Arbitrary-Versaries and the Death of Date Night: Why Today Is Your 2-Month “First Eye Booger” Anniversary
Thursday May 29. 2025.
Somewhere out there, a couple is toasting over tacos because “Today is the one-year anniversary of the first time we both pretended to enjoy kale.”
Welcome to the era of arbitrary-versaries—the chaotic-good, semi-ironic, deeply sincere relationship meme where couples celebrate weird, off-brand milestones like:
“The day we both cried watching the same TikTok.”
“First shared dental floss.”
“Anniversary of our joint hatred of your mother’s gluten-free stuffing.”
It’s romantic. It’s ridiculous. It’s quietly radical.
Because in a world where everything is content and nothing feels sacred, these micro-milestones are a rebellion against the hyper-scripted, commodified rituals of love.
And, shockingly, they might actually be better for your relationship than the traditional anniversary dinner you booked on OpenTable and silently resented the entire time.
Let’s go deep.
Where Did Arbitrary-Versaries Come From? (And Why Are They Everywhere?)
Credit to polyamory writer Laura Boyle, who described the phenomenon as a way poly couples mark diverse relational moments beyond the normative “We’re official now” timeline.
Then Emma Glassman-Hughes brought it to the masses with her piece in Popsugar, and TikTok sorta did the rest.
Why did it hit so hard?
Because traditional anniversaries feel increasingly… off. They’re a leftover from a time when:
Relationships moved linearly
Roles were binary
And calendar-based commitment marked a life-stage, not a vibe
But for modern couples—neurodiverse, poly-ish, long-distance, mid-divorce, or just too tired—relationships don’t move in straight lines anymore.
They kinda zigzag, glitch, re-buffer, and resume. So we need a different sort of ritual.
What Arbitrary-Versaries Are Actually Doing (Underneath the Humor)
At first glance, it’s just a bit. A meme. A vibe. But if you look closely, arbitrary-versaries are doing some surprisingly serious relational work:
🧠 Creating a Shared Narrative
Psychologist John Gottman found that happy couples share and tell their “relationship story” fondly and frequently. Arbitrary-versaries give you dozens of micro-stories. “Remember when we finally farted in front of each other without shame?” That’s intimacy, baby.
🧘 Reducing Pressure on Big Moments
Traditional anniversaries are loaded: dinner, gifts, expectations, Instagram-worthy perfection. Arbitrary-versaries are gentle and playful. They say: “This silly thing was meaningful, and we noticed.” That’s mindfulness in relationship form.
💡 Celebrating the Unseen
What you choose to celebrate reveals your value system. If you toast the day you agreed to co-parent a houseplant, you’re telling each other: our tiny efforts matter. This is especially powerful in neurodiverse or queer relationships, where nontraditional forms of intimacy are often marginalized.
🧩 Offering Co-Created Meaning
Unlike Valentine's Day (sponsored by Hallmark and Xanax), arbitrary-versaries are bespoke rituals. You name them. You shape them. You decide what counts. That’s co-regulation and co-authorship—two cornerstones of sustainable love.
A Glorious Mess: What I Think This Meme Gets Right (And What It Might Get Wrong)
✔️ What It Gets Right:
It decentralizes performative romance.
No more mandatory candles and jewelry stores with traumatic lighting.It embraces the weird.
Love is weird. It should be celebrated with inside jokes, not just chocolates.It acknowledges relational reality.
Love today is about surviving capitalism, surviving each other’s playlists, and somehow finding shared joy despite the algorithmic onslaught.
❌ What It Might Get Wrong:
Let’s be honest—there’s a risk of meme-ing instead of meaning. If every eye-roll becomes a celebration, you risk diluting the symbolic weight of actual milestones.
Also, arbitrary-versaries can become performative in their own way. If you're posting about every shared kombucha, ask yourself: Are we sharing this to connect—or to curate?
As always: authenticity > optics. Even when what you’re honoring is the first time you pooped while the other person was brushing their teeth.
Therapeutic Interpretation: The Existential Beauty of the Small Stuff
Existential psychologist Irvin Yalom once wrote that love is found not in grand declarations, but in “the rustle of the wind in the trees”—the subtle, the passing, the ordinary.
Arbitrary-versaries are that rustle, made conscious.
They are a postmodern ritual for postmodern love: non-linear, self-aware, and gloriously unsponsored.
They say: “We know this is silly. But we’re still here. And we noticed something worth holding.”
That’s intimacy at its most alive.
Real Arbitrary-Versaries You Should Probably Celebrate
“The day we both chose sleep over sex and high-fived about it.”
“Our first mutual panic attack during family dinner.”
“That one time we folded laundry together and no one cried.”
“Our quarterly ‘Let’s never own a boat’ recommitment ceremony.”
“The first time you told me you liked me more than your dog, even if it wasn’t true.”
Each one is absurd. Each one is sacred.
Final Thought: Love Is Not a Holiday. It’s a Habit of Noticing.
In a world where people treat each other like content and milestones like brands, arbitrary-versaries are both a joke and a medicine.
They’re a reminder that meaning isn’t what the calendar says.
Meaning is what you name, honor, and laugh at together.
So if today is your 3-month “first silent car ride that wasn’t awkward” anniversary—light a candle.
Or don’t. Just point at the moment and say, “Hey, we’re still doing this.”
That’s more romantic than a overpriced prix fixe dinner in February.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
Pew Research Center. (2023). Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S.: Changing Attitudes and Relationship Milestones.https://www.pewresearch.org
Boyle, L. (2024). Beyond Anniversaries: Alternative Rituals in Polyamorous Relationships. Medium.com.
Glassman-Hughes, E. (2025). Why Couples Are Celebrating “Arbitrary-Versaries” Now. Popsugar. https://www.popsugar.com/love/arbitrary-versaries-relationships-49521443