Surviving the Emotional Rollercoaster: Life as the Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents

Friday, August 16, 2024. This is for VK in Vancouver.

Growing up is supposed to be about gaining wisdom, independence, and a sense of identity. But what if your parents never quite got the memo?

For many adult children of emotionally immature parents, life feels less like a Hallmark movie and more like a never-ending episode of Survivor—with fewer immunity idols and more emotional booby traps.

Emotionally immature parents might seem like they’re stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence, even if they’re rocking AARP memberships.

These parents often struggle with basic emotional regulation, exhibit impulsive behavior, and possess a worldview that can be charitably described as self-centered.

The result? A childhood filled with uncertainty, inconsistency, and, let's face it, a lot of awkward family dinners.

Emotional Immaturity 101: What Does It Look Like?

Emotionally immature parents come in a variety of flavors, but their behavior tends to follow a similar script.

According to Dr. Lindsay Gibson, a psychologist and author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, these folks are often egocentric, lack empathy, and exhibit extreme emotional volatility. Think of them as the emotional equivalent of a car with no suspension—every bump in the road feels like an earthquake.

This emotional instability can manifest in different ways. Some parents might be overly controlling, micromanaging their children’s lives with the precision of a drill sergeant.

Others might swing to the opposite extreme, acting more like a buddy than a parent, expecting their children to shoulder adult responsibilities far too early. Either way, the message is clear: you’re not getting the nurturing and supportive upbringing that you need to develop into a well-rounded adult.

The Psychological Toll: Navigating a Maze of Confusion

The psychological impact of being raised by emotionally immature parents is profound.

Dr. Susan Forward, in her book Toxic Parents, discusses how these children often internalize their parents' erratic behavior as a reflection of their own worth.

If mom or dad is happy with you one minute and furious the next, it’s easy to start believing that you must be the problem. This leads to the development of what psychologists call a “false self,” where the child suppresses their true feelings and desires to meet the emotional needs of their parents.

Dr. John Bowlby’s attachment theory provides further insight into this dynamic. Emotionally immature parents are often inconsistent in their caregiving, which can lead to insecure attachment in their children.

Insecure attachment manifests in various ways, from anxious attachment, where the individual craves but simultaneously fears intimacy, to avoidant attachment, where the individual keeps others at a distance to avoid potential pain. Both styles can wreak havoc on adult relationships, leading to a perpetual cycle of unfulfilled emotional needs.

The Impact on Relationships: Repeating Patterns of Dysfunction

One of the most insidious effects of growing up with emotionally immature parents is how it shapes your adult relationships. Without realizing it, many adult children of these parents end up in relationships that mirror the chaos of their childhood.

Dr. Karyl McBride, an expert in narcissistic parenting, notes that these individuals might be drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable or who exhibit the same unpredictability as their parents. It’s not that they enjoy the drama, but rather, it’s the only form of love they’ve ever known.

In these relationships, adult children of emotionally immature parents often take on the role of caretaker, bending over backward to meet their partner’s needs while neglecting their own.

This dynamic can lead to codependency, where one’s self-worth becomes entirely tied to the approval of the partner. The irony is that, despite their best efforts, these relationships often end in the same way their childhood did—feeling unappreciated, unloved, and emotionally exhausted.

Healing the Wounds: Strategies for Reclaiming Your Life

Healing from a childhood marked by emotional immaturity isn’t easy, but it’s certainly possible.

The first step is to recognize the patterns and understand that they are not your fault. Dr. Brené Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability highlights the importance of self-compassion in this process. She argues that healing begins when you stop blaming yourself for your parents' shortcomings and start seeing your worth independent of their approval.

One effective strategy is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which can help reframe negative thought patterns and break the cycle of self-blame.

CBT teaches you to recognize when you’re falling into old habits—such as people-pleasing or avoiding conflict—and equips you with tools to assert your needs in a healthy way. The goal isn’t to change your parents (good luck with that), but to change how you respond to them and others.

Dr. Gibson also advocates for the concept of “emotional distancing,” where you create mental and emotional space between yourself and your parents' behavior. This doesn’t mean cutting them off (unless necessary), but rather, developing a sense of detachment that allows you to interact with them without being drawn into their emotional chaos. It’s about reclaiming your emotional autonomy and recognizing that their issues don’t have to become yours.

The problem is that this often morphs into estrangement.

Reparenting Yourself: Becoming the Adult You Needed as a Child

Reparenting is a therapeutic concept that involves providing yourself with the emotional care you missed out on as a child.

Dr. Alice Miller, in her seminal work The Drama of the Gifted Child, discusses how reparenting can help you meet the emotional needs that were neglected during your upbringing. This might involve developing a nurturing inner voice that offers support and encouragement, or it could mean setting up a life structure that prioritizes your emotional and physical well-being.

Reparenting also involves embracing the concept of “good enough” parenting, as proposed by Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst.

Winnicott argued that children don’t need perfect parents, just ones who are good enough to provide a stable and loving environment.

As an adult, this means accepting that you don’t have to be perfect—either for yourself or others. Striving for perfection often leads to burnout and dissatisfaction, whereas embracing your imperfections can lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life.

Breaking Free: Redefining Your Identity Beyond Your Past

Ultimately, healing from the wounds inflicted by emotionally immature parents involves redefining your identity beyond your past. It’s about recognizing that your parents’ emotional shortcomings don’t define who you are or what you can become.

Dr. Carol Dweck’s research on the “growth mindset” is particularly relevant here. She posits that folks who believe their abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and learning are more likely to overcome adversity and achieve their goals.

Adopting a growth mindset can be transformative for adult children of emotionally immature parents. It allows you to see your past not as a limitation, but as a starting point for personal growth.

You can’t change where you came from, but you can change where you’re going. This mindset shift can empower you to pursue relationships, careers, and hobbies that truly fulfill you—free from the emotional baggage of your childhood.

Final thoughts

While the journey of healing from emotionally immature parents is undoubtedly challenging, it doesn’t have to be devoid of humor. In fact, humor can be a powerful tool for reframing your experiences and seeing them in a new light.

As Mark Twain famously said, “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” It can help you find perspective, ease the tension in difficult situations, and remind you that, despite it all, you’re capable of joy.

So, the next time your emotionally immature parent says or does something that makes you want to tear your hair out, take a deep breath, set your boundaries, and maybe—just maybe—laugh a little. After all, you’ve made it this far, and that’s something worth celebrating.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.

Forward, S. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Bantam.

Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.

Leary, M. R. (2007). The Curse of the Self: Self-Awareness, Egotism, and the Quality of Human Life. Oxford University Press.

McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.

Miller, A. (1997). The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Basic Books.

Payson, E. (2002). The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. Julian Day Publications.