0001