He Texts in Complete Sentences. I Knew He Was the One. Swipe Right on Syntax: Why Grammar Is the New Foreplay
Friday, May 30, 2025
If you’re an older adult braving the digital dating jungle, there’s one thing that feels more intimate than a candlelit dinner or a spontaneous kiss: a properly punctuated text message.
“He used a semicolon... I nearly climaxed.”
—Anonymous 68-year-old widow, newly on Bumble
In a world of ghosting, lowercase apathy, and single-syllable flirtation (“wyd?”), a sentence with subject-verb agreement hits different.
For older daters—especially those who remember rotary phones and answering machines—the sudden reentry into modern courtship feels like time-traveling into a parallel dimension where courtship is both hyper-efficient and weirdly devoid of charm.
From Mix Tapes to Metadata: A Culture Shock in Courtship
Dating in the 1970s involved a certain poetry—literally.
You’d leave handwritten notes in jacket pockets, share vinyl records with meaningful track 4s, and wait days for a return phone call.
There was eye contact. There were awkward silences. There were rustling paper menus.
Now? You’re expected to craft a compelling digital résumé of your entire essence in 200 characters or less.
Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.
For older daters, Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge don’t just feel alien—they feel like trying to date inside a slot machine.
One widowed grandfather described Hinge as “what would happen if Mad Libs and a vending machine tried to set you up.”
The Rise of the Syntax-Sexy Profile
Among the newly single 55+ crowd, a peculiar meme has quietly taken hold: textual literacy as erotic capital.
Forget abs or artisanal hobbies. The true aphrodisiac? Texts like:
“Hi, Janet. I enjoyed our conversation yesterday. I’d love to hear more about your hiking trips in the Rockies. Are you free for coffee next week?”
He capitalized her name. He referenced the conversation. He used a question mark.
This is what passes for foreplay now. And it’s glorious.
Ghosting? We Called That “Vanishing Without a Word” in Our Day
The digital rituals of romantic evasion are particularly baffling to older adults. In their youth, if someone stopped returning your calls, there was a polite presumption of car trouble or a sudden move to Vermont—not a passive-aggressive disappearing act executed via read receipt.
Now, the same people who once met their spouse at a disco in 1978 are being ghosted by someone named “SunsetDad57,” who claimed to “love slow walks and fast wifi” but hasn’t logged on since Wednesday.
What Makes Older Love Go Viral?
Part of the online fascination with older daters lies in their earnest bewilderment, their dry sense of humor, and their unexpected emotional intelligence.
When boomers date online, they bring both a healthy skepticism of digital theatrics and a surprising willingness to try again—even if the emojis make no sense.
“He sent me an eggplant emoji. I thought he was gardening.”
—Marge, 61, re-entering the scene after a 34-year marriage
A Therapist’s Take
This meme doesn’t just amuse. It taps into a deeper human hunger: to be seen with care and expressed with clarity.
For older adults, online dating isn’t just a tech hurdle—it’s a vulnerable leap into a format that often feels too fast and too shallow for what they’re truly offering: depth, experience, and a sincere desire to connect.
The sentence structure, in this context, becomes a proxy for emotional structure.
It’s not just “he texted in complete sentences”—it’s he showed up with coherence, curiosity, and respect.
And that, in a sea of LOLs and left swipes, is genuinely rare.
Love after 50 is no joke.
And in an age when attention spans are short and grammar is optional, for some, maybe the most subversive thing you can do... is punctuate your feelings.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.